Sunday, November 30, 2008

New Contributor Time!

Terri and I have decided to watch every single episode of the X-Files in order. Since the first five seasons were filmed in Canada, there has been a lot of Lifetime crossover (Ryan Reynolds!). Unfortunately, my Lifetime watching has been waning.

So, new writer! I'll still be around, but I am flaky. And Lifetime movies deserve better. So, ladies and ladies: HarmonyC!

When I was told by my sister that her friend's boyfriend was OK with me contributing to Lifetime, Wow!, you can imagine my starstruck wonder. Every young lady aspires to be a Moe, or at least a Matt Drudge. But do I have the willpower? Do I have the discipline? Can I drink enough to keep up with the bitches at (Nope.) I think I got the skillz to pay the billz, and here's why:


Unlike Rusty, who just PRETENDS to have a vagina, I am an actual factual girl-on-the-internet. Want posts where I bitch about guys being misogynists on message boards? On it! Want a list of embarrassing sex facts about myself and my boyfriend? Totally there. Want to read a sad, drunken post after my boyfriend dumps me for talking about his dick on the internet? It's on like Donkey Kong. I do this for you, the reader, because women are givers like that. I'll make a twitter stream for my vadge if I have to. Just give me a chance.


As everyone knows, the true substance of internet humor is referencing other things that exist outside of the internet, and then typing frantically about how you know what it is and maybe you had one when you were a kid. For example:


Admit it, your first instinct was to laugh and leave a story about your BeDazzler in the comment section. I have lived in the bowels of the internet since I was old enough to watch animated Sailor Moon gifs on a GeoCities site. I know how you people work. Rusty will scramble to defend himself over his inability to watch Roadhouse or spell "Galactica" correctly (ONE L YOU PLEBE). Not me. I am so pop-culture I have Xena on DVD, so all you luddites can eat it.


I have seen almost every movie that has already been mentioned on this blog. Why the fuck would a person do that to themselves? Two reasons: First, I am a casual Women's Studies kind of person, and I think it's fascinating to see what kind of self-flagellating fantasies make it to syndication for women's TV. Second, I hate slutty teens. You'll get yours, slutty teens! You and all your secret babies!


The best way to get hyped for blogging is to get good and drunk. To be able to truly throw the laws of grammar and syntax out the window, to be able to obsessively navel-gaze and weep for oneself, to really Kerouac it up (and wasn't he the first blogger, in a way?) one must be consistently too whacked out on booze or drugs to stand. I am willing to do that for you, internet. Drugs not so much, but I'll have you know I get drunk very easily. I can get tipsy off of Listerine if I accidentally swallow it. You have my word that every review will be written and/or posted when I am too drunk to regret it. That's the HarmonyC Promise (TM).

In closing, read my posts, because they will blow your mind. New movie review tomorrow, ladies!


PMJG said...

I for one, welcome this bold new era of contributions to Lifetime, Wow!

Also, have you thought about branching out? Maybe to the Hallmark Channel? I caught some of their Christmas lineup and it was a veritable "Hey, it's that guy!" extravaganza.

EXHIBIT A: Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus starring Steve Gutenberg, Crystal Bernard, and featuring Armin Shimerman.

That's to say nothing of the one with Tom Arnold and Candace Cameron...

HarmonyC said...

@PMJG Woah, that is a good idea. The Hallmark Channel is like a festival of Christmas crap. Maybe we can make this happen!

Also, your dog is adorable!

Rusty said...

If we're branching out, it has to be to made-for-tv SCi-Fi Channel movies.

PMJG said...

The Sci-Fi Channel movies would require a new blog, or at least a completely separate rating scale.

The Hallmark movies could be graded on the same criteria as the Lifetime movies, but the Sci-Fi movies would need things like a Bruce Campbell Index (BCI) that measured the amount of screen time featuring Bruce, action heroes who are supposed to be like Bruce, or scenes/lines that were stolen from ("inspired by") any one of the Evil Dead movies.

And the Sci-Fi movies rely on a lot more shitty CGI effects than either Lifetime or Hallmark movies.

Terri said...

Screw that. I want to start reviewing the ads on Lifetime.

Lady problems:

- Poops
- Dating
- Cooter germs
- Baby infection

Products to address lady problems:

- Yogurt and/or adult diapers
- eHarmony (hee!)
- Too distracted by sad lady in gray hoodie to figure out what she's selling
- Baby infection tests (Having the + mean pregnant is infantnormative. I want a pregnancy test that gives a thumbs up for an empty womb.)

Anonymous said...

You had me at "animated Sailor Moon gifs on a Geocities site"

Anonymous said...

PLEASE tell me you will review the "Fab Five." Those bitches need a take, the title is a slap in the face to the original Fab Five and their arch nemesis, Taffy Sinclair. Also, Tatum O'Neal. As a stage mom/corrupt principal. That's solid gold.

HarmonyC said...

@Terri Oh my god, please do Lifetime commercials. You can totally do that. I would pay you (but not much).

Anonymous said...

Have fun with the XFiles. I did the same a few years ago. I would recommend stopping in season 7. It goes way downhill after that. Once DD is gone, the show does not make sense anymore.

Anonymous said...

The movie is on now and it is terrible. I still don't get how Chris was dehydrated. Was he so into fixing his car that he didn't drink water for days? He certainly wasn't trapped under it for days, I'm just going to agree with the original inquiry and say the car squished the fluid out of him.

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