Ok, so after the disaster that was using AIM (the instant messaging system, not the clinic for porn stars) during the season premiere of Project Runway, absent guest star Kelli Martin decided to just e-mail me her thoughts. So, here they are slightly edited for spelling and clarity (my brief, unintrusive comments are italicized):
They all [the contestants, obvi] seem soooo nice! I know that it is the first episode, but I feel like there aren't any "drama queens" (yet), and there seems to be nobody trying to sell a gimmick (yet).
Solely based on personality (or the 5.3 seconds that we see of it), I am drawn to Ari and Malvin [aka Hillbilly James Iha]...they would have most likely been my friends. Johnny cries first, but aside from that, FOR SOME REASON, he seems like a nice dude. Gordana stood in front of me at my Season 5 tryout and bragged the whole time how she was a "shoe in" for Season 5...not my fave. [Inside gossip!]
I would have LOVED the first challenge, although most of the designer's seem to REALLY hold back. Either that or are they really that boring? Is it just me, or did EVERYONE chose basically the same fabric?
I LOOOOVVVED Christopher's lil' mini dress, and the "dirty white" ruffles, made it so much better! If he wouldn't have won this challenge, I probably would have thrown my booze through the tv!
Other honorable mentions were: Carol's dress. It wasn't crazy, but it was interesting. Nicolas had a good thing going (if only I could see it better!); Irina's dress was "pretty"...other than that, nothing stood out for me. It all seemed like a HUGE array of gunmetal and champagne! [Accurate burn...but at least it's better than everyone using tablecloth, right, Season 5?]
Now for the losers: I felt so bad for Ari. Seriously, her dress was funny looking, but AT LEAST she had a good attitude and made something different! (Even if it was REALLY odd.) If she had not cut the pieces into soccer balls, she may have pulled it off! The hood looked really cool! (Just remember Ari, its better to have been auf'd with something that was different, than something boring!)
Sadly, if we are questioning "taste," Qristyl [Quacks!] should have gone. That dress looked like half DOTS reject, half Emmy dress rag, circa '93. [Ouch] I am interested to see what she does next. Maybe she will make me put my foot in my mouth, but, somehow, I doubt it.
Although I showed some previous love for Johnny, WTF?! His dress was HID-E-OUS! The drape was awful, the trim was ridiculous, and the whole thing had no shape! [Harmony, Kelli and I all agreed that this dress was terrible. So, of course it got ranked top-3. Probably because it had the audacity not feature champagne or gunmetal.]
Finally, where are the tattooed mo'fos??! I need to see some spunk!
END KELLI TRANSMISSION
Well, Kelli, your tattoos plus my barbed wire tat and Harmony's dolphin on her ankle give Lifetime, Wow more than enough spunk to carry us through the season.
Thanks so much for your input and for your restraint. If I were you, every sentence would have began with, "When I won the first challenge."
Harmony and I, of course, will work on making this all run smoother for Episode 2.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Project Runway, Episode 1
UGH.
No Kelli!
She didn't show up on the AIM. That's right. AIM.
Now, admittedly, it's AIM. I haven't used Ye Olde AIM since college. I could have been doing something wrong. That is a definite possibility. (Editor's note: Yup.)
But Harmony and I were still AIMing in the same room. So instead of insight, you get, uh, just the regular Lifetime, Wow shtick.
Sorry.
Harmony: Where is Kelli?
Rusty: we are ditched
Harmony: hang on, bald guy on meth
And with that, we are off!
The meth guy's name was Johnny. He loves talking about meth. Other interests: crying about meth.
rusty: "if i didn't overcome the addiction, i'd be dead"
rusty: yes
rusty: that is how those things work
rusty: if i didn't stop eating, i'd be fat
Harmony: Why is he bald with a goatee?
Harmony: That bothers me more then the meth thing
We also have a guy that Harmony referred to as "hillbilly James Iha" and the unfortunately named Qristyl, who doesn't do "plus-sized." She does "plus sexy."
rusty: plus sxy = booty clapping
Harmony: I'm tired of spelling quristiels name so I am going to call her "quacks"
So the challenge is to make a red carpet dress and, to be fair, that's a good challenge. A bit predictable, but lots of room for different visions and something iconic of L.A.
If only there was someone who could give us an idea of what it's like to not only participate in a first challenge, but to win it! Hopefully Althea from Dayton, OH wins this challenge so we can invite her to chat with us about winning during the Season 7 premiere.
Oh yeah. The show is in L.A. now. They mention this. A lot. Did you know the weather is better in California? Also, the Garment District is, like, seven times the size of the shitty New York version.
So we have a red carpet challenge and Johnny freaks out because HE DID DRUGS.
rusty: addiction
rusty: what an asshole
Harmony: God, they probably had to edit out all the times he mentioned how Jesus taught him to put down the crack pipe and pick up a sewing machine
rusty: GO DO SOME BLOW, ASSHOLE
Harmony: Maybe he'll have an epic breakdwn during the runway thing
rusty: what if he fails again?
rusty: then what?
rusty: speaking of failing, AIM, everyone!
