Co-Ed Call Girl

I think it's rather impressive that I've seen dozens of Lifetime movies but the only exposure I've ever had to Tori Spelling was her cameo in Scream 2. I need more Tori Spelling in my life. Or so I thought. Because it turns out Tori Spelling... she isn't a good actress.

Co-Ed Call Girl stars Tori Spelling as Joanna, a mousy pre-med student too caught up in her studies to have time for boys or fun. When she isn't at the library, she's at her mom's bakery helping the family make ends meet.

One night in the dorms, Joanna's roommate's friends have a goof and leave a message on an escort service's answering machine. Some escort lady calls Joanna back and invites her out to the escort agency's beach house. Because this movie is silly and makes no sense, Joanna accepts.

The beach house is totally kicking. Like, remember when MTV moved out of Times Square every summer to a beach house to play buzz clips from The Cranberries and that cad Carson Daly kept painting his nails black? That is how slammin' this beach house is.

So Joanna likes the night life and agrees to go out on a date with some big shot hanging around the house. After the date (dancing, dinner, no sex), the beach house owner gives Joanna four hundred bucks. Surprise! Joanna is an escort now!

Joanna loves feeling fancy and takes the gig under the understanding that there would be no expectation of sex.

Which is why Joanna's johns don't know how lucky they are when Joanna sleeps with them in hot tubs.

I really hate Joanna. Not just because she somehow tricked herself into becoming a prostitute. I hate her because she wears a ton of lip liner when she's whoring. And I hate Tori Spelling for making a horrible exhaling sound every other sentence. I can honestly say this is the worst acting I have ever seen. And I own Troll 2.

Finally some creepy dude wants to bone Joanna while she's dressed like Marilyn Monroe with a bad boob job. Joanna says no and her boss/pimp tells Joanna that there is a new way. Now she has to have sex with everyone. Including some less than savory dudes in wife beaters.

Joanna tries to quit the business so her pimp starts bothering her at her mom's bakery and at school. Then he tries to rape her so she shoots him in the brains.

She's as bad a shot as she is an escort. The pimp lives and instead of going for vigilante justice (he is a pimp after all), he decides to go through the courts. Because that makes sense.

Joanna is charged with all sorts of bad stuff and she has to come forward to her friends and family. Her mom gives her the standard boilerplate "You're lucky your dad is dead so he doesn't have to see this!"

Joanna lies for a while and claims she didn't shoot the pimp. Then that doesn't work so her lawyer aggressively attacks the pimp on the witness stand and Joanna gets acquitted.

Awesomely, Joanna's pimp smiles at her while she's leaving the court house. Probably because after the end credits he's going to hire some goons to murder Joanna and her mom. That's my happy ending.

AWESOMENESS: 6

All the awesomeness comes from the great mid-90s "high fashion." Everything else is bad. And I kind of want to kill Tori Spelling.

HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 3

Tori Spelling. Eh. Some points for a very, very young Jeri Ryan as the escort agency's number one prostitute-slash-recruiter.

LIFETIMENESS: 8

A little girl lost who can only be saved her mom. Also, she shoots a would-be rapist.

GRAND TOTAL: 17

A short review for a forgettable movie. Tori Spelling is the worst.