BONUS OFFICE REVIEW

Harmony and I give up on Project Runway. Seriously. We are done. I think Amelie Gillette perfectly sums up what's wrong with the show here. Any show that allows Logan's haunted crotch pants to survive another day is not a show I am interested in.

So, instead of dealing with writing a review, I'd instead like to talk about last night's wedding episode of The Office. Basically, it was terrible. And writing contrarian reviews of beloved things is a hobby -no, a passion - of mine. And I want to get this on the record.

The episode begins with the entire office vomiting all over the place in a nice Lard-Ass moment. I thought it was the perfect beginning to an episode advertised as a straight romance. Of course, the writers were just prepping us for an episode that throws reality into the wind. Mass vomitings don't occur in the office and a lot of the things happening at the wedding don't happen in real weddings.

To be fair, the first 15 minutes were fairly solid. I loved Jim blurting out that Pam was pregnant as he slowly morphs into Michael-lite. But one thing at the rehearsal dinner really stuck in my craw. When Pam's sisters mistakes Kevin for Oscar's boyfriend, Oscar's livid response wasn't just inappropriate, it was shockingly out of character. One can be repulsed at the thought of dating someone and still maintain social graces. Especially when the show has worked so hard to make Oscar the most competent and friendliest employee. Terrible stuff.

From there, the show deteriorated into cartoonish. Andy tore his scrotum! Yuck, yuck, yuck. Kevin's feet smelled so bad they had to destroy his shoes and he walks around in tissue boxes! Har! Dwight bones Pam's bridesmaid and coldly blows her off because sleeping with people and ignoring them two hours later is something to be laughed at! Haha! Sucks to be you, pretty lady who slept with Dwight!

Pam starts freaking out before the wedding and loses it when she snags her veil on a nail. Oh no! Such drama! How can she get married with a slightly torn veil!? This is what screenwriters and other people in the know like to call "conflict."

Jim cuts his tie in half in solidarity and they decide to run off to get married in private. Two problems here:

1. If I drive five hours for a friend's wedding, I expect two things. Open bar and punctuality. If my friends make me wait in a church for two hours, they are bad friends and selfish people who deserve to get divorced.

2. They basically stole this entire plot from How I Met Your Mother (reruns on Lifetime!). Marshall gets a bad haircut and freaks out trying to shave it off. Lily still loves him and they are sick of the pressures of a big wedding so they sneak off and get married in private. I can't expect the writers of the Office to remember every plot point from every sitcom, but just know that this has been done and it was done better and it was done years ago.

Jim and Pam return from their secret wedding to get church married. Before anyone can walk down the aisle, the office workers play some music from a convicted domestic batterer and a bunch of people that were in no way in the wedding party (namely, the entire office) dances down the aisle.

Apparently, this is a recreation of a Youtube video I have never seen or heard of. You know how Michael is lame for discovering Youtube memes a few years too late and living out the fad? That is what the entire show has done and people are supposed to find it cute or endearing? No. And why would that bridesmaid be so happy to dance down the aisle with Dwight? And why is it funny that she got kicked in the face? And I know it's The Office and not The Realistic Wedding Simulator, but a bunch of people just imposed themselves on this wedding? That's not cool. That's just more horrible, selfish behavior.

Since the episode, I watched the Youtube video in question and it looks pretty sweet and nice and fun and the only thing that sucks about it is that Chris Brown beat the shit out of his girlfriend. Romance fail. Still very nice though. It just didn't work on The Office. Not even a little bit.

To be fair, I laughed a few times. I loved Jim's "Let's talk on the phone for a very long time." I loved Dwight's wedding gift complete with live turtle. Niagara Falls looks very pretty. But the tone, the meanness, the jokes that were so broad that Adam Sandler would be embarrassed (A torn nutsack? Really?)...it didn't work. Not only did it not work, it made me aggressively hate the presence of most of the cast. Well played, Office writers!