Harmony: He'll come in covered in coke like Scarface and hand his model a ripped up sundress he stole from Kohls
Harmony: AIM sucks
So, the dresses were all blah. I would love to paste photos of them, but Lifetime has made this extremely difficult. To their credit, that's because each picture magnifies when you scroll over it. It's some kind of Flash Player trick. Neat.
Let's give this a shot...
Ok. I can do this.
First the losing dress:
I am so, so happy that this dress lost. The designer, Ari, said this dress would be appropriate for the 2080 Video Music Awards as well as the Nobel Prize. My first reaction was, "there's MTV in 2080? Ew." Second reaction: "shut up, Ari."
Last season, Stella lasted longer than Kelli. I do not mean that as a dig at Kelli. It was a disgrace. Stella made for fun tv. She was not a good designer. Not at all. But she was wacky!
Fuck that. Let's cut that wackiness right in the bud and focus on the designs. If designs like that are not punished, the season will suffer.
Speaking of things that hurt the show, the less said about guest judge Lindsay Lohan, the better.
rusty: "lindsay, what do you think"
Harmony: I love how Lindsey needs tov be prompted to talk
rusty: no one has ever said that before
rusty: ever
Harmony: hahaha
Harmony: "Lindsey, do you think? is that a thing you do?"
Harmony: If anyone appreciates being rejected by a savage marketplace, it's Lohan Harmony: *does 37th Herbie movie, dies of Adderal overdose*
So, the winning dress:
This dress is also pretty bad. I mean, it's light years ahead of the disco soccer ball that got eliminated, but this is boring. I would put that on my "worst dressed list" if someone actually wore it.
Sixteen dresses is too many to post here, so just check out the dresses on Lifetime (here's the link again) and wade through the mediocrity.
So, Season 6 premiere: Sort of disappointing, but Lifetime didn't butcher the show or anything, so, hurray! The show's good enough for me to miss a special theater screening of Magnolia next Thursday, so that's something.
No Kelli!
She didn't show up on the AIM. That's right. AIM.
Now, admittedly, it's AIM. I haven't used Ye Olde AIM since college. I could have been doing something wrong. That is a definite possibility. (Editor's note: Yup.)
But Harmony and I were still AIMing in the same room. So instead of insight, you get, uh, just the regular Lifetime, Wow shtick.
Sorry.
Harmony: Where is Kelli?
Rusty: we are ditched
Harmony: hang on, bald guy on meth
And with that, we are off!
The meth guy's name was Johnny. He loves talking about meth. Other interests: crying about meth.
rusty: "if i didn't overcome the addiction, i'd be dead"
rusty: yes
rusty: that is how those things work
rusty: if i didn't stop eating, i'd be fat
Harmony: Why is he bald with a goatee?
Harmony: That bothers me more then the meth thing
We also have a guy that Harmony referred to as "hillbilly James Iha" and the unfortunately named Qristyl, who doesn't do "plus-sized." She does "plus sexy."
rusty: plus sxy = booty clapping
Harmony: I'm tired of spelling quristiels name so I am going to call her "quacks"
So the challenge is to make a red carpet dress and, to be fair, that's a good challenge. A bit predictable, but lots of room for different visions and something iconic of L.A.
If only there was someone who could give us an idea of what it's like to not only participate in a first challenge, but to win it! Hopefully Althea from Dayton, OH wins this challenge so we can invite her to chat with us about winning during the Season 7 premiere.
Oh yeah. The show is in L.A. now. They mention this. A lot. Did you know the weather is better in California? Also, the Garment District is, like, seven times the size of the shitty New York version.
So we have a red carpet challenge and Johnny freaks out because HE DID DRUGS.
rusty: addiction
rusty: what an asshole
Harmony: God, they probably had to edit out all the times he mentioned how Jesus taught him to put down the crack pipe and pick up a sewing machine
rusty: GO DO SOME BLOW, ASSHOLE
Harmony: Maybe he'll have an epic breakdwn during the runway thing
rusty: what if he fails again?
rusty: then what?
rusty: speaking of failing, AIM, everyone!
Harmony: He'll come in covered in coke like Scarface and hand his model a ripped up sundress he stole from Kohls
Harmony: AIM sucks
So, the dresses were all blah. I would love to paste photos of them, but Lifetime has made this extremely difficult. To their credit, that's because each picture magnifies when you scroll over it. It's some kind of Flash Player trick. Neat.
Let's give this a shot...
Ok. I can do this.
First the losing dress:
I am so, so happy that this dress lost. The designer, Ari, said this dress would be appropriate for the 2080 Video Music Awards as well as the Nobel Prize. My first reaction was, "there's MTV in 2080? Ew." Second reaction: "shut up, Ari."
Last season, Stella lasted longer than Kelli. I do not mean that as a dig at Kelli. It was a disgrace. Stella made for fun tv. She was not a good designer. Not at all. But she was wacky!
Fuck that. Let's cut that wackiness right in the bud and focus on the designs. If designs like that are not punished, the season will suffer.
