Perfect Romance

The internet has brought us so many wonderful things. If you're a wealthy first-worlder (and lets face it: you're reading a blog right now, so you are), technology is ubiquitous in your daily life. At-home shopping, Hulu, and schadenfreude on a mass scale are all but a few of the things I enjoy via my eMac. But did you know that the internet sometimes is used by people for dating? And sometimes those people have wacky misadventures? And sometimes those wacky misadventures have sexy results? I'm going to be honest- I lack the mental and physical stamina to return to DietTribe right now. But since I was laid out with a sinus infection this weekend, I took the chance to check out the streaming movies on MyLifetime.com. Perfect Romance is the story of a creepy mother, a flaky daughter, a bargain-basement befuddled Englishman, and their adventures with online personal ads. Because everyone loves it when their mom uses the internet.

The movie starts with a mother and daughter team sitting in a pastoral New England landscape and playing "He loves me, he loves me not" with some flowers. But uh-oh, someone taught Mom the wrong rules, because every petal is "he loves me not"! If that actually makes you laugh, you will be utterly charmed by the humor in this film. If not, I have some bad news for you. Meanwhile, at an equally scenic airport, an English guy named Peter gets off of a plane with a fist full of tulips and runs at a glowingly happy young lady waiting for him at the gate. Oh no! He trips and flowers go everywhere! Naturally, she decides that she is not in love with him beause he can't walk in a straight line without falling over and flinging stuff at everyone around him. Also, she is a flaky ditz, because a Lifetime movie that doesn't endorse a negative stereotype about women is not allowed to exist.

Back to the mother-daughter act. Mama Tess's husband left her to start a store called Mantiques with his new boyfriend. She apparently can never trust again, but who hasn't had at least one boyfriend go gay on them? Suck it up, Tess. Daughter Jenny is still crazy-in-love with her retarded rock star ex-husband who sweeps in for a couple hours at a time, makes her giggle and twist her hair, plays catch with his annoying son, and then leaves her for the exciting dilettante lifestyle enjoyed by shitty cover band frontmen in New Hampshire. Tess can't deal with the pain of her grandson not having a "proper" father, so she is prepared to take DRASTIC STEPS. If you can't guess what those steps are, you're in the target audience for this film. You are also as dumb as a kitten.

So the English guy is named Peter Campbell, and he is in the US to teach freshman literature on his sabbatical from whatever the fuck he does in England. (Note: if you are on sabbatical, wouldn't you not be teaching?) He can't find love because of his charming Englishness, which prevents him from talking to women without offending them by implying that soccer is better then football or that blood pudding isn't disgusting or other Englishy things. In despair, he asks another recent UK transplant how he met his current wife. His reply is so great I'm just going to give it to you verbatim: "One day I got so lonely I typed "love" into the search box of my computer. This match website came up, and I found her on there, and it was love at first sight!". Out of curiosity, I tried this with Google. I got a Wikipedia article on love, news about Jennifer Love Hewitt, a WikiHow about how to love that must be read to be believed, and an advertisement for the Beatles-themed LOVE show at The Mirage in Vegas. I guess it's a good thing that the guy didn't use Google, or else he would have ended up seeing Cirque De Solieil.

The movie then gives us a fun montage of lonely people doing lonely things. Mom, daughter, and Peter all eat alone, walk around alone, watch TV alone, and are just overwhelmingly lonely all the time. I'm surprised we didn't see someone riding the front end of an otherwise-passengerless tandem bike while bawling their eyes out. Peter is finally overcome with despair when he cannot find a TV channel that doesn't show kissing, fondling, or fingerbanging (ok not really). He gets onto a match website and begins scanning the profiles. He is soon overwhelmed by this weird, Carnival of Souls-like parade of angry chanting voices and faces that make him black out. That shit is why I stopped using OKCupid, so I can relate. Anyway, he wakes up and sees Jenny's ad and of course it is love at first sight. They spend the next couple of weeks corresponding about how much they love horticulture, poetry, and other effete boring things. Of course, the crazy twist is that Tess set up the ad and is handling all the correspondence, leaving Jenny none-the-wiser! You think a woman who got dumped by her husband for a mantiques dealer would be gun-shy around a guy who loves Keats and flowers, but apparently Tess is so into the dude that she invites him to spend the weekend at their place. He agrees, and all of a sudden we're on a collision course with elaborately staged wackiness!