So, thank you for letting me vent about a show that isn't even remotely affiliated with Lifetime. Project Runway coverage is done, forever. And Harmony will be posting a movie review shortly. It's a doozy.

Kelli's Last Stand

So Kelli's commentary was conspicuously absent from the last two Lifetime reviews. Kelli actually did respond to episode six...just after episode seven had already aired. So, I skipped it to avoid confusion.

As for episode seven criticism, we have it in spades.

Now, remember, last Thursday's episode was truly the worst episode ever. I was filled with as much righteous anger as anyone else. Anyone else besides Kelli, who was pissed.

I am flipping out about this past week's episode! Yes, Louises' dresses were ugly, but most of them were! I could design an INC look with my eyes closed! I actually realized that I had turned into an old woman when I migrated from the junior's section of Macy's towards the INC section! (While COMPLETELY skipping over the Michael Kors rags too!)

The shows formula is sooooo, incredibly obvious to me now! This episode was so much like my kick off episode (the same time too!), and it played out in the same manner! I am soooo over this crap, I could DIE! I would rather watch reruns of Facts of Life than this shit! AGAIN, it isn't the designers....I actually feel like they are nice people, and talented....it is the show! It is too much like other reality shows, when it used to pride itself in true talent and entertainment.

Also, I would like to vote this season as the WORST dressed season for Heidi. Season 5, I almost broke my neck to see the next outfit....now I cringe!

It also sucks that these auf'd contestants get this speech about how much they suck, when Heidi is just repeating what is said in her ear piece, line for line! And slllooowllly at that! Don't you have a brain to remember a sentence or two? Better yet, don't you have your OWN opinion??? I HATE tv. I HATE the fashion industry. I hate reality show...the line between talented people and Rock of Love contestants is becoming too blurred. I got a chewed gum portrait of me done by some idiot who was trying to show that reality stars last as long as a piece of gum! Great. [Ed note: I would like to see this.] Couldn't you have chosen Heather from Rock of Ass, or something?? She will probably die of STDs soon, but I have a feeling I will be designing regardless. Yuck. Puke. BLAHHHHH!

It's hard to disagree with any of this. My biggest point of contention would be that Heidi's canned lines right before elimination were always a problem, not something that just started happening on Lifetime.

A big moment for me happened last night when I realized I was enjoying Top Chef more than Project Runway. I used to hate Top Chef. It valued personalities more than the food. Iron Chef America spends more time on better recipes and on how to make a flavor profile. Top Chef just has a bunch of personalities say they're going to make something and then it shows up on the plate. Boring.

But, after seeing this season of Project Runway, I trust Top Chef. There is a clear hierarchy of talent. The challenges are usually interesting. And, yeah, the contestants are memorable. That's all I need. And I'm not getting it from Project Runway anymore.

Episode 7: Worst Episode Ever

By the way, I super promise that Harmony and I are going to start watching some proper Lifetime movies. We saw one together, but it needs a sober rewatch. That's happening tonight.

And Kelli's absence last week: I don't know what to tell ya. She mentioned being much busier in the past few weeks and if I had to choose something to slip through the cracks, helping some people I've never met complain about a reality show would be first on the list. Hell, this is my site and I go weeks without posting all the time.

As for Project Runway, ugh. So terrible. Design two blue dresses for Macy's? Really? That's it?

This is the worst challenge on a season filled with terrible challenges. There are no limitations other than that the color blue should be involved. And the best part about these blue dresses? They're only available at Macy's! That makes no sense. Why is that the best part? The best part of Sam's Club seltzer water is that it's only available at Sam's Club? Wait, what?

So we're doing teams because two dresses in one day is difficult. Epperson wins the awesome award for being thankful that he's with a designer he actually respects in Christopher. Haha, fuck you, Qwacks!

(Oh please God let Epperson make it to the challenge where they bring back all of the eliminated contestants and set him up with Qwacks again. It would actually be - gasp! - dramatic.)

So two blue dresses and that's it. And all of the teams get along, so that's pretty boring too. The only extra "drama" is a lot of big talk from Heidi Klum that they might eliminate TWO contestants!