Speaking of things that hurt the show, the less said about guest judge Lindsay Lohan, the better.
rusty: "lindsay, what do you think"
Harmony: I love how Lindsey needs tov be prompted to talk
rusty: no one has ever said that before
rusty: ever
Harmony: hahaha
Harmony: "Lindsey, do you think? is that a thing you do?"
Harmony: If anyone appreciates being rejected by a savage marketplace, it's Lohan Harmony: *does 37th Herbie movie, dies of Adderal overdose*
So, the winning dress:
This dress is also pretty bad. I mean, it's light years ahead of the disco soccer ball that got eliminated, but this is boring. I would put that on my "worst dressed list" if someone actually wore it.
Sixteen dresses is too many to post here, so just check out the dresses on Lifetime (here's the link again) and wade through the mediocrity.
So, Season 6 premiere: Sort of disappointing, but Lifetime didn't butcher the show or anything, so, hurray! The show's good enough for me to miss a special theater screening of Magnolia next Thursday, so that's something.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Hunger Point
So, I will be reviewing this Thursday's Project Runway with help from Terri and a former show contestant. Huzzah! If I had known such a windfall was coming, I would not have bothered firing up MyLifetime over the weekend. Oh well. I watched a film named Hunger Point, which I chose on the criteria that it would be an awesome name for a movie about a killer shark. To my disappointment, it was about anorexia.
Hunger Point centers around the Hunter family, who are as WASPy and dysfunctional as any other TV family but unfortunately far less entertaining. If you've seen a Lifetime movie before, you've already met these folks, but let's break it down anyway. Marsha Hunter is the cruel matriarch of the family, a career-driven former chubster who is obsessed with keeping her daughters skinny at any cost. As any fat person can tell you, there is nobody more cruel to the plus-sized then those who who have left their ranks. She makes fun of the other kids at weight loss camp, slaps her daughter's hands away from pieces of food, and generally vamps about like a mix between Maude Lebowski and Cruella DeVille. I'd say she acted so hard that she ate the scenery, but it is hard to imagine her character eating anything without angrily spitting it into her napkin.
Her daughters are portrayed with equal fervor and equally terrible performances. When we meet Shelly, she is in the throes of an eating disorder. Those familiar with anorexia or bulimia will recognize Shelly as the stereotypical Patient A: a young woman under pressure with an intensely distorted body image and a need for control. Unfortunately for Shelly (and us), the film doesn't give her a character besides A Girl That Has Been Interrupted. Any time that could be spent establishing a character for her is generally spent dwelling on Franny, whose chubby childhood has given her a persecution complex and a bad case of the passive-aggression. All of her interactions with others are as follows:
Franny: Hey Mom, you emotionally crippled me by taking my ice cream away when I was little, you dumb skank.
Marsha: Seriously?
Franny: GOD MOM I WAS JUST KIDDING I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT WHY DO YOU HATE MEEEE *pause for 10 minute monologue about the evils of mocking kids in husky pants*
Franny sucks, but for reasons I cannot begin to fathom, she is the heroine of the film. Why, movie? Couldn't we have focused on the mom, or god forbid, the person with the eating disorder that the movie is supposed to be about? Shit, I would have even accepted the emotionally distant patriarch as a protagonist. At least he wears a cowboy hat sometimes.
Many TV movies about anorexia have the following plotline:
Awesomeness: 1
This movie was as bleak and dull as a trailer park. Actually, trailers in those parks usually have things like pinwheels and windchimes to decorate their yards, so a trailer park would actually be marginally more fun then this film. It would also contain just as much depressing crazy, but the ubiquitous coolers full of Natty Light would help one cope.
Star Power: 7
This is where the film really disappoints you: there are some decent actresses in this piece of shit. Marsha is played by Barbara Hershey, who was nominated for an Oscar in 1997 (for fucks sake). Shelly is Susan May Pratt, who has been in 10 billion TV movies and played second banana in some well-known teeniebopper flicks like 10 Things I Hate About You. But brace yourself- Franny is played by Christina Hendricks, AKA Joan Holloway in Mad Men! It's a bit of fun irony that she went from being an insecure whiny idiot that hates her body in a TV movie to a sympathetic, interesting character that flaunts her curves in Mad Men.
Lifetimeliness: 4
All 4 points are because the film deals with anorexia. Every single female character in this movie is awful, and there is no fun Lifetime-flavored campiness to temper the edge. Jesus, couldn't we at least have had a lesbian social worker or a frank discussion about panty lines to ease the tension?
12. In short, this movie was dull and unrelenting and impossible to properly mock. Every time I try to think about it I just hear Franny's whiny voice buzzing in my ears like a dentist drill. My head hurts. It's not funny. Fuck this movie.
Come back on Friday, when we'll be discussing something much more entertaining with someone much more qualified to discuss it.
Hunger Point centers around the Hunter family, who are as WASPy and dysfunctional as any other TV family but unfortunately far less entertaining. If you've seen a Lifetime movie before, you've already met these folks, but let's break it down anyway. Marsha Hunter is the cruel matriarch of the family, a career-driven former chubster who is obsessed with keeping her daughters skinny at any cost. As any fat person can tell you, there is nobody more cruel to the plus-sized then those who who have left their ranks. She makes fun of the other kids at weight loss camp, slaps her daughter's hands away from pieces of food, and generally vamps about like a mix between Maude Lebowski and Cruella DeVille. I'd say she acted so hard that she ate the scenery, but it is hard to imagine her character eating anything without angrily spitting it into her napkin.
