Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Girl (Part 2)

IMPORTANT! DO NOT READ UNTIL YOU'VE READ PART 1 HERE

Moving right along, we end up at another open mic night. Thrift Store Apocalypse sounds a lot better. Still shitty, but improvements are being made. They even catch the eye of a local record company. When the record execs approach Cybil, she runs off. She doesn’t need any problems from the Man. The next morning, Andrea tries to find Cybil and we get a quick glimpse of the latter’s home life. Cybil’s mom is conspiculously drinking scotch at 8am. Not a good sign. When Cybil and Andrea finally meet up, we learn that Cybil has dropped out. Why? Because she signed a record contract. On her terms. Except Greg and Richard can go fuck themselves since they aren’t invited. Richard understands that Cybil is the star, but Greg is devastated.

Meanwhile, Todd’s moved off to Seattle to record an album. When Andrea writes him a love letter, Todd responds with a form letter thanking her for her support. Andrea tries to move on by seeing Kevin again. But then Andrea decides it’s hypocrisy to criticize music when you’re not in your own band, so Kevin is gone. Geez, Andrea, are you in a band? No? Then shut the fuck up.

I agree with Andrea, but only because Kevin is annoying and I was glad to see him leave the film. Actually, it is pretty easy to figure out if things suck regardless of whether you are involved with them or not. See: Tyler Perry, Taylor Swift, and genocide. I am not a filmmaker, musician, or Stalin, but I can make a pretty fair assertion that those things suck. Also, if Andrea was really a groupie, she wouldn't be so picky about who she had sex with.

Andrea attends Cybil’s first big show. She’s opening for The Color Green! In the middle of the show, Andrea dreams of Todd slinking behind her and embracing her with a kiss. Just like Kurt Cobain would. Then, after the show, Todd meets up with Andrea and they totally make out and have sex at her parents’ house. Totally a dream, right? NO. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. I rewatched the movie to see if there was a scene where Andrea gets a knock on the head. None of this makes sense. The rest of the movie might as well take place in Andrea’s imagination.

When we watched this together, we spent the rest of the movie waiting for clues that this was some kind of weird coma dream. We combed this shit like it was fucking Where's Waldo, and nothing came up. Therefore we have to assume that everything here happened for real. If you watch the movie and catch some kind of an oblique reference to Andrea being in a coma or in Dumb Teenager Heaven, please let me know.

So now, Andrea and Todd are dating. He even takes her on stage Courtney Cox style to make out in the middle of a song. Then they have sex in a barn. Very romantic. Cybil is pissed about it for some reason and warns Andrea that Todd can’t stick around forever. The next scene, Todd tells Andrea that he’s going on tour and has to leave. They break up on good terms.

Then graduation. Holy Hell, I forgot that Andrea was supposed to be in high school. Todd is there just off school grounds standing next to his big orange van and looking at Andrea longingly. Definitely not creepy, Todd.

"Oh, hey girl. Whats up? Nothing much. I just wanted to celebrate your graduation. There's a birthday cake in here from out the dumpster at Wal-Mart. Your name ain't Janice but it's all good. I also got a water bed up in here, you know how I do. Come on, baby, don't be like that."

From here on out, we leave the realm of a Lifetime movie. We are moving into LIFETIME OVERDRIVE.

Richard is sad at graduation. Why? Because Greg killed himself! HAHAHA! The best part, Greg suicide note only had one word: “Reality.”

I wonder if Thrift Store Apocalypse ever covered Jeremy?

Then, at a graduation party, Andrea runs into Darcy going into a bulimic fit. Andrea makes Darcy promise to get help. When they leave the bathroom, they are accosted by the bully from the beginning of the movie. Richard smashes a mother effing chair on his head and dedicates his act of assault to Greg’s memory. Then he dances with Darcy.

I like how the movie tries to make us think that Richard and Darcy getting together is a good thing. I know! Let's hook the needy girl with low-self-esteem up with the violently depressed loner! There's no way this will ever have negative repercussions for anyone! Shit, let's get em a bottle of Maker's Mark and set them up in Todd's van! THE MOVIE FIXED EVERYTHING!

Oh! It gets better! Cybil shows up to the party asking to talk to Andrea. She apologizes for kicking Greg out of the band. He was weak and she knew it and she screwed him over anyways. Cybil says she wishes she had Andrea’s courage (courage? Andrea bravely fucked a lead singer?) and then says she’s dedicating her debut album to Andrea. Because Cybil is in love with her. And then they French kiss. Holy shit this is amazing.

