Reckless Behavior: Caught on Tape

If an elementary school teacher showed up on the Internet drunk and topless, there's no question that she would get fired, right? Regardless of whether or not she took part in a hardcore porno flick, the toplessness and drunken revelry would be enough.

Unfortunately, Reckless Behavior: Caught on Tape doesn't pose that question. It's too concerned with the aforementioned second grade teacher trying to prove she didn't bone on camera.

Emma is that teacher. She is great at her job. She has a long-distance firefighter boyfriend living in rural Minnesota. She wants him to move to Minneapolis. He wants her to move to the country. Neither will budge. Their relationship appears doomed.

Emma decides not to meet up with her boyfriend. Instead, it's a long weekend in San Diego with a couple of girlfriends. One of those girlfriend just got dumped by her betrothed and is all sorts of crazy. Life was supposed to be so easy, she says. A husband, a job, a family. It was all supposed to fall together. But life is hard! So let's pretend we're college students and get hammered and make out with boys! Yay!

One of those boys is a real skeeve. He and his young assistant walk along the beach all Joe Francis style and convince ladies to drink more. In my long history of Lifetime movies, I have never seen such broadly painted evil characters. They refer to women exclusively as "meat" and "dumb bitches."

These two Lotharios convince Emma to dance around topless and fake an orgasm on camera. She passes out and the dudes film her.

A few months later, a hardcore sex tape is on the Internet starring Emma. Some firefighters see it and tell the boyfriend. Relationship over. Some parents see it and tell the principal. Job over. A local creep sees it and stalks Emma, breaks into her house, touches her things, and then waits for Emma to have friends over before making his move and trying to rape her.

Wait, what?

Seriously, did that just happen? A dude watches a porno, realizes the lady lives in his town, stalks her, and then tries to rape her once she has guests to interfere? If that guy wants to rape a Internet lady so badly, why not move to the Valley?

Bonus points for Emma's spectacular women's intuition. She always knows when there's a rapist within 50 yards. Someone riding behind her on a bike trail? Rapist! Are your pillows rearranged ever just so? Rapist!

The townsfolk think that Emma deserves to be raped for the video, so she moves back to her hometown where her (ex?) boyfriend and family are waiting. Because pornography is treated ever so seriously in Minnesota, some arsonists try to burn down Emma's dad's place of business. Emma, tired of being persecuted for something she didn't do, decides to fight back! She's going straight to the chief of police!

He's of no help. Minnesota law doesn't really apply to shenanigans in California. So, off to some crime lab where a technician can prove that Emma was not the lady in the boning video. Yay! Then off to a college to talk to some legal expert type.

The legal expert type, a she, spouts all kind of anti-feminist crazy straight out of the Laura Sessions Stepp playbook. Women cant have fun and not expect it to come back to haunt them! A job, a family, the dream, are all beyong women's reach! After her crazy lecture, she refers Emma to a lawyer in California.

And that lawyer promptly refuses to take the case. Emma pleads her case to the porn producer who sympathizes, but can't help her. He offers a $10,000 check.

Uh, porn needs to keep very detailed records of who is in what videos and how old they are. There would have to be releases and proof of identification on file. Emma isnt very bright.

Finally, she heads to the residence of the creepy San Diegan who filmed her in the first place. He threatens to rape her because no one would believe some porno slut. So Emma freaks and destroys all of his computer and editing equipment. Emma doesn't get her job dignity back, but she learns that she doesnt have to be scared of dudes anymore.

Again, the city girl loses her job and needs to put her tail between her legs and move back in with her parents. Happy endings are great.

AWESOMENESS: 7

Did any of that make sense to you? I mean, what a convoluted mess.

HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 2

The evil dude is played by washed-up suermodel Antonio Sabato, Jr. That's it. Slim pickings.

LIFETIMENESS: 9

We've got women's intuition. We've got a man's world that refuses to help a women in need. We've got weird anti-feminism. We've got rape fears. A smashing success in this department.

GRAND TOTAL: 18

This movie was worse than an 18, but it could have been so much better. The Lifetime formula we all know and love was there, but even Lifetime needs some semblance of sense (or washed up actors from beloved television shows).