Her daughters are portrayed with equal fervor and equally terrible performances. When we meet Shelly, she is in the throes of an eating disorder. Those familiar with anorexia or bulimia will recognize Shelly as the stereotypical Patient A: a young woman under pressure with an intensely distorted body image and a need for control. Unfortunately for Shelly (and us), the film doesn't give her a character besides A Girl That Has Been Interrupted. Any time that could be spent establishing a character for her is generally spent dwelling on Franny, whose chubby childhood has given her a persecution complex and a bad case of the passive-aggression. All of her interactions with others are as follows:
Franny: Hey Mom, you emotionally crippled me by taking my ice cream away when I was little, you dumb skank.
Marsha: Seriously?
Franny: GOD MOM I WAS JUST KIDDING I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT WHY DO YOU HATE MEEEE *pause for 10 minute monologue about the evils of mocking kids in husky pants*
Franny sucks, but for reasons I cannot begin to fathom, she is the heroine of the film. Why, movie? Couldn't we have focused on the mom, or god forbid, the person with the eating disorder that the movie is supposed to be about? Shit, I would have even accepted the emotionally distant patriarch as a protagonist. At least he wears a cowboy hat sometimes.
Many TV movies about anorexia have the following plotline:
- Special girl lives too-good-to-be-true life. The non-specials are admiring, but suspicious of her constant need to hide things and vomit.
- Special girl is discovered to be anorexic. Blame is ascribed to beauty magazines, inadequate parenting, and whatever else the writers are pissed at this week. We are yet to see a movie that blames anorexia on terrorism, but I am confident someone will have the vision to make this happen eventually.
- Treatment begins. This can range from meeting with a counselor to full-on hospitalization depending on the amount of time left in the film.
- The family deals. The movie gives us an infodump on How To Deal With Eating Disorders, and all of the mothers of teenage daughters watching it have quiet panic attacks.
- Treatment is working. The anorexic girl is suddenly full of life. Sometimes she eats salad.
- BONUS ROUND! If the credits didn't roll after step 5, our anorexic is going to relapse. She will either realize what they are doing wrong and have a tearful confession that leads to further treatment, or die of a heart attack. Either way, a lesson is learned.
Awesomeness: 1
This movie was as bleak and dull as a trailer park. Actually, trailers in those parks usually have things like pinwheels and windchimes to decorate their yards, so a trailer park would actually be marginally more fun then this film. It would also contain just as much depressing crazy, but the ubiquitous coolers full of Natty Light would help one cope.
Star Power: 7
This is where the film really disappoints you: there are some decent actresses in this piece of shit. Marsha is played by Barbara Hershey, who was nominated for an Oscar in 1997 (for fucks sake). Shelly is Susan May Pratt, who has been in 10 billion TV movies and played second banana in some well-known teeniebopper flicks like 10 Things I Hate About You. But brace yourself- Franny is played by Christina Hendricks, AKA Joan Holloway in Mad Men! It's a bit of fun irony that she went from being an insecure whiny idiot that hates her body in a TV movie to a sympathetic, interesting character that flaunts her curves in Mad Men.
Lifetimeliness: 4
All 4 points are because the film deals with anorexia. Every single female character in this movie is awful, and there is no fun Lifetime-flavored campiness to temper the edge. Jesus, couldn't we at least have had a lesbian social worker or a frank discussion about panty lines to ease the tension?
12. In short, this movie was dull and unrelenting and impossible to properly mock. Every time I try to think about it I just hear Franny's whiny voice buzzing in my ears like a dentist drill. My head hurts. It's not funny. Fuck this movie.
Come back on Friday, when we'll be discussing something much more entertaining with someone much more qualified to discuss it.
Lifetime, Wow Welcomes the Input of Project Runway Contestant Kelli Martin
I moved to Columbus a little over a year ago. Which worked out, because the last season of Project Runway had some definite C-Bus roots. Two contestants from that season, Kelli Martin and Terri Stevens, could be seen around town. They were both favorites in the Rusty household and, in my opinion, they both got jobbed.
Season Five came and went and then there was the winter period. The hiatus. I spent that time finding full time employment, playing Rock Band, and buying a coffee table.
But not just any coffee table! A secondhand coffee table. From Kelli. Because of some ridiculous construction north of campus* where she kept shop, her store closed. And in the fire sale, I got myself a table and an in.
(*In Columbus, any detail beyond just "campus" is redundant.)
When Lifetime finally got the rights to Project Runway, I was saddened because Bravo did a pretty good job of it. But I was also ecstatic that I could write about one of my favorite shows. The problem was, well, me. I love the show but I don't know a god damned thing about fashion. Or fabric. Or style. I still wear sweater vests and carpenter jeans for Christ's sake.
So to write about Project Runway, I knew I would need help. So, I thought, maybe Kelli will help me. Couldn't hurt to ask, right?
