Project Runway, Episode 1

UGH.

No Kelli!

She didn't show up on the AIM. That's right. AIM.

Now, admittedly, it's AIM. I haven't used Ye Olde AIM since college. I could have been doing something wrong. That is a definite possibility. (Editor's note: Yup.)

But Harmony and I were still AIMing in the same room. So instead of insight, you get, uh, just the regular Lifetime, Wow shtick.

Sorry.

Harmony: Where is Kelli?
Rusty: we are ditched
Harmony: hang on, bald guy on meth

And with that, we are off!

The meth guy's name was Johnny. He loves talking about meth. Other interests: crying about meth.

rusty: "if i didn't overcome the addiction, i'd be dead"
rusty: yes
rusty: that is how those things work
rusty: if i didn't stop eating, i'd be fat
Harmony: Why is he bald with a goatee?
Harmony: That bothers me more then the meth thing

We also have a guy that Harmony referred to as "hillbilly James Iha" and the unfortunately named Qristyl, who doesn't do "plus-sized." She does "plus sexy."

rusty: plus sxy = booty clapping
Harmony: I'm tired of spelling quristiels name so I am going to call her "quacks"

So the challenge is to make a red carpet dress and, to be fair, that's a good challenge. A bit predictable, but lots of room for different visions and something iconic of L.A.

If only there was someone who could give us an idea of what it's like to not only participate in a first challenge, but to win it! Hopefully Althea from Dayton, OH wins this challenge so we can invite her to chat with us about winning during the Season 7 premiere.

Oh yeah. The show is in L.A. now. They mention this. A lot. Did you know the weather is better in California? Also, the Garment District is, like, seven times the size of the shitty New York version.

So we have a red carpet challenge and Johnny freaks out because HE DID DRUGS.

rusty: addiction
rusty: what an asshole
Harmony: God, they probably had to edit out all the times he mentioned how Jesus taught him to put down the crack pipe and pick up a sewing machine
rusty: GO DO SOME BLOW, ASSHOLE
Harmony: Maybe he'll have an epic breakdwn during the runway thing
rusty: what if he fails again?
rusty: then what?
rusty: speaking of failing, AIM, everyone!
Harmony: He'll come in covered in coke like Scarface and hand his model a ripped up sundress he stole from Kohls
Harmony: AIM sucks

So, the dresses were all blah. I would love to paste photos of them, but Lifetime has made this extremely difficult. To their credit, that's because each picture magnifies when you scroll over it. It's some kind of Flash Player trick. Neat.

Let's give this a shot...

Ok. I can do this.

First the losing dress:


I am so, so happy that this dress lost. The designer, Ari, said this dress would be appropriate for the 2080 Video Music Awards as well as the Nobel Prize. My first reaction was, "there's MTV in 2080? Ew." Second reaction: "shut up, Ari."

Last season, Stella lasted longer than Kelli. I do not mean that as a dig at Kelli. It was a disgrace. Stella made for fun tv. She was not a good designer. Not at all. But she was wacky!

Fuck that. Let's cut that wackiness right in the bud and focus on the designs. If designs like that are not punished, the season will suffer.

Speaking of things that hurt the show, the less said about guest judge Lindsay Lohan, the better.

rusty: "lindsay, what do you think"
Harmony: I love how Lindsey needs tov be prompted to talk
rusty: no one has ever said that before
rusty: ever
Harmony: hahaha
Harmony: "Lindsey, do you think? is that a thing you do?"
Harmony: If anyone appreciates being rejected by a savage marketplace, it's Lohan Harmony: *does 37th Herbie movie, dies of Adderal overdose*

So, the winning dress:


This dress is also pretty bad. I mean, it's light years ahead of the disco soccer ball that got eliminated, but this is boring. I would put that on my "worst dressed list" if someone actually wore it.

Sixteen dresses is too many to post here, so just check out the dresses on Lifetime (here's the link again) and wade through the mediocrity.

So, Season 6 premiere: Sort of disappointing, but Lifetime didn't butcher the show or anything, so, hurray! The show's good enough for me to miss a special theater screening of Magnolia next Thursday, so that's something.