Sins of the Mother

Happy Black History Month! To celebrate, Lifetime has given us Sins of the Mother, a film about an insufferable college student who refuses to forgive anyone for anything. Insufferable protagonists make for insufferable movies, and this was no exception.

Our protagonist goes by Shay. Or Le'Shay. If someone calls her one name, she demands to be called the other. She gets so righteous about it that, at one point, she interrupts a church service to yell at people for calling her the wrong name. Shay is having some trouble at college. She has some stress disorder where she is pulling out all of her hair. Her brand of crazy is freaking out her profs so they ask her to take a leave of absence.

Shay is such an awful person that she has no friends to turn to. So she flees to Washington to live with her mother, Nona. They haven't seen each other in five years. Apparently Nona had a hella drinking problem. When Shay gets to her mom's house, she finds a reformed woman who replaced booze with gardening. A woman who is active in her church, her community, and her work at a hospital. An amazing recovery!

Shay then makes peace with her mom and The End.

Just kidding! Despite getting her food cooked for her and living rent free, Shay takes the time to yell at her mom every chance she gets. Nona's sponsor and sponsee are coming over for coffee? Well fuck them! Look at Nona's stupid 12 Steps book. Hahahah! Nona reads cliched quotes for inspiration? What a rube!

Shay is the worst.

Shay doesn't deserve a love interest, but she gets one in a college dude who works at a record store. They both like Nina Simone. They also like to have sex. Shay was a virgin, so of course as soon as she even thinks about sex, she gets wicked pregnant.

On the Nona front, Nona's sponsee is backsliding and she drunkenly assaults Shay by pulling off the headdress she uses to cover her insane person scalp. The Sponsee keeps backsliding and eventually burns down Nona's garden.

Are you notcing this movie has no goddamned plot?

So, at a friend's wedding, Shay is all, "I don't like coffee anymore." And her boyfriend, at a fucking wedding, says, "Oh, you must be pregnant. I forgot to tell you that when I took your virginity that the condom tore off." Oh.

Shay spent the entire movie talking about not wanting kids, so of course she almost immediately dismisses abortion as an option. After all, the movie explicitly says "Black women do not get abortions." Jesus H. Christ.

The pregnancy gives Shay an immediate personality transplant. She suddenly loves her mother again and goes back to college in Iowa knowing that she is happy and knocked up.

AWESOMENESS: 0

That's right. Zero. Fuck this stupid movie. I see a lot of Lifetime movies where people refuse to get abortions. But those movies had some semblance of a plot. They had some kind of redeeming quality. This movie has no such thing.

Now, obviously I like the silly Lifetime movies more than the serious ones. I'm in this for the irony, man. Serious Lifetime movies are at a distinct disadvantage in my stupid, subjective ranking system.

I don't care. This movie was balls. Not the balls. Just balls. Big, sweaty, hairy nuts.

HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 1

This movie starred Jill Scott. The singer. She does not count. I don't listen to R&B stations. The one point is for Mimi Rodgers, the woman who was gracious enough to introduce her husband to Scientology and set off 25 years of hilarity.

LIFETIMENESS: 4

I am getting sick and tired of reviewing all of this anti-choice shit. But, it's a theme, so it's worth Lifetimeness points.

GRAND TOTAL: 5

The worst reviewed movie? Probably! Too lazy to double check!

This movie is brand new so it will be all over Lifetime. Avoid it. It's terrible.