Thursday, April 24, 2008

Black Friday

I am having a crisis of faith. I love Lifetime movies. Even a lot of the movies that get bad reviews on this site. They're still a good way to kill two hours. But the last few movies haven't even qualified as "good bad" or "tolerable bad." They're just "bad bad." Like, uncomfortably "bad bad."

This review will, hopefully, be shorter than the others. There's just no way around it. Black Friday is the worst piece of garbage I have ever seen. I would have rather waited in line at the DMV for two hours. At least that two hour wait has a payoff.

Rachel is a single mom and bank executive who is in charge of her bank's security. She has set up a security system so awesome that no one can hope to break into the banks files. She goes on an overnight trip to tell a bunch of investors how awesome she is. When she gets back, she realizes her daughter and her sitter have been kidnapped.

That's right. They stole the plot to Firewall.

Rachel is told to break into a specific safe deposit box. First she tries to break into the box's owner's house. Naturally, the owner is found dead.

Rachel doesn't know what to do, so she calls her best friend. Her best friend is a blogger. You can tell because she says ultra-retarded things like, "Well, I'm off to the blogosphere." She writes "City Whispers," a blog devoted to, I swear to God, complaining about the city they live in. Lame.

A district attorney goes to the bank with a warrant the next morning. The dead cop told him about the precious lockbox and he'd like to take a look. Rachel stalls them and steals the memory card inside. Because Rachel, despite being the vice president at a motherfucking bank, is a moron, she asks the investigators why a cop would kill himself. Since they didn't mention suicide, cops, death, or anything like that, the investigators correctly identify this as suspicious behavior.

Meanwhile, the sitter tries to escape and she is killed for her transgression.

Wait, what? Talk about a weirdly jolting plot development. It's just so out of place for a Lifetime movie to involve executions of innocent female babysitters.

It turns out that the kidnappers are crooked cops who like to execute people. One of them is Judd Nelson.

Rachel makes copies of the memory card and drives off to exchange the card for her daughter. There is some arguing and a scuffle. They escape and shoot the evil kidnapper. The other kidnapper, Judd, is arrested on his police shift.

I'm sorry I wasted your time with this shitty review, but if I spend another hour thinking about this Lifetime abortion I think I will go mad.

ACTUAL AWESOMENESS: 0

I am a better actor than these hacks.

IRONIC AWESOMENESS: 0

There is no joy in Mudville.

HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 5

Seeing Judd Nelson should be a cause for excitement. Instead, it's just sad.

LIFETIMENESS: 3

A single working mother looking for her lost child? Yeah, that sounds about right. But I'm taking away points for the murder of the innocent babysitter, and for the total lack of women's intuition on Rachel's part. Also, no black cops.

GRAND TOTAL: 8

Maybe I should be choosier and not just watch whatever old Lifetime movie happens to be on. These terrible movies are killing my love for this project.

5 comments:

Tweaks said...

Dont'give up. this blog brings me Joy. Honestly, My favie lifetime movies involve teen sex.

Agatha said...

Speaking of Judds, there's a Lifetime movie called "She Said No" in which Judd Hirsch, the nice guy in Taxi, plays a rapist.

The last sentence of the IMDB write up reads, "When the DA's office declines to retry the case, the lawyer opts to sue the woman for malicious prosecution and slander leaving her feeling raped again."

Amazing!

Anonymous said...

Secret Lurker Sez: Please do not abandon the project! The only thing I like better than watching Lifetime movies is reading some stranger's snarky review of them.

God, that sounds sad now that I've typed it out.

Decent said...

you make me laugh out loud.

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