Spoiler alert: They only eliminate one.

So, take all of these factors and what do you get? The worst episode in series history. It was putrid. Unacceptable.

But on to the dresses!

This is Irina's winning dress:


I hate it. Boring and only the flattest of the flat chested could pull it off. I thought Heidi only liked titty dresses.

I much preferred the team of Carol Hannah and Shirin. Those two elf-women provided two striking dresses that were worthy of a win.


To be fair, this photograph makes the dress look like nothing special and, obviously, I don't know what I'm talking about. But I found this to be prettier and more marketable. Team Leader Carol Hannah was robbed.

Epperson, despite being partnered with a designer he respected, still found a way to be on the bottom.


The judges savaged this. Michael Kors said the model looked like a circa 1979 librarian. This is why it's good to have Michael Kors back, even if his taste is questionable.

I...I kind of like this. Maybe it's because my girlfriend bought a very similar piece of clothing a week ago and I don't want to make her feel bad...but I really like this. It's flirty!

Epperson's teammate (and team leader) made something much worse:


Ahhh! The goggles! They do nothing!

This fashion sin was exacerbated by Christopher's crying jag on the runway. I am sorry for the casual sexism here, but man up. You made a shitty dress and you deserve the ridicule. Frankly, that dress was the worst of the bunch and you should be going home.

But I'm certainly not worried that the judges decided to send Louise home instead. Louise sucks. And her designs were atrocious.


The second, more disastrous number, was actually attributed to teammate Nicholas. But Nicholas had immunity. And it was Louise's design. And why the Hell would you ever choose to work with someone who has immunity?

It was a perfect storm against poor Louise. And a reminder that eliminating Ra'mon last week was a tragedy and a waste of a superior talent.

Kelli Martin's Thoughts on the Paper Challenge

So, at the very least, we don't have contestants designing based on amateur photography of the skyline. That's worth something, right?

FINALLY! A challenge the showcases creativity and is actually entertaining! This is a REAL challenge! Fashion is about innovation and we finally see some talent!

Tim Gunn really tore someone apart tonight. One thing I miss about Project Runway on Bravo was that Tim Gunn's Bravo.com blog showed real dissent. Last year, Columbus's own Terri got a top-3 spot in the drag queen challenge and Gunn spent two paragraphs bashing the outfit.

I REALLY wish that I had been on for that challenge! Tim Gunn is there as an adviser, he isn't always right, but he has always seemed to be the most genuine person on this show. (That, or he's deserves an Oscar for his performance)

So, any personal examples of Tim being totally wrong about something?

Uhhhh, yeah. My "Slutty, slutty, slutty" outfit had the potential of being really stunning. Sexy suit transitioning from day to night. YEEAAAAH, right! I was bashed for it! He even saw it near the end of its completion! However, I do trust his opinion. I only wish he could be slightly more objective when it comes to street style/subculture inspired fashion. I just don't think he gets it.

2b. Did Gunn ever get that "incredulous" during your time on the show. That last scene was ice cold.

That last scene made me double take. Something else must have happened. I have NEVER seen Tim Gunn be that cold! Even when Kenley yelled at him he kept his cool. Yeah, Johnny was an annoying ass that lasted too long, but JESUS CHRIST! Was talking about the kicked off boy necessary?! Looks like someone is letting fame go to his head!

3. The Missus over at HQ wants to know how much work the networks put into how the designers looks? Did Bravo choose your wardrobe and do your makeup? After six seasons, I kind of expected more slobs. Everyone looks well put together.

I am still under contract, but lets just say I wasn't able to sew in my normal get up (band T's and jeans) because of "copyrights", even electrical tape cover up wasn't allowed. That resulted in me mashing together random pieces to form a comfortable outfit, mostly consisting of dresses and other CRAP! Not to mention, there was NOOOO A/C and it was the dead of summer in NY! I WAS SWEATING BULLETS! SERIOUSLY! Fuck the competition it is 1765325 degrees in here and I have to wear a sweater b/c I have no T's to wear!

