Sunday, September 19, 2010

The Party Never Stops: Diary of a Binge Drinker

partyneverstops

If you get drunk in college, you will become a huge slut and/or die. That’s what I learned from The Party Never Stops.

The movie starts with our all-American heroine, the blonde-haired, blue-eyed Jesse Brenner, typing forlornly at her laptop, trying to figure out where it all went so wrong. We’re then transported back in time nine months to see Jesse moving in on her first day of college. She’s sad to leave her mother and her little sister, and she’s concerned that everyone will think she’s a dork, even though she’s a super cute track star.

partystops

Jesse’s roommate is Shanna, a bubbly brunette who sleeps under a giant poster of herself. Shanna introduces her to some drunk floozies who share their champagne, then introduce Jesse to a cute boy named Keith. Jesse is traumatized by her awkward conversation with Keith, so she goes home to type “loser-dork-loser-dork-loser-dork-loser-dork” in her secret computer diary. Shanna cheers her up by taking her to a club and getting her totally smashed.

Hurrying to class after she oversleeps the next morning, she meets Colin, a sensitive, floppy haired musician who kicks the back of her chair to keep her awake during the lecture. I love Colin. He is a cheesy caricature, with his torn jeans and his messenger bag and his lousy acoustic guitar music, but I love him.

Jesse does not love him. He dedicates a song to her at a bar, but Jesse goes home with Keith and everything ominously goes slow motion before she bones him.

“I can’t believe I got so wasted that I slept with a guy on the first date!” Jesse laments. “Who does that?” Um, like, everyone in college?

Predictably, Keith doesn’t call Jesse for a week, and then, when they finally go on a date, some chick in the bathroom tells her that Keith has a steady girlfriend. Bathroom Chick tells Jesse he’s taking advantage of her.

“What if I’m taking advantage of him?” Jesse retorts.

“Well, that would make you a skanky little ho, now, wouldn’t it?” says Bathroom Chick, who is a huge bitch.

Jesse storms out of the restaurant. Meanwhile, Shanna has found herself a sweet boyfriend (who she most certainly did not sleep with on the first date), but still spends plenty of time partying and listening to Jesse. She even stays at school with her when Jesse is to sick to go home for Thanksgiving break.

Jesse’s mom and Colin keep calling her, but she blows them off so she can go drink all night. After sleeping with some dude who forgets her name, she continues to party all the time. She crashes a car into a fire hydrant because some thirty-five year old guy in a Hawaiian shirt asked her to park it for him. She returns drunk to her dorm one day to find her mother sitting on her bed. Jesse is so rude to her mother that Mom runs home to sadly fondle her late husband’s clothes. This movie is a huge bummer.

And it gets worse. Colin comes to watch her try out for the track team, but Jesse’s drinking has taken its toll, and she’s not fast enough. Then, she goes on spring break, wears a dorky shell necklace, and flashes her boobs to Joe Francis. Her boobs become an internet sensation, and everyone knows what a huge drunken slut she has become.

neverstops

Now that the world has seen her topless, Jesse tries to get sober, with the help of ultra-sensitive, guitar strumming Colin. It turns out Colin ruined his life drinking, too! Hooray! They’re perfect for each other and will never be tempted to drink again! They even leave Shanna and the floozies behind at the big end-of-the-semester bash, and go to Colin’s apartment to drink tea and read poetry instead.

After a hot night of not having sex with Colin, because dudes who respect you never want to see you naked ever, Jesse goes to check on Shanna. Shanna’s not in her bed, though. She’s not with her loving boyfriend, either.

Shanna is dead of alcohol poisoning on a couch at a frat house. Of course she is. Of course the one character who isn’t totally one-dimensional is dead. Of course the girl who has a normal relationship with her boyfriend, is a loyal friend, and who parties but still gets to class on time, is totally dead. I hope everyone now understands that this could HAPPEN TO ANYONE. Except the main character.

 

AWESOMENESS: 10

This had its funny moments, intentional and otherwise, but it was nothing too special, and none of the “cute guys” were very cute. I did laugh out loud at the “skanky little ho” line, though. I almost wish a stranger would insult me in the bathroom of a Mexican restaurant.

 

HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 3

I don’t know who any of these people are, but Rusty says Nancy Travis deserves a 3 for So I Married an Axe Murderer, and I trust Rusty more than anyone else when it comes to campy movies.

 

LIFETIMENESS: 10

Oh man. The moral panic, the girls who call each other “girlfriend” and borrow each others’ clothes-- but especially, the way every guy who sleeps with a girl right away is a complete douche and every guy who refuses to put out is marriage material—make this one seriously Lifetimey Lifetime movie.

 

OVERALL: 23

While watching this, I misplaced a glass of wine. My boyfriend discovered it on top of the record shelf hours later.

8 comments:

Rusty said...

Woman
Woe man
Whoa man

She was a thief
You gotta believe

She stole my heart and my cat

Betty

Judy

Josie and those hot Pussycats

They make me horny
Saturday morny

Girls of cartoons
Won't leave me in ruins

I want to be Betty's Barney

Hey, Jane, get me off
This crazy thing...

... called love

Rusty said...

Why haven't you seen So I Married an Axe Murderer?

asweetdisorder said...

I don't know! I just got Netflix, though.

Anonymous said...

Another hilarious Lifetime movie review! Thanks =)

Kim said...

Another one of my favorites! I found Jesse's mom to be insufferable. The constant calling, the ridiculing her daughter for taking a nap during the day, and the woman's intuition that something was wrong with her daughter were really over the top.

Fun fact: Sara Paxton was in "Aquamarine," the dead roomie is Emily Kmetko in "Make it or Break it" (huge disappointment, because I loved her in this movie, and she's a total pain in the ass in MIOBI), and skanky little ho bait Keith was in the LMN two-part movie "7 Deadly Sins." Do I watch too much TV?

Great review!

Anonymous said...

hahaha...ive actually sat through this pathetic movie and i have to say that reading this plot summary actually made me laugh harder than i did watching this ridiculous portrayal of college life...
My god...did the writers of this film actually experience college themselves..or did they just google "college partying and binge drinking" on the internet (like the mother in the movie did)?
geez...everything is soo cliche and overexaggerated...i honestly think that this movie was made to feed the paranoia of parents...no surprise there (it's lifetime)...everything about this movie was unoriginal and very predictable...ya ya ya...we get it...college girls drink and have sex with people they dont know blah blah blah...whoopdee freakin do...tell us something we dont know...
but at least make a creative attempt to educate the audience, instead of shooting cliche partying scenes of naive girls getting drunk and making one predictable bad decision after another... this movie intended to have serious theme, but it came off as purely laughable to those who have actually experienced the college party life...i find it hard to believe that anyone other than the most naive of people can relate to this horrible film...

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