Well, hurt it did not. Ms. Martin has graciously accepted my invitation to talk about the episodes with me (and Terri [my girlfriend, not the former contestant] and Harmony too). I hope to get more insight on the level of difficulty of the challenges, of the editing tricks the producers are using, and, of course, what a former contestant thinks of the fashion.
So please look for updates here every Friday around noon to see what we think. Worst case scenario, is that this partnership doesn't work out and you get more of my ramblings and some pictures of dresses up on this piece. And is that really so bad?
Season Five came and went and then there was the winter period. The hiatus. I spent that time finding full time employment, playing Rock Band, and buying a coffee table.
But not just any coffee table! A secondhand coffee table. From Kelli. Because of some ridiculous construction north of campus* where she kept shop, her store closed. And in the fire sale, I got myself a table and an in.
(*In Columbus, any detail beyond just "campus" is redundant.)
When Lifetime finally got the rights to Project Runway, I was saddened because Bravo did a pretty good job of it. But I was also ecstatic that I could write about one of my favorite shows. The problem was, well, me. I love the show but I don't know a god damned thing about fashion. Or fabric. Or style. I still wear sweater vests and carpenter jeans for Christ's sake.
So to write about Project Runway, I knew I would need help. So, I thought, maybe Kelli will help me. Couldn't hurt to ask, right?
Well, hurt it did not. Ms. Martin has graciously accepted my invitation to talk about the episodes with me (and Terri [my girlfriend, not the former contestant] and Harmony too). I hope to get more insight on the level of difficulty of the challenges, of the editing tricks the producers are using, and, of course, what a former contestant thinks of the fashion.
So please look for updates here every Friday around noon to see what we think. Worst case scenario, is that this partnership doesn't work out and you get more of my ramblings and some pictures of dresses up on this piece. And is that really so bad?
Friday, August 14, 2009
ANNOUCEMENT
Sorry for not checking in, folks. Rusty is alive and doing well. And he has been doing some behind-the-scenes work on making this blog a little bit better.
As you are probably aware, Project Runway makes its Lifetime debut on Thursday, August 20th. I love Project Runway. And since this site is Lifetime, Wow and not Bravo, Wow, my self-imposed restrictions are met.
But there are thousands of blogs that write Project Runway recaps. And although I am in love with my own writing, that may not be enough for the average Project Runway fan.
So I hope to bring in some help.
More details soon.
As you are probably aware, Project Runway makes its Lifetime debut on Thursday, August 20th. I love Project Runway. And since this site is Lifetime, Wow and not Bravo, Wow, my self-imposed restrictions are met.
But there are thousands of blogs that write Project Runway recaps. And although I am in love with my own writing, that may not be enough for the average Project Runway fan.
So I hope to bring in some help.
More details soon.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Are you ready for AMERICAS PSYCHIC CHALLENGE!?
I feel like this blog doesn't always go a good job of honoring Lifetime's true contribution to the cultural landscape. Lifetime movies are all well and good, but what does the network do the rest of the time? Lifetime-caliber actresses can realistically only do so many terrible TV movies before they OD on painkillers or are lured away by sweet NutriSystem endorsement deals. Even accounting for reruns of The Golden Girls, this can leave gaps of 3 hours or more in Lifetime's daily programming. Luckily, reality shows can fill that gap by being inexpensive and feeding on the average person's shameless love of voyuerism to draw in viewers. Unfortunately for the Lifetime network, most good ideas for reality shows have already been stolen by Big Broadcasting. We can only thank the muses that, in their divine wisdom, smacked Lifetime's programming executives upside the head with a slice of fried gold called America's Psychic Challenge! I watched the pilot episode thanks to MyLifetime, and let me tell you, it is exactly as amazing as it sounds.
Have you ever won a round of "What Number am I Thinking Of?" Are you a real whiz at Go Fish? Have you ever gotten a nosebleed while listening to Don't Fear the Reaper? Then you may be ready to compete with these entry-level witches and warlocks:
Jackie Barret: Oh lordy. Jackie is a psychic spirit and medium who works on America's Most Wanted and is a member of the Voodoo Temple of New Orleans, where she earned the name "White Serpent" by "walking with the dead". I am not exactly sure how walking with the dead works, but I have seen all of the Evil Dead movies, so I guess at some point she had to murder a bunch of coeds in a cabin? Anyway, however one walks with the dead, it seems to involve being a massive bitch to everyone you interact with. This lady is reality TV gold in all of her skin-crawly glory.
Jamie Clark: Jamie is a daytime radio host who also happens to have psychic powers. He shares these powers with the world through empowerment seminars and taking calls from his gullible listeners. How can we not believe in a psychic with such luminous contemporaries as Rush Limbaugh, Joel Osteen, and those guys who rent conference rooms at the Hilton to trick you into selling door-to-door knives? Jamie has this annoying hyper energy usually associated with gym teachers and golden retrievers, and I hate him.
Karyn Reese: Karyn is a former stockbroker who decided she could no longer ignore her psychic abilities and decided to leave the financial world in favor of spoonbending at county fairs (or tarot reading, I forget). Is it a coincidence that she "rediscovered" her abilities about the same time the market bottomed out? Heavens no.
