Night of Terror

This will be another quickie since the movie sucked so hard.

Night of Terror tells the story of the most unlikable family in Lifetime history: the Dunnes. The Dunnes are made up of mom Jill, husband Rick, and teenage daughter Olivia. The film opens with Olivia making out with her older boyfriend, Zach. Perhaps Olivia is prepared to give Zach a blow jay. With her mouth.

Jill walks in on this display and immediately disapproves. Zach wears an earring and drives a motorcycle. Obviously a bad guy. This causes much strife at family dinner.

While Rick is out on business, Olivia gets a call from her credit card company asking about a charge at a hotel. Jesus, Visa. Why you gotta narc on the husband like that?

While Jill is doing her investigating of Rick's affair, she meets hotel manager, Richard. I am going to start calling Richard "Dick" because I don't want there to be too many first names beginning with the letter "r." And, Dick...this is a doozy of a Canadian accent we've got right here. Apparently Dick is actually the hotel owner coming off a divorce. He smells blood in the water and asks Jill out

Jill and Dick have some drinks and they keep toasting to weird things like lonely hearts clubs and looking out for number one and JESUS CHRIST THIS IS NONSENSE.

Jill sacrifices the moral high ground of being cheated on by making out with Dick. He's rounding second base when a bellhop knocks on the door with room service champagne.

Awesomely, Lifetime cuts to soft focus and slow motion as it shows Dick - that big bear of a man - freaking out. "GO AWAY!!! ARRRRRRGH!!!!"

Jill is a little freaked out and leaves. Dick chases her through the lobby without his top screaming like a caveman.

After getting home, Jill finally confronts Rick about his cheating ways. The affair has been going on for six months. Rick blames it on Jill being emotionally distant after the death of her father. Oh, fuck you, Rick. You are asking for trouble.

Rick and Jill decide to double down on their relationship and make it work. And what easier way to repair a relationship than a week long camping trip with your unhappy teenage daughter. What can go wrong?

Well, one thing that can go wrong is being stalked by Dick. Dick, who started the movie off as a smooth Canuck, is now behaving like a Grade-A crazy pants. From what I can tell from his grunts and shifty eyes, Dick is obsessed with having family. So his plan is to stalk the Dunnes, kill Rick, and then Olivia and Jill will treat him like a liberator.

To celebrate the transition, Dick, nee Richard, will now be renamed Krazy Dick. Why the "k"? Because that's how a crazy person would spell it, silly.

To get a better read on where the Dunnes will be camping, Krazy Dick takes the unusal tact of just asking Rick. (God damn it. "Rick" and "Dick" rhyme. Please don't gloss over the first letter of the name!) Jill is still hiding the tongue kisses, so she doesn't call Krazy Dick out. Not a good strategy.

The Dunnes raft down the river and make camp for the night. So far, so good. The next morning, their raft is gone! This creates strife within the family as Olivia blames Rick, Rick snaps at Olivia, Jill snaps at Rick for snapping at Olivia, Rick snaps at Jill by pointing out she is always snapping at Olivia, and Olivia storming off. I hate this family. Krazy Dick can have them.

We're supposed to think losing the raft is the end of the world. No one knows they're out there! They can't get cell phone reception! Oh nooooooes!

Except, guess who runs into Olivia? Why, it's Zach! He parked his bike about a mile away. So, yeah, maybe losing the raft isn't so scary if someone is able to find this family in less than ten minutes.

After letting Rick take the fall for losing the raft, Jill admits that they're being stalked by a guy she made out with. Rick tries to play the moral equivalence card, but he wisely and quickly abandons that strategy. You know, six months versus (presumably) 30 seconds. Careful there, Rick.

Zach and Olivia reunite with the family and the plan is for Zach (who the family likes now) to drive his bike into town and get help. Naturally, he forgets his keys. Rick follows with the keys.

When Zach gets to the bike, Krazy Dick is waiting for him. Krazy Dick starts messing with the motorcycle and Zach pulls a knife. Zach charges and Krazy Dick plays a little game I like to call "Quit stabbin' yourself!"

Then Rick wanders onto the scene. He charges Krazy Dick even though the latter is weilding a mother effing knife. For his trouble, he gets stabbed in the leg. Rick then decides to run away. So, to be clear, two healthy legs, no weapons? Charge! One gimpy leg, no weapons? Retreat!

Krazy Dick pushes Rick off of, like, a four foot cliff. Because this is a stupid movie, Krazy Dick assumes he's dead. Why? Who knows.

No, the title of this film is Night of Terror. Which is odd, because all of the action here has happened in the middle of the day. But when Rick wakes up, it's midnight dark. And Krazy Dick is still there! Nick watches KD take the raft over to the Dunne camp.

Krazy Dick uses the knife to slice his way into the Dunnes' tent. He moves in on a spooning Olivia and Jill and joins the cuddle. In doing so, he basically puts his knife in Jill's hands. And yet he's surprised when he gets the inevitable leg stab.

There's a little chase and KD proclaims that this is their first family argument. Jill shoots him with a flare gun. Are flare guns lethal when they aren't at close range? I don't think so. But this magical Lifetime flare gun leaves a smoking crater in Krazy Dick's chest.

The movie ends with the family dressed in black. Olivia is sobbing as they take a limo (why would they reserve a limo?) to Zach's funeral.

AWESOMENESS: 7

Five points are for the one scene where KD's is interrupted just before getting some cougar titty.

"RAWRRRR! CANUCK MAD!!! YOU'LL BE SOWH-REE!!!"

Two points for being so cavalier about nothing make a lick of goddamned sense.

HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 2

If you didn't catch the weird blow jay reference, Olivia was in Superbad!

LIFETIMENESS: 6

Evil dude? Check. Cheating husband? Check. Woman who is tempted to cheat but can't go through with it? Check. Ungrateful daughter who is secretly right about everything? Check. Daughter's boyfriend rides a bike? Check.

But...the boyfriend was pretty nice. Dopey, yeah. And definitely looking to nip Olivia's cherry, but, a nice stand-up guy. Weird.

And talk about a lack of women's intuition! Jill made out with a psycho. And then she doesn't tell anyone when they're being stalked. When she does make the confession, she says "I think we're being followed." YOU THINK!? You just ran into the guy you made out with a hundred miles from home! What a coinky-dink!

That's not women's intuition. That's women's out-scholarship.

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(See what I did there?)

GRAND TOTAL: 15