The WORST part was "continuity" requiring me to remain a blonde throughout the tryout process, which led to fried hair and extensions. (although they did NOT make me get extensions OR dye my hair, I kind of had no choice.)

Sorry, but that was seriously the WORST PART of the show.....they obviously have characters to fill. I even read a blog about a "blonde" conspiracy theory on PR! Apparently, the lightest "blonde" is always kicked off 1/3 of the way through the season (5th-7th episode)! I thought it was crazy, but some of their points were valid! I think it is ALL loosely pre-determined.

4. I know you don't like her, but how does Gordana (too lazy to check spelling) end up in the bottom 3? That is crazy. Crazy!

I don't necessarily hate her. I was just as confused as you! SOOOOO, it was wearable art. Isn't that the point??! It was made perfectly! AND FIT! I did like Althea's dress, although I wish the waist fit better. The winner? I am glad she won, I guess....She, at least, acted humble.

5. We can agree that this episode was a strong step in the right direction, right?

MUCH, MUCH better. Hopefully they continue! This could be a crap shoot!


Random thoughts....

-Christopher's outfit was hideous! Talk about a prom dress! Yeah, so the bodice fit decently....BIG DEAL! The bottom was awful!
-Did I not tell you about Shirin??!! She IS a talented (nicer) Kenley! Hopefully the "talented" part will continue to please at the VERY least.
- I HAAATE the ways Nicholas talks! He is sooo annoying!
-What is up with all of the "immunity" challenges?? You were lucky if 2 of the prizes for the challenge was immunity!
-Next week a one day challenge! We will really see if they can get their shit together and show us fashion!
-Finally, THANK YOU lifetime for keeping Nina and Michael off of my television for another week!

Project Runway Episode 5: Paper!

I feel better. This was a good episode. Very little to complain about.

And the reason for that, of course, was the challenge: Make a dress out of newspaper.

(Side note: I really hope the Los Angeles Times didn't pay sponsorship money to be the newspaper that made the clothes. Because that would be a colossal waste of resources for a company in a dying industry. Who would watch Project Runway and think to themselves, "Hmmm, I'll but the LA Times today. Never mind that I live in Columbus, or Wichita, or Boise, or wherever I'm hypothetically from.)

When I saw that the contestants had to make a dress out of paper, I figured it would be impossible. But everyone did a pretty great job. So, that was nice.

Of course, the thing that made this episode was that Tim Gunn got really mad. Or, in his words, incredulous!

So we have a paper clothing challenge and everything is going great. Except for Meth Johnny's work. It looks terrible. Tim Gunn, correctly, calls the dress horrible, So Johnny crumples up the dress and decides to start over with only five hours left to come up with something decent. And he fails.

So what does Johnny do? Well, you can take the drugs out of the addict, but you can't take the lies. Despite a dozen eyewitnesses and a bunch of friggin' television cameras, Johnny tells everyone that a steamer malfunction ruined his dress. Johnny even goes far enough to make this audacious claim on the runway after he makes the bottom three.

Spoiler alert: Johnny gets called out on the runway, gets eliminated, and then Tim Gunn refuses to shake his hand. Gunn even calls him out behind his back. Johnny then goes way too far and claims that dealing with addiction was in many ways easier than competing on Project Runway. Super offensive if you have any experience with addiction! Also, Johnny says that he wanted to make it to Bryant Park, but his failure just means something better is in store. Actually, Johnny, it means the opposite!

To the dresses!

Once again this week, no Nina, no Michael. Do not pass go, do not get two hundred dollars. Instead we get Tommy Hilfiger (fine), some lady from Marie Claire (fine), and Eva Longoria Parker (NOT OK!). I hate these guest judges. Especially "celebrity" judges who, let's be honest here, aren't that famous. Eva Longoria Parker's claim to fame is that she's in a Heineken Light commercial (the worst beer I've ever quaffed) and her name kind of sounds like a famous baseball player. Other than that, she is insignificant and I will not be telling you any of her opinions. They don't matter.