Zenobia Simmons: Besides being named like a Star Trek villain, Miss Zenobia just isn't that interesting. She's a psychic seer that is more bubbly and enthusiastic then a kindergarten spelling bee contestant, and I guess she is a record executive, though I doubt she remained one for every long after people saw her on this show.
So in every show, there are three psychic challenges for the Midnight Society to overcome. The challenges for this show were:
1: Where's Waldo? For the first challenge each psychic was taken to a condemned hospital and asked to locate someone hiding on the second floor. Though every psychic took time to note that someone had been in "intense pain" in the building and spent hours pawing walls and muttering about energy, not a single Merlin among them actually located the hidden dude successfully. Jamie picked the room next to Waldo, which was allowed for partial credit. Zenobia picked wrong and whined about how she hated being in spooky places, which is weird from someone who claims to communicate with the dead, but whatever. Jackie and Karyn, who also failed completely, blamed the ghosts of the dead for hanging around and crowding the live dude's aura. It takes some real balls to pin your failures on a dead guy, but the psychics rose to the challenge!
2: Guess Who: Celebrity Edition Each psychic was put in a room with a celebrity behind a screen. The psychics then stood in front of the screen and tossed out vague things that could be related to that person, such as "likes music" or "writing a book" or "has eyes". You know, very specific details like that. Then the celebrity came out and did a series of verbal backflips to justify the things the psychics said about them. Is it surprising that the celebrity was Lisa Williams, start of her own equally-stupid Lifetime show? Much like the last challenge, the psychics acted like complete fucking babies when they screwed up. Karyn complained that she was "underscored" and that Lisa was not trying hard enough to connect the vague string of factoids to her life. Jackie hated the challenge, and got pissed when the host called her out on her whining. She retaliated by doing a psychic reading for the host instead, where she claimed that the spirits told her to tell him that he is a depressed failure and that he needed to watch his cholesterol. I kind of loved Jackie at that moment.
3: Clue This was pretty much the most tasteless thing I have ever seen in my life, and that's counting that Natalee Holloway movie. In this challenge, the psychics were taken to the scene of an unsolved murder. It was the home of a family who had lost a son to a drive-by shooting in the front yard a couple of years back. The family sat inside of the house and listened to the psychics wander around and make vague guesses as to how the tragic death had taken place. This was really uncomfortable because the family was clearly still in mourning, the mother choking up and even weeping a few times as the jackasses stumbled around in their front yard and said things like "Uh, maybe someone got shot?" and "My psychic powers tell me that they must really miss their brutally murdered family member." Everyone failed pretty hard except Zenobia, who made enough lucky guesses that the family invited her in for a private reading. Miss Z. held the mother's hand and reassured her that her son missed her and there would be a break in the case "very soon". It is difficult to offend me, as you can tell if you have read anything I have ever written, but this segment actually angered me. It was so exploitative and nasty to watch that family cry. Fuck you, Lifetime, for tricking these poor hurt people into believing this mentalist bullshit instead of dealing with their grief in a healthy way.
The one super-great thing in the show was that ever commercial break, they had a mini-challenge for the audience to flex their psychic muscles with. If you make it past the daunting "which telephone will ring" challenge, you can take on the "which state is this person from" challenge. If you get the "guess which card is the Jack of Hearts" challenge on top of that, you'd better call the Pentagon right away so we can start using your mindblowing abilities to thwart terrorist plots and secure global freedom! Imagine how shocked detained terrorist suspects will be when you guess that they "enjoy eating" and "sleep sometimes"! Those launch codes will be ours in no time!
Who won? Who lost? Who gives a shit, this is all garbage and you know it. If you're deeply invested, or you watch to get some laughs at a bunch of grown-ass adults playing a very spooky game of pretend, I suggest you watch it on MyLifetime.com. Just leave me out of it.
Have you ever won a round of "What Number am I Thinking Of?" Are you a real whiz at Go Fish? Have you ever gotten a nosebleed while listening to Don't Fear the Reaper? Then you may be ready to compete with these entry-level witches and warlocks:
Jackie Barret: Oh lordy. Jackie is a psychic spirit and medium who works on America's Most Wanted and is a member of the Voodoo Temple of New Orleans, where she earned the name "White Serpent" by "walking with the dead". I am not exactly sure how walking with the dead works, but I have seen all of the Evil Dead movies, so I guess at some point she had to murder a bunch of coeds in a cabin? Anyway, however one walks with the dead, it seems to involve being a massive bitch to everyone you interact with. This lady is reality TV gold in all of her skin-crawly glory.
Jamie Clark: Jamie is a daytime radio host who also happens to have psychic powers. He shares these powers with the world through empowerment seminars and taking calls from his gullible listeners. How can we not believe in a psychic with such luminous contemporaries as Rush Limbaugh, Joel Osteen, and those guys who rent conference rooms at the Hilton to trick you into selling door-to-door knives? Jamie has this annoying hyper energy usually associated with gym teachers and golden retrievers, and I hate him.
