Last night features a Lifetime Movie Network double header. That's right, two Lifetime movies for the price of one (free!). I decided to start with the write-up for movie number two. Movie number one is a little higher in the ol' prestige department so I want to make sure it gets the top of the page.
Someone to Love Me opens with a frisky looking redhead getting her chemistry book from her locker after hours. Since "after hours" is a euphemism for "sexy time," the viewer is not the least bit surprised when our redhead, Cayley, is violently raped in the school parking lot.
The rapist, Ian, is called to the guidance counselor's office to talk to some police. He is decked out in a white sweater with blue trim and a tennis racket. I like this Ian guy.
Ian says the sex was consensual and that he and Cayley had "done it" before. Furthermore, why would he have to rape someone that everyone knew was the school tramp? When a district attorney asks Cayley, in front of her "wonder"ful mom, if she had previously slept with Ian or any other boys, we get a "three months earlier" flashback.
Cayley and her mom are new to town. They just moved after the man of the house fell asleep at the wheel and went over a guardrail. They hope to start fresh. Cayley isn't taking the death of her father too well. And she's the shy type, so she isn't making any friends at school. That is until she meets Kim. Kim, who is clearly in her 30s, is the super-perky stage manager of the school play. When she notices Cayley sketching some outfits, Kim invites her to be the costume designer for the show.
Kim is kind of crazy though. She's in love with the male lead and goes as far to light a red candle every night so that he'll fall in love with her. Also, she hides outside his house in case he walks past a window. Seriously. This nutjob is presented as the "stable" friend.
Ian, who is dating the female lead, notices Cayley. "Man, my girlfriend doesn't have a body like that." Ian bets his friends $50 that he can fuck Cayley by the end of the week.
After some sweet talk, Cayley goes on a date with Ian. Ian wins the bet in the back of his van. Nice.
At a rehearsal a few days later, the female lead, Leigh, goes all apeshit on Cayley. "You thought you could take my man, but you're just some piece of ass" type trash talking. Ian and Leigh are still dating and Cayley is heartbroken. Ian's friends notice the emotional carnage and one of them, quite sweetly if you ask me, bets Ian double or nothing that he can fuck Cayley too.
After some sweet talk, Cayley goes on a date with Ian's friend. He wins the bet in the back of his sports car. Nice.
Cayley goes home realizing that she was taken advantage of again. She brushes off her mother and storms into the bathroom. She looks herself in the mirror and starts whispering, getting louder every time, "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."
Now the rumor mill starts churning. Hell, if I won $50 boning the prettiest girl in school, I'd tell people too. Someone, probably Leigh, writes "SLUT" on Cayley's locker. The whispering and finger-pointing become too much.
Thankfully, Cayley still has her crazy friend Kim. Kim knows the real Cayley and won't be swayed by the rumors. Until she walks in on her man-crush and Cayley backstage in their underwear. That is one betrayal that she won't accept.
(It's implied that they did not have sex since Kim walked in before sweet insertion. Also, it should be noted that Cayley seduced the dude and not vice versa. We're beyond her being taken advantage of and into total sexy compulsion.)
Cayley walks home from school and some random dude in a convertible pulls up and asks if she's looking for a good time. And, I swear to God, she almost gets in the car. What a moron.
Since her life is in shambles, Cayley talks to the guidance counselor about her promiscuity. Her favorite part about sex? "Feeling not-feeling. Going numb to everything around me and only focusing on one thing." Whatever. I like slutty Cayley more than "I bone to avoid thinking about my dead father" Cayley.
So, our whorish little protagonist decided to fix things once and for all. No more sexxxin'. Then she gets raped by Ian. But this time, we see two black shoes in the parking lot. Someone witnessed this horrible event. But who?
End of flashback.
The District Attorney says it will be hard to prosecute without a witness. Thankfully, right before the show, Leigh is acting a bit skittish. She thanks Cayley for showing her what a jerk Ian was. That's right, she actually is selfish enough to say, "Thank you for being raped by Ian. He is such a jerk."
At first Leigh refuses to testify. Then Cayley convinces her. Then Leigh gets unconvinced by a physically threatening Ian. She gets subpoenaed anyways and breaks down on the stand. Ian's "she is a slut" defense fails and he is convicted. The D.A. says this is a victory that proves that "just because you have sex once doesn't mean a girl can't say 'no' later." True that, sister.
ACTUAL AWESOMENESS: 7
This really wasn't that bad. I watched the entire thing and didn't get bored until the very end Nothing really stuck out as being especially bad. The screenplay was serviceable and the direction wasn't too showy. Even the lighting and sound mixing were more than adequate. This is a rarity for the Lifetime oeuvre.
IRONIC AWESOMENESS: 6
Which is not to say that the film didn't have its moments. The mid-90s clothes, the bad guys in their sweet vans and Camaroes, the crazy friends. And, of course, the lead whispering "I hate you" into a mirror. That was all pretty fantastic. I just wish the trial featured as much melodrama as the 90 minute flashback.
HEY! IT'S THAT GUY: 8
Two recognizable faces here. One of which is Lifetime staple Lynda Carter. Wonder Woman shows up in a lot of these things and she's always welcome on my television set. Our rapist, Ian, is played by none other than the former Mr. Jennifer Garner, Scott Foley. Foley has a resume filled with shitty television. Glad to know where he got his start.
I'm deducting a point because I would have sworn that the D.A. was played by Shannon Tweed. Alas, my mental database of 1980s softcore erotica needs a reboot. It wasn't her. Boo to that.
The lead was portrayed by Dr. Quinn veteran Jessica Bowman. Bowman is important to me because she was the popular girl who invited Cory and not Shawn to her make-out party. Why? Because her parents wouldn't let her invite the "cool" kids because they're more likely to be naughty. This was Season 2/7th grade. Like I needed to tell you that. Boy Meets World involvement is always worth an extra point, so that washes out the lack of Shannon Tweed.
Melodrama, rape, no sympathetic men, painting in broad strokes...this movie is guilty of it all. But I really would have preferred it gone totally off the deep end. The flashback is fantastic, but I was bored to tears by the time we got to the rape trial. I just wish the film kept its crazy intensity.
GRAND TOTAL: 28
This is a particularly high score for a particularly ridiculous film. Set your DVRs accordingly.