I will tell you that other than figuring out who the bottom two were, the judges did a terrible job. Tim Gunn fell over himself complimenting Gordana's dress. It was really pretty! Bottom three. Why? Too boring.


Remember, this is made out of newspaper. That belongs nowhere near the bottom three.

Especially when this qualifies as safe:


Woof. And I was so happy with Epperson last week.

And let's not forget this disaster from Irina:


Uh-oh. Hold on to your O Henries, because this was the winning dress. No, you're not colorblind. This looks like someone turned a color-by-numbers into a kind of ugly coat with scotch tape holding up the back. Ick.

To be fair, this probably wasn't a bottom three dress. But top three? The winning dress? No. No way, Jose.

So, the judges are doing a terrible job, but I finally enjoyed an episode. I'll take what I can get!

More Kelli? More Kelli.

Kelli Martin's thoughts on Episode 4 of Project Runway:

Q: When there's a new show you're interested in, how many episodes do you usually give it before you give up entirely. Like, there was a History Channel Show called Jurassic Fight Club that showed simulations of dinosaur fights. I gave that 8 weeks. I only give most sitcoms or dramas 3 or 4 weeks to wow me. How many are we giving Project Runway? Because this sucks.

If I hadn't promised to blog, I would have giving up after week two! MAAAYYYBE, week 3! The designers are all likable, but I see nothing spectacular about any of them. I would much rather see a show about designer's who make more avant garde pieces. This is like watching the Home Shopping Network! I can barely stay awake!

2. I ask this not to be snarky, but because I have no idea. Why did Althea's dress win? All 4 of us at our HQ hated it. What did we miss?

Ok, so that's what I thought. I did like the concept, and I get that it would be different, sophisticated, and sexy.....but it looked like a blob! The skirt was not only up to her neck, it was all poofy and puffy! And if Heidi wants to comment on boobs! Those things were flippin' and floppin' all over the place! Not to mention WE COULDN'T SEE THE CONSTRUCTION! From experience, if they barely show the garment, it is pinned together and royally fucked up.

3. Heidi's leopard print top. No question, just ew.

Love the print, hate the gypsy cut. WHAT ABOUT THE GRAY SWEATER??!!! With thigh high boots?! I am all about the boots, but she looked like ACTUAL shit. And she has someone dressing her! (we called her "Messy Johnson", because she looked crazy like Betsey Johnson, but was a total mess!)

4. Do models and designers really get along as well as half of the contestants claim? These people are blowing smoke up our asses, right?

Most of the designer's are total kiss-asses anyway, but the models were nicer than I had expected (at least for my season). I couldn't part with my model because she was sooo nice, got my stupid sense of humor, and "played the game." She wasn't ideal for me, which could have been a problem, but I tend to be drawn to more down to Earth people, and she was one of them. (Then Kenley got a hold of her and made her cry! Said her garment didn't fit because Germaine's body was asymmetrical! Nice try, BIIIIATCH!)

That's all!

Not much to say because it is so f'in dull, but I would have chosen Epperson to win (I liked the idea, but it was slightly trashy '94), or Carol Hannah. I have a feeling Carol Hannah will show us some decent shit. Louise's dress was cute, but HOW MANY TIMES are we going to see that collar??!! I have sen it on like 5 past episodes!!!!!!!!!! ANNNND, I fucking HATE [guest judge] Jennifer Rode! She was a bitch on "How Do I Look?", and obviously still is! She even resembles Nina! It is nicer without Nina or Michael there... the judges seem to actually view it as consumers, not as rich, snobby, son of a bitch, bastards!

Project Runway Episode 4: Still Boring!

I don't know what to say. This isn't working. It looks like Michael Kors has jumped ship. And today we were without the venerable Nina Garcia. The challenges are boring. One contestant had the audacity to hope for a challenge that will let them show who they are as a designer. Fuck the heck is he talking about? We've had a challenge where you can design any red carpet dress you want. A challenge where you can design any maternity dress you want. And finally a challenge where you can design any surf look you want. God damn it, make something out of car parts already.