Karyn Reese: Karyn is a former stockbroker who decided she could no longer ignore her psychic abilities and decided to leave the financial world in favor of spoonbending at county fairs (or tarot reading, I forget). Is it a coincidence that she "rediscovered" her abilities about the same time the market bottomed out? Heavens no.
Zenobia Simmons: Besides being named like a Star Trek villain, Miss Zenobia just isn't that interesting. She's a psychic seer that is more bubbly and enthusiastic then a kindergarten spelling bee contestant, and I guess she is a record executive, though I doubt she remained one for every long after people saw her on this show.
So in every show, there are three psychic challenges for the Midnight Society to overcome. The challenges for this show were:
1: Where's Waldo? For the first challenge each psychic was taken to a condemned hospital and asked to locate someone hiding on the second floor. Though every psychic took time to note that someone had been in "intense pain" in the building and spent hours pawing walls and muttering about energy, not a single Merlin among them actually located the hidden dude successfully. Jamie picked the room next to Waldo, which was allowed for partial credit. Zenobia picked wrong and whined about how she hated being in spooky places, which is weird from someone who claims to communicate with the dead, but whatever. Jackie and Karyn, who also failed completely, blamed the ghosts of the dead for hanging around and crowding the live dude's aura. It takes some real balls to pin your failures on a dead guy, but the psychics rose to the challenge!
2: Guess Who: Celebrity Edition Each psychic was put in a room with a celebrity behind a screen. The psychics then stood in front of the screen and tossed out vague things that could be related to that person, such as "likes music" or "writing a book" or "has eyes". You know, very specific details like that. Then the celebrity came out and did a series of verbal backflips to justify the things the psychics said about them. Is it surprising that the celebrity was Lisa Williams, start of her own equally-stupid Lifetime show? Much like the last challenge, the psychics acted like complete fucking babies when they screwed up. Karyn complained that she was "underscored" and that Lisa was not trying hard enough to connect the vague string of factoids to her life. Jackie hated the challenge, and got pissed when the host called her out on her whining. She retaliated by doing a psychic reading for the host instead, where she claimed that the spirits told her to tell him that he is a depressed failure and that he needed to watch his cholesterol. I kind of loved Jackie at that moment.
3: Clue This was pretty much the most tasteless thing I have ever seen in my life, and that's counting that Natalee Holloway movie. In this challenge, the psychics were taken to the scene of an unsolved murder. It was the home of a family who had lost a son to a drive-by shooting in the front yard a couple of years back. The family sat inside of the house and listened to the psychics wander around and make vague guesses as to how the tragic death had taken place. This was really uncomfortable because the family was clearly still in mourning, the mother choking up and even weeping a few times as the jackasses stumbled around in their front yard and said things like "Uh, maybe someone got shot?" and "My psychic powers tell me that they must really miss their brutally murdered family member." Everyone failed pretty hard except Zenobia, who made enough lucky guesses that the family invited her in for a private reading. Miss Z. held the mother's hand and reassured her that her son missed her and there would be a break in the case "very soon". It is difficult to offend me, as you can tell if you have read anything I have ever written, but this segment actually angered me. It was so exploitative and nasty to watch that family cry. Fuck you, Lifetime, for tricking these poor hurt people into believing this mentalist bullshit instead of dealing with their grief in a healthy way.
The one super-great thing in the show was that ever commercial break, they had a mini-challenge for the audience to flex their psychic muscles with. If you make it past the daunting "which telephone will ring" challenge, you can take on the "which state is this person from" challenge. If you get the "guess which card is the Jack of Hearts" challenge on top of that, you'd better call the Pentagon right away so we can start using your mindblowing abilities to thwart terrorist plots and secure global freedom! Imagine how shocked detained terrorist suspects will be when you guess that they "enjoy eating" and "sleep sometimes"! Those launch codes will be ours in no time!
Who won? Who lost? Who gives a shit, this is all garbage and you know it. If you're deeply invested, or you watch to get some laughs at a bunch of grown-ass adults playing a very spooky game of pretend, I suggest you watch it on MyLifetime.com. Just leave me out of it.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Co-Ed Call Girl
I think it's rather impressive that I've seen dozens of Lifetime movies but the only exposure I've ever had to Tori Spelling was her cameo in Scream 2. I need more Tori Spelling in my life. Or so I thought. Because it turns out Tori Spelling... she isn't a good actress.
Co-Ed Call Girl stars Tori Spelling as Joanna, a mousy pre-med student too caught up in her studies to have time for boys or fun. When she isn't at the library, she's at her mom's bakery helping the family make ends meet.
One night in the dorms, Joanna's roommate's friends have a goof and leave a message on an escort service's answering machine. Some escort lady calls Joanna back and invites her out to the escort agency's beach house. Because this movie is silly and makes no sense, Joanna accepts.
The beach house is totally kicking. Like, remember when MTV moved out of Times Square every summer to a beach house to play buzz clips from The Cranberries and that cad Carson Daly kept painting his nails black? That is how slammin' this beach house is.