From here, the movie just gets even more embarrassing. Tess informs her daughter that she's been impersonating her on the internet for months, and Jenny is pissed until she finds out the website photo of her has some bangin' clevage and Peter's a hottie. Then she's over it. Peter shows up and immediately starts complimenting Tess in a creepy-ass way while still feigning interest in Jenny. Jenny spends the next forever of the movie trying to woo Peter away from her mom by acting like an extra in a high school production of Lady Windermere's Fan in order to convince him she's got an ounce of culture in her ugly little body. But it doesn't work because she's fun! and cool! and says "awesome" a lot! and loves Kerouac! and has a tattoo! and is more annoyingly funky then Clarissa Explains it All! It's clear to Jenny that this relationship wont work out, but she knows that Peter will stick out the weekend because he is super-polite. She cruelly strings him along for a while to further the plot.

Meanwhile it becomes obvious that Tess is in love with Peter, doing such increasingly creepy things as leaving a book on his bed with a rose, constantly bringing him snacks when he is sleeping, tagging along on Jenny and Peter's one date, and leaving a post-it-note on his remote control to tell him when a soccer match is on TV then showing up in her jammies to watch it with him. She is two steps away from bunny-boiling nuts about him. This is not lost on Jenny, so she keeps setting up opportunities for them to spend time together. She even fakes an affair with a guy who works at Tess's flower shop in order to make Peter give up on her. He does, so then he's free for Mom! Hey, Peter only kissed her daughter once, so it isn't creepy. Right?

Now, let's say that you travel across the country in order to meet your online sweetheart. You spend some time with her, and despite the fact she's constantly misquoting poetry and crying for no reason, you try and stick it out. Then you find out she's cheating on you. Then you find out that you actually were chatting with her mother the entire time you were corresponding, and the whole weekend is an stupid farce to trick you into being some kid's dad until he's old enough to go to college. Now the mother of the person you have been trying to get into bed for 3 days is throwing herself at you. Would you:

a. Call the police
b. Punch her in her lying goddamn face
c. Jump in the car, drive far away, and never trust again
d. Pledge eternal love and devotion to a crazy person that lives thousands of miles from everything you hold dear

If you picked d, you've used online personals before.

Oh, and Jenny dumps her shitheel ex and hooks up with the guy from the flower shop. It isn't interesting, but that's the end, so there you are.


Awesomeness: 6

There are two awesome moments in this film. The first is the "search box" line, and the second is when a girl Peter is hitting on says "Our football is sex, war, and chess all rolled into one". That's it. There's also a part where Tess says that Neil Armstrong's moon landing destroyed the moon for romance, and I thought the movie might turn into a crazy alternate-history action flick about the moon blowing up. Then I realized that was a metaphor and I hated the movie even more.

Star Power: 6

Kathleen Quinlan (Tess) starred in a weekly CBS procedural drama called Family Law, which I know fuck-all about, so good for her. Lori Heuring (Jenny) did a little better, starring in approximately two-million direct-to-video horror films and making #64 on Maxim's Hot 100 list for an unspecified year. Her mother must be very proud. But holy shit- Peter is played by Desmond from Lost! We'll give them an extra couple points for that.

Lifetimeliness: 9

DAMN, GIRL. Literally the entire movie hinges upon a middle-aged mother fixing everyone's lives by being so fucking meddlesome and intrusive that they cannot help but bend to her will. Also, Tess hooks up with a hot English guy that is significantly younger then her because she has such a "beautiful mind". The women are always right, even when they are deeply obviously wrong, and the only positive male figure in the movie loves roses and poetry. This could not be more of a lady movie if it had a product placement sequence with Tampax, Yoplait, and Summer's Eve.

I am still docking this movie a point because it didn't have a kindly black cop or a no-nonsense lesbian cop. They could have fit one in if they'd tried.

So that's 21. It's worthwhile for a high cheese factor, but it's painful to watch. Speaking of pain; I promise I will watch DietTrbe again soon. But not today.

(Brief Rusty edit: I reviewed Perfect Romance as well. Read my take on events here.)

Perfect Romance

I'm sick and tired of babynappers and murderous ex-husbands. Why not settle in with a nice romantic comedy from the nice people at Lifetime?

Which brings us to Perfect Romance, a story about one of the more twisted love triangles I've seen on the small screen.

Jenny, a ceramics maker with a fondness for brash colors, is a recently divorced single mom living with her mom. Her mom, Tess, is single herself after her husband turned out to be gay and moved to my hometown of Yarmouth, Massachusetts (seriously) to open a store with his partner called Mantiques (seriously).

Then there's Peter, the British literature professor who moved to America to be with his one true soulmate. They met on vacation. She dumps him immediately.

Peter's luck starts to turn around when he finds Jenny's profile on an Internet dating site. They trade correspondence and fall deeply into Inter-love. After two months, Jenny invites Peter to spend the weekend at the house where they can get to know each other in person. Not as lovers, but first as friends.

