So, new writer! I'll still be around, but I am flaky. And Lifetime movies deserve better. So, ladies and ladies: HarmonyC!
When I was told by my sister that her friend's boyfriend was OK with me contributing to Lifetime, Wow!, you can imagine my starstruck wonder. Every young lady aspires to be a Moe, or at least a Matt Drudge. But do I have the willpower? Do I have the discipline? Can I drink enough to keep up with the bitches at fivethirtyeight.com? (Nope.) I think I got the skillz to pay the billz, and here's why:
1: I AM A LADY ON THE INTERNET
Unlike Rusty, who just PRETENDS to have a vagina, I am an actual factual girl-on-the-internet. Want posts where I bitch about guys being misogynists on message boards? On it! Want a list of embarrassing sex facts about myself and my boyfriend? Totally there. Want to read a sad, drunken post after my boyfriend dumps me for talking about his dick on the internet? It's on like Donkey Kong. I do this for you, the reader, because women are givers like that. I'll make a twitter stream for my vadge if I have to. Just give me a chance.
2: I AM IN TOUCH WITH POP CULTURE
As everyone knows, the true substance of internet humor is referencing other things that exist outside of the internet, and then typing frantically about how you know what it is and maybe you had one when you were a kid. For example:
Admit it, your first instinct was to laugh and leave a story about your BeDazzler in the comment section. I have lived in the bowels of the internet since I was old enough to watch animated Sailor Moon gifs on a GeoCities site. I know how you people work. Rusty will scramble to defend himself over his inability to watch Roadhouse or spell "Galactica" correctly (ONE L YOU PLEBE). Not me. I am so pop-culture I have Xena on DVD, so all you luddites can eat it.
3: I LOVE LIFETIME MOVIES
I have seen almost every movie that has already been mentioned on this blog. Why the fuck would a person do that to themselves? Two reasons: First, I am a casual Women's Studies kind of person, and I think it's fascinating to see what kind of self-flagellating fantasies make it to syndication for women's TV. Second, I hate slutty teens. You'll get yours, slutty teens! You and all your secret babies!
4: I WILL ALWAYS BE DRUNK
The best way to get hyped for blogging is to get good and drunk. To be able to truly throw the laws of grammar and syntax out the window, to be able to obsessively navel-gaze and weep for oneself, to really Kerouac it up (and wasn't he the first blogger, in a way?) one must be consistently too whacked out on booze or drugs to stand. I am willing to do that for you, internet. Drugs not so much, but I'll have you know I get drunk very easily. I can get tipsy off of Listerine if I accidentally swallow it. You have my word that every review will be written and/or posted when I am too drunk to regret it. That's the HarmonyC Promise (TM).
In closing, read my posts, because they will blow your mind. New movie review tomorrow, ladies!