Thursday, June 17, 2010

Mind Over Murder

A week ago I was staying at a hotel in sort-of rural Ohio for work and, hey!, the Quality Inn has the Lifetime Movie Network. Score! I can mix business with pleasure!

There was no pleasure.

Mind Over Murder is predictably terrible. Tori Spelling plays an assistant district attorney (ha!) who hit by a car and develops the power to read minds. She then uses this power to go after a Republican Senator who murdered his mistress.

1. This is going to blow the Lifetimeness scale out of the water. Reread that last paragraph. That is shitbird crazy.

2. After reading that paragraph, don't you know every detail of the movie already? Do I need to spend 1000 words telling you about Tori Spelling using her powers to catch people lying on the stand? Or the forced awkwardness of when the judge realizes that one of the attorneys is psychic? No. You got it down.

And I had it down. I actually left in the middle of the movie to go grocery shopping. Seriously. I don't think I missed much. Somewhere in there Spelling falls in love with a cop played by her real-life husband. The lack of chemistry between those two was astonishing.

And since the movie came out in 2006, way after Spellings's plastic surgeries, you have to stare at this for two hours:


Hypnotically unsexy

But, finally, a Lifetime movie so stupid that I gave up on it. Sadly, this one the "pick-a-flick" contest they run for Friday nights. In other words, this movie was shown because of popular demand. That's a Human Centipede amount of scariness.

AWESOMENESS: 0

They say a D- is sometimes harsher than an F, but, no. This deserves the zero.

HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 2

Tori Spelling only exists to fuel the Lifetime Nightmare Machine. She isn't a celebrity anymore.

LIFETIMENESS: 10

And well earned.

GRAND TOTAL: 12

So my shortest review ever leads to a 12. Avoid at all costs.

6 comments:

Hysterical Woman said...

Ughh, what is that? I hope she sued the plastic surgeon.

Anonymous said...

Ah, I love Tori Spelling's Lifetime Oeuvre, and for all the wrong reasons! I'm going to have see this. I keep hoping you'll review Mother May I Sleep With Danger someday. It is the Lifetimiest of Lifetime movies, full up on ironic awesomeness and unintentionally hilarious moments. Lifetime calls it a "cult classic" every time they schedule a midnight showing. They are not wrong.

xl pharmacy said...

I don't know she looks really weird with the hole in her breast. She at least should sue the people behind her plastic surgery

Jeannette said...

I love Tori and it's sad she has to deal with an imperfection caused by a surgery. No laughing matter. Her acting may not be up to par but if you see her reality show, you get to see a different side of Tori that may have you possibly thinking differently of her. I don't know, to me I think she seems like she is a nice person in real life and I see past her little imperfections.... it's the way she should be with everyone. At least that is how I feel

Jeannette said...

correction - it's that way WE should be with everyone....

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