Andrea isn’t a lesbian, but she is honored to have been kissed by such a good friend (huh?). The she wanders away from the party and runs into Creepy Todd. Creepy Todd admits that he just can’t lose Andrea and that he is hopelessly in love. They go back to his place where he can’t get a boner and I guess they just cuddle for a while. Andrea tells Todd that she can’t see him anymore because she’s going to Brown (uh, fall semester starts in another three months, but, whatever). She’s a woman now.

She's also a lesbian now, or will be shortly after her freshman orientation.

The movie ends with Andrea driving from Seattle to Providence despite the fact that the trip is 45 hours non-stop. Finally, Andrea gets to a sign that says “Welcome to Providence. Population 943,000.” Um? First, Providence is not surrounded by farms. It’s a city. Second, you overstated Providence’s population by about 750,000. Would it have been that hard to use accurate information?

Out of everything else in the movie, this is what bothers you? Seriously?

AWESOMENESS: 20

This should be fairly obvious, no?

NO! Let's talk about why this movie was so fucking awesome: The girl in question won the day by fucking a musical hobo and breaking his heart. Also, this is the first Lifetime movie where I ever chanted for the chicks to make out in it where it actually worked. I'm going to try this on Spock and Kirk next time I see Star Trek, and hopefully the internet will explode.

HEY! IT’S THAT GUY: 10

Only because it can’t get a 100. Andrea was played by Dominique Swain. You may remember her from Lolita or, awesomely, in Face/Off. Creepy Todd was played by Sean Patrick Flanery from Boondock Saints. So far, not bad, but not worthy of a 10. But it gets so much better. Cybil, the rocker with the dyes eyebrows, is played by a pre-fame Tara Reid. Seeing her act all tough is a treat. Todd’s sister, Carla, none other than Portia de Rossi from Arrested Development and Ally McBeal. Rebecca is played by Summer Phoenix. So, she gets some points for being related to some well known actors. The bulimic Darcy? Selma Blair from Cruel Intentions among may other terrible movies. How about shy Richard? He’s played by Christopher Masterson of Malcolm in the Middle and Scientology fame. This film is so stacked that it gives noted character actress Clea DuVall (of Heroes and But I’m a Cheerleader!) all of two lines as a record company assistant. Even Biff Tannen has a cameo.

I have nothing to add here but the fact that Biff Tannen has a real name, and that Rusty is lazy. Oh, and Portia de Rossi is excellent.

LIFETIMENESS: 10

I wanted to give this a nine. What kind of Lifetime mom would want to watch a movie about a high schooler slutting herself out with a rock star. The film is much too sex positive for a typical Lifetime audience. But rewriting this…I have to give it a ten. The movie deals with lesbianism, suicide, bulimia, bullies, and love in a span of about four minutes. That deserves credit. That deserves acclaim. Even more acclaim than Claire from The Breakfast Club being eaten out by an amnesiac trigamist.

I concur with this 10. This movie is what every special episode of Blossom should have been: a twisted marriage of Josie and the Pussycats and Thelma and Louise that ends with a coked-out Six nailing Joey and then riding into the sunset in a stolen car. If I had a teenage daughter she would have to watch this whether she liked it or not.

GRAND TOTAL: 40

THE FIRST PERFECT SCORE. HURRAH!!!!

Hurrah indeed! We may as well stop doing this blog. Nothing else will ever be this good. But we can only hope we'll see a couple more movies this bad.

7 comments:

Daniel said...

Did you see the IMDB images?

"Girl... It's All About Boys."

"A fab mix of 'Clueless' and 'She's All That'"

Sweet Jesus, I have to see this movie.

bibberly said...

The end bugs me too. In the book, she flew there in an airplane like a sane person.
Excellent review. I gotta say I really love the book (but not anything Blake Nelson's written since then, although I do try each book just in case). But in movie form, it's kind of ridiculous.

L-Diddy said...

I really want to watch this, and I can't find it in itunes. this is pissing me off so BAD. also, fyi, imdb says you have to be 17 or older to watch the trailer.

Rusty said...

The fact that this is a "real" movie makes the Providence stuff so much more frustrating.

Also, according to IMDB, this movie premiered at, wait for it, Cannes.

Jessica said...

Congrats on the perfect score!

Anonymous said...

This review was amazing. And I want to see this movie more than anything. Keep up the good work!

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