But no. Instead we have designers making clothes for their models. Just this time, the models get to choose what they want. I'm sure the models are lovely people (even the one who left the show for an Arby's commercial), but I don't think they know any more than I do about designing clothes.

The episode was really just an excuse to have every contestant looking into the camera nervously saying that these dresses don't really match their preferred aesthetic. The sad part about that is that the show has been so boring so far that I don't know what anyone's aesthetic is. All of these clothes are running together. Watching Episode 4 yesterday, there was a contestant who I had absolutely no recollection of.

Anyways, the challenge. It turns out that the models kind of have terrible taste. They were all happy with whatever crap was sent their way. The best moment in the episode is when once of the many guest judges rejected a model's affirmation of a horrible garment by reminding her that's why she's not a designer. Good.

Here's the winning dress from Dayton, Ohio's Althea:


There were four people in the room watching this. Harmony, Rusty, and our respective lovers. Unanimous disdain. So of course it won. It looked sloppy. It looked like a sloppy suit with a bubble skirt. It was gross and I hate this season.

One dress in the top-3 that I did like was Epperson's. Epperson was the focus of today's episode because he misses his family and was crying while making his dress. Blah, blah, blah. But I liked his dress!


Now, to be clear, this isn't the prettiest thing in the world. But Epperson has actually shown us an aesthetic that he likes. He rejected his model's request for orange fabric and took her moronic request to look "shiek and edgy" and he made it work in a way that shows his eye for design. I didn't like this on the runway, but the more I let it sink in - especially compared to all of the other dresses - the more I like this.


I'm pretty sure Nicholas's dress was the consensus favorite in the room. It could have fit a little better up top, but design-wise, yes please.

It should be clear by now that Nicholas is in this for the long haul. He, like everyone else in this season of the damned, is playing it too conservatively. But he's got a good eye.

Now, two dresses we hated!


I remarked that this looked like a Chinese finger trap. I also liked the AV Club's review that said this model looked like a stick of gum. The funny thing is, I like the color. Hate everything else.

And our losing dress is from Quacks:


A dress couldn't deserve to lose more than this dress. A boring little black dress that's also poorly constructed and designed? Unforgivable.

By the way, Harmony and I watched a fantastic Lifetime movie last week. We really need to write up a review because I need a change of pace from this boring show. Look for that in the next few days.

Kelli Martin's Take on Episode Three

Spoiler: It's pretty saucy.

Q: So, the obvious question is why you'd ever want to be the leader in a group challenge. That is death. And you know that firsthand. The challenge yesterday, the leaders were picked by luck of the draw. Do think everyone was hoping to be an assistant?

A: First off, I think that "random" little button bag is a scam! This is a reality show man, they have pockets or something in that bag to determine who ends up together! I wanted to be chosen as the leader, I wanted to be in charge, and I wanted to win! I don't trust ANYONE, but I NEVER thought anyone would purposely sabotage another. On the other hand, I caught a glimpse of a few people's sketches on my season for episode 5, and it appeared as if they were attempting to get the assistant job! For instance, Kenley's sketch looked like an ACTUAL stick person! Who presents that to a client??!! As in my season, I am sure that some of the designer's are actually attempting to do a good job, and the others are "playing the game."

Q: When Tim Gunn throws out the curveball that they need another, more complicated dress, is that totally disheartening?

A: It takes next to nothing to whip together a swimsuit.....and like 1/2 yard of fabric! So all of this bitching about what they needed to buy was time wasting....buy a bunch of crap, and you will have choices!

All of the beach looks, especially with 2 people, should take no time to execute! I do understand the stress of having shit thrown at you last minute, so I get it, but it shouldn't be a big deal.

Q: How does one handle friction in a team challenge. Q[uacks] and Epperson clearly wanted to fight to the death. How does one work through that?