The twist? It was Tess's writing that Peter fell in love with! She put up Jenny's ad (and picture) to find her daughter a new man. Jenny was still having trouble getting over her rock star ex-husband (seriously) and it was time for drastic action. That's right. Tess is a Grade-A meddler.

And, yes, when Peter drives to Jenny and Tess's place, he does indeed try to get in the passenger door and briefly drives on the left side of the road. because British people are different! Get it!?

So Jenny, at first horrified by her mother's deceit, she tries to make it work when she realizes that Peter is in fact handsome. This of course doesn't work. Tess and Peter like Keats. Jenny likes Kerouac. And Jenny is a little behind the 8-ball considering she doesn't really have an idea of what her mom was writing to this British mystery man.

Oh, what the Hell is with inviting some weird man you've never seen before into a house where your four-year-old son sleeps? That is bad parenting.

Actually, we don't really ever get to see Jenny spend any time with her son. She's too busy trying to deceive Peter. The son spends all of his time with some family friend named Miles who is handsome and ambitious and do you see where I am going with this?

It becomes increasingly obvious that Jenny and Peter aren't working out. Tess and Peter? They're a match made in heaven. Jenny realizes this and pulls a reverse. She decides to sabotage her shot at Peter and attempt to set him up with her mom. Instead of being nice about it, Jenny decides the best strategy here is to set up an elaborate scheme where Peter walks in on Jenny fake-kissing Miles. This breaks Peter's heart and Jenny celebrates her success by eating chocolate.

Jenny's rocker ex-husband also walks in on the fake kiss and he is filled with so much jealousy that he decides to re-propose to Jenny. (Are you getting all this?) Jenny, like a moron, accepts because she wants a father for her child.

Since being an asshole has worked out so well for everyone so far, Miles's reaction to all this is to try to bribe the ex-husband with $31,000 to leave Jess alone. Miles wants Jenny for himself. Naturally, the ex tattles on Miles. But Jenny decides that the gesture of buying a man's fiancee is in fact romantic and breaks off the re-engagement.

Oh, and Tess admits that she really wrote all those love letters and she makes out with Peter. Jenny makes out with Miles. Both icky couples do this in front of that poor four-year-old kid. The film ends with the tyke asking the family if he has to call Peter "Grampy" now. Everyone shares a good laugh and a happy ending.

What. The. Hell.

AWESOMENESS: 11

There are no words to describe how evil and conniving every character was. Except for Peter. He wasn't conniving. Just a moron.

I'll admit my biases. I don't care for romantic comedies that much. And even for a romantic comedy, the jokes fell awfully flat here. The joy in this film is waiting for a character to go ahead and do something awful to a family member or friend in the name of love. And then for the film to treat it like a grand romantic gesture.

In the interest of fairness, I should show you the entirety of "Pvaslinda's" IMDB review of the film. Three out of three people found it helpful!

OK ,so I saw it for the first time about 2 weeks ago,but I have watched it at least 4 times since. What a romantic movie,if only real life was this good. I guess you can see how it is going just by watching the Peter character looking at Tess ,almost from the minute they meet. The fact that she knows the poetry,the sports,everything. The younger couple was interesting as well,I have seen many people blind to what is right in front of them,so it was nice how they resolved their storyline,but,alas,the movie belongs to Peter and Tess. They just do not make enough movies that have that age group(my age group) having any kind of love life,its like life ends at 30 in Hollywood.Too bad they are missing out. I can only hope that it comes out on DVD some day,I would definitely buy it,but for right now I will be happy to play my VHS copy.

So, if you're an old lady who is easily impressed, you might like this movie.

HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 10

A solid, solid ten. The star, Tess, was played by Oscar nominee Kathleen Quinlan. She's exactly the type of "lady of a certain age" you expect to be the star of a Lifetime movie. But she's been in more than enough films to warrant a high score.

But Jenny and Peter really won the most "Hey! It's That Guy!" kudos. Peter is Desmond from Lost. Jenny is played by Lori Heuring. Who? Who cares!? All that matters is that Heuring was the star of one of the most awesomely forgotten movies that have come out in my lifetime. The In-Crowd. Has anyone else seen this awesome movie? Has anyone else seen this movie in theaters. I did. No regrets. Everyone, please see The In-Crowd.

The ex-husband wins points for being in all sorts of crap, and Miles is in some show called Battlestar Gallactica that I'm not that familiar with.

(I have no idea if I spelled "Gallactica" correctly. Please do not correct me.)

LIFETIMENESS: 4

I mean, eh. This was pretty screwy even for Lifetime. This was weird bad, which is always appreciated, but not Lifetime bad.

GRAND TOTAL: 25

Top notch cast, second rate movie.