So Joanna likes the night life and agrees to go out on a date with some big shot hanging around the house. After the date (dancing, dinner, no sex), the beach house owner gives Joanna four hundred bucks. Surprise! Joanna is an escort now!
Joanna loves feeling fancy and takes the gig under the understanding that there would be no expectation of sex.
Which is why Joanna's johns don't know how lucky they are when Joanna sleeps with them in hot tubs.
I really hate Joanna. Not just because she somehow tricked herself into becoming a prostitute. I hate her because she wears a ton of lip liner when she's whoring. And I hate Tori Spelling for making a horrible exhaling sound every other sentence. I can honestly say this is the worst acting I have ever seen. And I own Troll 2.
Finally some creepy dude wants to bone Joanna while she's dressed like Marilyn Monroe with a bad boob job. Joanna says no and her boss/pimp tells Joanna that there is a new way. Now she has to have sex with everyone. Including some less than savory dudes in wife beaters.
Joanna tries to quit the business so her pimp starts bothering her at her mom's bakery and at school. Then he tries to rape her so she shoots him in the brains.
She's as bad a shot as she is an escort. The pimp lives and instead of going for vigilante justice (he is a pimp after all), he decides to go through the courts. Because that makes sense.
Joanna is charged with all sorts of bad stuff and she has to come forward to her friends and family. Her mom gives her the standard boilerplate "You're lucky your dad is dead so he doesn't have to see this!"
Joanna lies for a while and claims she didn't shoot the pimp. Then that doesn't work so her lawyer aggressively attacks the pimp on the witness stand and Joanna gets acquitted.
Awesomely, Joanna's pimp smiles at her while she's leaving the court house. Probably because after the end credits he's going to hire some goons to murder Joanna and her mom. That's my happy ending.
AWESOMENESS: 6
All the awesomeness comes from the great mid-90s "high fashion." Everything else is bad. And I kind of want to kill Tori Spelling.
HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 3
Tori Spelling. Eh. Some points for a very, very young Jeri Ryan as the escort agency's number one prostitute-slash-recruiter.
LIFETIMENESS: 8
A little girl lost who can only be saved her mom. Also, she shoots a would-be rapist.
GRAND TOTAL: 17
A short review for a forgettable movie. Tori Spelling is the worst.
Co-Ed Call Girl stars Tori Spelling as Joanna, a mousy pre-med student too caught up in her studies to have time for boys or fun. When she isn't at the library, she's at her mom's bakery helping the family make ends meet.
One night in the dorms, Joanna's roommate's friends have a goof and leave a message on an escort service's answering machine. Some escort lady calls Joanna back and invites her out to the escort agency's beach house. Because this movie is silly and makes no sense, Joanna accepts.
The beach house is totally kicking. Like, remember when MTV moved out of Times Square every summer to a beach house to play buzz clips from The Cranberries and that cad Carson Daly kept painting his nails black? That is how slammin' this beach house is.
So Joanna likes the night life and agrees to go out on a date with some big shot hanging around the house. After the date (dancing, dinner, no sex), the beach house owner gives Joanna four hundred bucks. Surprise! Joanna is an escort now!
Joanna loves feeling fancy and takes the gig under the understanding that there would be no expectation of sex.
Which is why Joanna's johns don't know how lucky they are when Joanna sleeps with them in hot tubs.
I really hate Joanna. Not just because she somehow tricked herself into becoming a prostitute. I hate her because she wears a ton of lip liner when she's whoring. And I hate Tori Spelling for making a horrible exhaling sound every other sentence. I can honestly say this is the worst acting I have ever seen. And I own Troll 2.
Finally some creepy dude wants to bone Joanna while she's dressed like Marilyn Monroe with a bad boob job. Joanna says no and her boss/pimp tells Joanna that there is a new way. Now she has to have sex with everyone. Including some less than savory dudes in wife beaters.
Joanna tries to quit the business so her pimp starts bothering her at her mom's bakery and at school. Then he tries to rape her so she shoots him in the brains.
She's as bad a shot as she is an escort. The pimp lives and instead of going for vigilante justice (he is a pimp after all), he decides to go through the courts. Because that makes sense.
Joanna is charged with all sorts of bad stuff and she has to come forward to her friends and family. Her mom gives her the standard boilerplate "You're lucky your dad is dead so he doesn't have to see this!"
Joanna lies for a while and claims she didn't shoot the pimp. Then that doesn't work so her lawyer aggressively attacks the pimp on the witness stand and Joanna gets acquitted.
Awesomely, Joanna's pimp smiles at her while she's leaving the court house. Probably because after the end credits he's going to hire some goons to murder Joanna and her mom. That's my happy ending.
AWESOMENESS: 6
All the awesomeness comes from the great mid-90s "high fashion." Everything else is bad. And I kind of want to kill Tori Spelling.
HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 3
Tori Spelling. Eh. Some points for a very, very young Jeri Ryan as the escort agency's number one prostitute-slash-recruiter.
LIFETIMENESS: 8
A little girl lost who can only be saved her mom. Also, she shoots a would-be rapist.
GRAND TOTAL: 17
A short review for a forgettable movie. Tori Spelling is the worst.
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