A: Honestly, I wish I would have been a TOTAL bitch to Daniel in my challenge. He either deliberately fucked his shit up, or he REALLY didn't know how to sew/construct. (A pencil skirt can be made in like 30 minutes!)

I must admit, I prefer working alone (I am a loner, Dottie, a rebel), but I did my best to not jack his jaw! When one person is practically sewing the whole look, AND helping their partner make their half, the final garment is TOTALLY going to suffer.......they made the right choice keeping Epperson.....I have a feeling we are about to see more DOTS rejects from Q.

Q: What the Hell was Mitchell's problem?

A: He obviously is lazy and cannot sew. He was kept around because he fits the PR stereotype, not because he is a good designer. It's funny how one person can never be in the bottom, win the "innovation" challenge against the ENTIRE cast of 16 contestants, and still be auf'd. Apparently you get 3 strikes now....

Q: This episode was not-so-subtly sponsored by Garnier. How much of an effect do the hair and makeup people have on looks. Do they really complete looks and make your work that much better or could you have done without them? And did they ever make one of your looks worse?

A: Man, I could have done this shit. No offense, and I have been creating my own look for 20+ years, but SERIOUSLY??! Is the hair & makeup typically ever mentioned? They have to push, push, push the sponsors in order to pay for their MASS advertising for this dull ass season. (Oh sorry, did I say that out loud?)

And some Kelli potpourri:

Finally, I hated most of the looks. I thought they were dull and boring. I did, however, LOVE the 2nd look with the zippers by Louise and the Ohioan. (that was her partner, right??) The rest were COMPLETELY forgettable....well, Ra'mon did an ok job with his second look....I love the dyeing of fabric! I am sure that you can tell! Seems like a lot of hand dyeing lately......nice to see them using gloves and buckets, etc.....I used my BARE hands like a caveman!

Oh yeah, did you see Heidi's HIDEOUS extensions in that ponytail??!! You are a millionaire!!!!!! And again, if I hear "chic", "amazing", or anything similar again, I REALLY am going to die! GET A NEW VOCABULARY!!!!! Why do these designer's find it necessary to sound so cliche'??!!!

Project Runway Episode 2 (Still Boring!)

I dunno. This is the second boring challenge in a row. And the second straight time the kooky guy has been eliminated. I applauded that the first time through, but now I'm worried that contestants who might be able to wow us are being cut in favor of the dreaded middlebrow.

Both episodes also featured new favorite Mitchell in second-to-last place. I know he's not long for the show, but, man, what a treasure chest of material. From admitting he didn't put time and effort into his first design to his hangdog face while on the cusp of elimination...Mitchell is ok by me.

The second episode opens up with Hillbilly James Iha (nee Malvin) eating an apple while covered in drapes. This is shorthand for wacky! Mitchell admits he isn't taking this seriously and, huzzah, off to the runway for the second challenge. The challenge sucks. Make a maternity dress for Rebecca Romijn and her Slider spawn. Ugh. I want to see some clothes made out of breast pumps and baby formula. I loved the simplicity of the first challenge, but doing something so open-ended two weeks in a row? Why? The budget for this was $100 and the cameras focused on one of the still-generic contestants exhaling after being charged $99.50. That led to this exchange with our in-house expert, Kelli Martin:

Q: Ok, this kind of applies to all shows with budgets....but tonight's episode showed a contestant at a Mood register being relieved that she cashed in 50 cents under budget. If you're at Mood and have a few extra bucks to spare, what do you do? Like, do they have stuff behind the counter? "Throw in that sash!"

A: First of all, nothing at Mood has prices. You never know what anything costs, you just grab and factor it out later. When I came back later in my season, Korto and I were gathering leather hides, and I TOTALLY though that we would be auf'd because she was piling everything on! I felt like I strategically grabbed all my supplies when I was on the show, accounting for the cost, when really...it doesn't matter, they will "make the price work for you." I wish I would have know that sooner! It would have saved me A LOT of time!

