She Woke Up Pregnant

She Woke Up Pregnant appears to be part of a series entitled "Crimes of Passion." Well, that's according to the Lifetime Movie Network. The movie's IMDB page instead calls it a "Crime of Silence" movie. That makes more sense.

The film stars Michele Greene as Connie Loftis. Loftis has been plagued with nightmares where she is being raped in her basement. She's also suffering from fatigue and stomach aches. When she sees her doctor, she gets the good bad news. She's knocked up. And her husband, who got snipped, isn't the father.

She claims she's been faithful. So that leaves only one solution: rape. Connie realizes that she had dental surgery around the time of her conception. She asks her dentist, Dr. Roger Nolton, if someone could have raped her while she was under the gas. He says that would be impossible. Connie see right through this little charade and determines that Nolton is in fact the rapist.

She goes to the police and passes a lie detector test. Meanwhile, Nolton hires a private investigator. The PI discovers that Connie and her husband were separated for three weeks. The game of cat and mouse has begun!

(The police refer to private investigators as "one step below child molesters." That seems unfair. What about Magnum, huh? Or the guy who tracked down Navin Johnson to give him a $250,000 check? Surely these heroes are at least a few steps above luring unsuspecting tweens into the back of their ice cream trucks, no?)

The police ask for a blood sample from Nolton to determine if he's the father. Awesomely, Norton admits that he is. He claims that he and Connie had an affair during her separation. This complicates matters because there is no proof of sexual assault. It also strains Connie's already unraveling marriage. When her husband demands she get an abortion and she refuses ("I can't do that again, Tom! You know why!"), they separate again. This husband character...I like the cut of his jib.

Oh, on top of everything else, Nolton hires Wonder Woman as his attorney and sues for paternity. Connie confronts him about this and he calmly informs her, "You can't win."

Connie steps it up a notch by going public. Her strategy, her 1000-to-1 shot, is that other women will come forward. Norton sues for defamation. Fortunately for Connie, another woman comes forward. An actress up in Washington to audition for a commercial (WTF!?). The commercial was really important, so her teeth needed to be perfect (again, WTF!?!?). She woke up with vaginal soreness, so Norton didn't charge her. He claimed it was a hallucination, but he still took care to buy her silence.

But her testimony can't be used! Why? Because the private investigator discovers that she was in a hardcore porno flick. Everyone knows that porn stars can't be raped! They are always available to us men at our leisure whether they are conscious or not. Duh. Apparently, this woman getting porked on camera completely destroys her credibility. Not only are porn stars sexually available to men; they're also liars.

Connie, sick of being pushed around by the system, or some such nonsense, decides to fight back. She convinces the local police department to try a sting investigation. The plan is to plant cameras in Norton's offices and wait for him to strike again. After all, his behavior is typical compulsive rapist. Unfortunately, a judge won't let them film just any old patient. That would violate their rights. (I love seeing how pissed off Connie and the cops are about this. The judge is of course correct. I would be pissed if someone filmed me turning and coughing without my consent.) They can only film undercover cops. But where can they find an attractive female cop with teeth problems?

(They seriously make a big deal that the cop has to be attractive. Well, if the behavior is compulsive, does the pulchritude of the cop matter?)

Oh, of course there happens to be a hot, blonde cop who needs some oral surgery. Of course there is. Why wouldn't there be?

It takes some convincing, but Connie gets her to go in for surgery. She gets her work done and Norton starts to make his move. Unfortunately, a nurse knocks on the door and totally cockblocks him. It looks like the investigation is dead in the water.

Just kidding! Norton left a nerve exposed! The undercover cop has to go back in... this time in the dead of night when there won't be nurses to interrupt the sexxxin'.

Norton, on videotape, feels up the patient/cop and whips out a condom. That's all the cops need and they bust him. The movie ends with him being denied bail and the hot cop making one of the more tone-deaf jokes in the history of Lifetime movies. She's holding her jaw in court and says, "On top of it all, he was a lousy dentist!" And everyone laughs as if Connie wasn't carrying his baby and that he hadn't raped a bunch of people.

Oh, and Connie and her husband reconcile.

ACTUAL AWESOMENESS: 6

Except for the teleplay, there weren't any real problems here. The acting and direction were fine. But let me go on record that I hate the stupid editing cut where the scene jumps with similar dialogue. Example: Connie is being interviewed at the police department and they ask her if she'd be willing to take a lie detector test. You hear "Yes," but the scene switches from an office to the lie detector room. That is incredibly annoying and the movie kept doing it.

And, wow that's convenient finding a hot cop with dental issues. Especially convenient that she had to go back under the dead of night.

IRONIC AWESOMENESS: 9

Um, a woman was raped while under the gas. That's pretty sweet.

HEY, IT'S THAT GUY!: 5

All five points courtesy of Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter. Why she took such a small role, I'll never know. She had like 6 minutes of screen time.

Apparently Michele Green was a cast member of L.A. Law. I'm not a woman of a certain age (Hi Mom!), so I have no idea what that means.

LIFETIMENESS: 8

I'm starting out at 10 because the movie features a terrible husband and a man using anesthesia to enable his serial rapey-ness. And it had Wonder Woman. Am I the only one who suspects Lynda Carter gets offered every female part in every Lifetime movie ever? So, let's start deducting.

Well, there were no black cops. That was shocking. Minus one point.

And the movie was shockingly socially conservative. I'm all for Connie not wanting an abortion. I mean, that's her choice. Pro-choice, get it? But her reasons are, um, not good. She got an abortion when she was younger and it scarred her for life. Seriously. She claimed that she would cry every time she heard a vacuum cleaner. That line was hilarious, but it's also dangerous. "Abortions will scar you for life" isn't the sort of message you usually get on Lifetime.

The whole entire porn angle was also distressing. I understand some ladies don't like porn. But the way they treat someone who was in one porn film as undependable was pretty shocking. The film came out in 1996, just before the Internet made pornography mainstream. But, wow, once they found out this woman was in a hardcore flick, it's like they treated her as less than human. Minus one point.

GRAND TOTAL: 28

A solid choice for anyone who enjoys the premise of a woman being raped while unconscious. (Excuse me, not raped. Gray raped. After all, she never said "no.") Obviously that premise is inherently enjoyable. Which is why you should be watching this movie next time it's on the air.