My house recently upgraded to digital cable with a DVR. My house is now equipped with Cinemax. We can cater to all of your softcore needs.
Digital cable is great and all, but it has its drawbacks. I hate to sound like a terrible stand-up comedian but, "200 channels and nothing's on TV? What's the deal with that!?"
It is in these times of crisis that Lifetime provides its crutch. It's not like I go scouring my local listings looking for the next Lisa Rinna jam. It's luck of the draw.
And boy was I lucky last night.
Blind Trust is fantastic. This gripping tale of murder and betrayal was both uproarious and surprisingly unpredictable. It also starred Art Hindle. Hindle is the most Canadian man on Earth. Check this guy out:
That's a lot of Canada.
We open with a blonde, Cassie, who is having a wonderful time with her boyfriend. They haven't been going out too long, but they clearly enjoy having sex. Sinners. Cassie, who can't stop fucking laughing and I want to punch her in her fucking piehole, goes out with her surprisingly attractive roommate for drinks. They talk about boys. The roommate is dating an older man and she cracks this line regarding their time together:
Roommate: "His plugs turn red at night. It's like going to bed with a traffic light."
Cassie: *Uproarious laughter*
I really need someone to explain that joke to me. Please, oh God, please, tell me that "plugs" is referring to an electric socket or hair and not some other unsavory plug. I give up if Lifetime starts making butt plug jokes.
Cassie's boyfriend is super sketchy. He doesn't like being seen outside with her. And he reacts very strangely when he sees a picture of Cassie's (very attractive and chesty, if you were wondering) roommate. This guy is no good!
The next night, Cassie's roommate is also acting sketchy as Hell. She gives Cassie a fancy necklace dangling with "paste." Paste is some kind of lingo for artificial diamond. The necklace even has a name: The Willow Chain. The roommate tells Cassie how special and important she is and I swear to God they're going to make out. We learn later this is a scene of regretted betrayal, but, Christ. Why is she whispering against her neck like that? Why are they rubbing each other's arms? Did someone turn on Cinemax while I was on the john?
Next day, Cassie's boyfriend and roommate are found riddled with bullets. Cassie is found unconscious in the hallway. She is immediately charged with two counts of murder in the first because they find gunpowder on her hand.
This double-murder has the tabloids going ga-ga. Cassie is offered the services of one L.G. Mennick. Mennick is the best corporate lawyer in New York, but he likes to take high profile cases pro bono to keep his name in the papers. Um, what the fuck? Corporate law and criminal law are so far apart that my head is spinning.
Cassie is released on two million dollars bond. Her lawyer picks up the charges. "It's all tax deductible." Cassie is then allowed to return to her home which is also A CRIME SCENE WHERE SHE SUPPOSEDLY KILLED TWO PEOPLE. Can you imagine if they let OJ crash on Nicole Brown's couch during the trial!?
I guess now would be the time to mention that this is all supposed to be taking place in New York City. That's why we get the random Brooklyn accent every now and again. My favorite touch is the one, and it's only one, police cruiser that says "NY Police." Very convincing.
The trial proceeds and this is so freaking ridiculous. The prosecution keeps using "surprise evidence." Apparently, Lifetime's version of New York doesn't include a little something called discovery. I guess discovery is only something you find in high-brow Oscar winning fare like My Cousin Vinny.
Cassie, by the way is presented as really fucking smart. (Mennick points out that working as an actuary is as hard as passing the bar. Well, the NY Bar is pretty easy, right?) Cassie realizes that the necklace holds the clues to the crime. The ex-boyfriend who gave it to the roommate actually filled it with diamonds, not paste. The roommate and Cassie's boyfriend replaced the diamonds, sold them for 500Gs, and were planning on running off together. Obviously the ex-boyfriend is a prime suspect. That's the key!
I was a fucking idiot for not figuring out who the bad guy was right then and there.
Sure enough, Cassie's case goes down to the shitter. Someone anonymously sends the police department photos of Cassie and the boyfriend together. She, well, her representation, had been alleging that jealousy couldn't be a motive since she didn't know anything about this guy. Well, that went right out the door. A conviction is in the cards.
Cassie sees the writing on the wall and goes on the lam. The verdict is read in absentia. Guilty. The needle awaits!
Cassie escapes into a seedy part of the city. You can tell it's seedy because of the heavy bass, drums, and other "urban" sounds on the score. Despite the fact that Cassie was on the cover of the New York Post for the length of the trial, Cassie is able to walk freely and even use her fucking cell phone without repercussions. Remember, she, in the eyes of the law, killed two people in cold blood! Shouldn't there be, I don't know, a fucking manhunt!?
Cassie uses her actuary skills to find the high-end jeweler that created the Willow Chain. She calls Mennick and tells her he found the jeweler, who has since been firebombed (swear to God!). Mennick asks what the Willow Tree has to do with any of this, and, WHOOPS! Who ever mentioned the name Willow Tree?
Cassie figures it out. Mennick was the ex-boyfriend and killed Cassie's boyfriend and roommate in a jealous rage. The discovery of the roommate's diary shows that Cassie's boyfriend dated the roommate while on vacation in the tropics. They lost touch, but their love would last forever! (That explains the roommate weirdness, but what was this dude's deal with not wanting to be seen outside? Cassie dodged a bullet there. This guy would have probably turned out to be hella abusive, yo.)
Cassie calls the cops and has them trail her. Why they don't just arrest her, who knows? Of course, there's the one good cop who believes her because this is Lifetime and in the Lifetime universe every precinct has that one good cop.
The lawyer admits to everything. He was so in love with Cassie's roommate. "Love hits you like a hot bullet through carved ice." Um?
His goal was to commit the perfect crime by framing someone and having them acquitted. That way he would get away with murder while greatly enhancing his reputation. Unfortunately, Cassie was too damn smart so he had to send the cops those pictures. They reach an agreement to keep this all secret and work on an appeal. Cassie is to be driven to the police station by three of the most murdery looking henchmen in Canada.
Naturally, Mennick ordered the execution of Cassie and his right-hand man who was unfortunate enough to figure out that his boss was a murderer. After telling off the henchmen he gets shot in the gut.
Cassie and the right-hand man are taken to the docks but are saved at the last minute by the good cops. When Mennick is arrested he asks the DA, apparently an old friend, what his chances are.
"You're rich. You're white. And you did it. You figure it out."
Actual Awesomeness: 7
I hated Cassie. What a terrible actress. Everyone else was fine. Blind Trust didn't have the issues that one associates with a Lifetime movie. The sound and directions were adequate.
Ironic Awesomeness: 10
Jesus Christ, this movie ruled. The histrionics! The betrayal! The lesbian sexual tension! The plot holes! I can't recommend this highly enough.
Hey! It's That Guy!: 2
The lead, Jessica Capshaw, was on The Practice. That's it. One bonus point goes to the roommate, Cindy Sampson. She was way hotter than a Lifetime made-for-TV vixen deserves to be.
Well, it had the one good cop. And an evil ex-boyfriend. And the female lead was smart as all Hell. It needed some rape or domestic abuse to take this one over the hump.
GRAND TOTAL: 24
If this movie starred Jodie Sweetin instead of Jessica Capshaw, this would have been a 32. Alas, one of the great Lifetime experiences is seeing actors you recognize. This movie totally failed in that regard. But it kicked ass in every other way. If you stumble upon this work of trash art, do yourself a favor and settle in with a bag of popcorn. It's a Lifetime classic.