I find this disappointing. I was hoping they'd get to spend their last dollars on smokes or copies of US Weekly.

Kelli also had this to say about the challenge:

They "casually" mention that the designer's all have 2 days to create the look! We had like half a day! So you give them more time, the audience won't notice, and they magically create better garments. Yuck!

Good catch. I missed that.

But, wait! Kelli's not done. Regarding guest judge Rebecca Romijn-not-Stamos:

Yeah sure, they have MUCH better judges than our "thrown-under-the-bus" season. Who can be excited over Brooke Shields and Sandra Bernhard? What do they know about fashion again????

To be fair, Brooke Shields was a model once upon a time. So, same qualifications as Ms. Romijn. I have no retort for the Sandra Bernhard thing.

More judge snark:

[Second guest judge Monique Lhuillier] is a graduate of FIDM (as am I), and I assume that the proper top 3 were chosen because she replaced Michael [Kors]

So the designers put little tummy pillows on their mannequins and get to work. By now, I have decided who two of the villains are.

1. Nicholas. Nicholas hasn't been top-3 or bottom-3 yet. The only thing he's accomplished is being incredibly annoying in the interviews. I hate stuttering, stacatto laughter. And he seems to find his own jokes pretty funny. I don't like this guy at all.

2. Louise. She hand-dyed some lace this challenge. Neat! But she said she was going for a 1920s aesthetic, and not to judge a book by its cover, but I expect we'll be getting a lot of that from her. Like Kenley with her princess dresses but, hopefully, with more self-awareness. And it looks like she has a barbed wire tattoo. Lamers.

Kelli has her own intuition on who the bad guy will be (and since this is Lifetime, never downplay women's intuition):

I feel like Sherin is a talented Kenley, and I don't think I like her.

Everyone hates Kenley! Somewhere there is a tugboat captain itching to defend his daughter.

Well, I like Sherin. Mostly because her dress and jacket:

was clearly the top design this week. I loved everything about it. Even Sherin doubter Kelli thought that this was a top-3 dress.

The dresses were nice, if not a little boring and I hope this doesn't become a theme. Certainly better than last week. But the bottom-three dresses were truly disasterous.

Before getting to the Bottom Three, Harmony wanted me to call extra attention to a dress that made it past eliminations without additional comment. Quacks's:

I don't think this deserves a spot on the bottom-three. It's horribly boring, but not a disaster. Then Harmony reminded me that Quacks's thing is "plus-sexy." She does plus-sized outfits and this is the best she could whip up? This should have been right in her wheelhouse and she blew it. Quacks will be gone by week six.

Now the true disasters.

Check out Ra'mon's:

Oops! Wait a second here...

There we go. To be fair, anyone could have made that mistake.

Even Mitchell, who we'll get to in a second, said the belly looked like a bowling ball bag before backtracking behind platitudes.

And Mitchell is a joke. Harmony, Kelli, and myself all agree that Mitchell needed to go. The man can't sew shorts. The best part of the Lifetime experience last night was the beginning of the show about the models. They were horrified that Mitchell got to keep his spot.

MITCHELL CONSPIRACY THEORY

So, based on the preview of next week's episode, someone gets dragged across the coals for not knowing how to sew. I wonder who that will be?

Why keep this dude on if he can't sew? The answer: To raise a big, deserved middle finger to Bravo's The Fashion Show for having designers who can't sew. If you missed it (and you should have), one of the designers had a big hissy fit saying this was The Fashion Show, not the "Sewing Show." He made it to the top-4.

Project Runway is oh so gently reminding us that The Fashion Show sucks.

Anyways, the losing dress:

Yes, it's that bad. Yes, it deserves to be singled out for ridicule. No, it wasn't as bad as not knowing how to sew shorts.

Although Malvin lost all of his sympathetic value when he called himself a philospher and complained that this design was too complicated for America. Really? The American market is the problem? Are you stoned?

Hopefully next week we'll get a better idea of who the better designers are. Two weeks in and it's still a crap shoot.