Our next Lifetime movie gives us the story of Mary Faith Rapple. If you couldn't tell by her white trash name, Mary Faith is a Southern girl just trying to make her way through the world. She's apparently so smart that she is getting stipend offers from Duke and Yale despite the fact that she doesn't play a single sport or participate in a single club. She just studies and teaches adult GED classes at night. Her mom died a few years ago so she takes care of her father (college essay gold!). She's a bit of a loner.
Then a new boy shows up in town. He's a loner too. And he's quite interested in Mary Faith. They skip class and take a bath together. They take away each other's virginity.
Mary Faith was nervous. "I don't know how to do this," she quivers.
Her boy toy nervously laughs and replies, "I don't know how either."
Well, at least one of them has a pretty good idea because Mary Faith ends up pregnant as fuck. But not before - wait for it - her boyfriend dies in a motorcycle accident!
So, let's check the peripheries of this little Georgia town called Due East. The principal runs his school with an iron fist, but he has a soft spot for the super successful Mary Faith. One of Mary Faith's students is a drop-out. She drops out of the movie pretty quickly, but her mother is the recently dumped Becky Purdue. Becky is struggling with inadequacy after her husband left for his secretary. All she's left with is three brat kids and a whopper of a drinking problem. Mary Faith's best friend after her boyfriend's death is Stephen Dugan, another tutor at the GED class. When Mary Faith tells her father about the pregnancy, he confronts Stephen's mother, Nell, and asks if her son is the father. By the end of that awkward conversation, they're drunk making out.
So, that's Due East. Oh! And everyone is tawkin' in a Suthernnn accent. It's so fucking exaggerated and ridiculous.
So word of the pregnancy starts to leak out. Her father isn't quite supportive and he goes as far as to allow Mary Faith's uncle to call her white trash who has disappointed the memory of her mother. Zing! Mary Faith claims that she is no such thing. Cone on, sugar. You're a knocked up 16-year-old mechanic's daughter from Georgia. You're a meth lab from being the whole enchilada.
Still, it's a family secret. Becky is the only one who figures out what's up when she spies Mary Faith checking out a pamphlet for a house of unwed mothers (those still exist?). Becky tries to be sweet, but her drinking problem and general craziness prevents her from being a shoulder for Mary Faith to cry on. Becky is too busy stalking her husband and his new trophy wife and drinking in a parking lot.
Mary Faith's family is working her over hard to convince her to get that little baby scraped. The aforementioned uncle is the bad cop. The aunt is clearly a presumptuous hypocrite, but she at least refuses to go on vacation until Mary Faith makes a decision so she can take her to a big city baby death factory if necessary. Mary Faith takes her up on it and then calls Becky to pick her up, leaving poor Auntie surrounded by anti-choice protesters.
Becky and Mary Faith start bonding. Mary Faith gets a motherly figure to talk to and Becky gets to feel good about herself. It's depressing, but at least it's symbiotic.
Mary Faith's decision to keep the baby has consequences. Specifically, people start noticing. The principal reacts to having his prize pupil pregnant by expelling her and banning her from teaching the GED classes. This is very, very illegal. And really dick. I am changing Mr. Principal's name to Mr. Principle because this man is no one's pal.
Mary Faith reacts by writing a letter to the editor in the town newspaper calling the Principle out on his bullshit. Mary Faith's family expects some blow back. Instead, the town rallies behind her and pressures the Principle to allow Mary Faith to take finals and graduate. The letter to the editor also catches the attention of the baby daddy's parents. They knew Mary Faith's baby wad their grandchild when they found an "intimate poem" in their son's belongings.
Here is the shitty poem in its entirety (typed out by Terri, who uses both hands to type, rather than two fingers):
If I'm the dreamer, you are what I dream.
Don't you know yet?
Fling the emptiness out of your arms into the spaces we breathe.
Perhaps some birds will feel the expanded air with more passion for flying.
If I am the lover, you are who I love.
Holy virgin.
All of this was mission, turning your body toward the perfect celebration.
Of me in you.
Forever.
My love.
Totally gay. She's lucky she didn't get AIDS.
So, in Bad Father Town, Mary Faith's dad, Jesse, is loving his time with Nell (remember her?). He decides to propose. Nell tells Jesse that she was just looking for a warm body. Oh snap! Jesse dumps her and then collapses from an anxiety attack. When Mary Faith visits Jesse in the hospital, they realize how much they need each other and promise to always be there for each other.
Mary Faith is nervous for graduation because even in a gown she looks like a sea cow. But her graduating class decides to support her by wearing pillows under their gown so they all look preggers. Why are they doing this? I thought Mary Faith had no friends?
Predictably, Mary Faith's water breaks when she's on stage. She shits out a kid and Becky takes her to the grandparents that are, surprise!, legally adopting the child.
TOTAL AWESOMENESS: 12
The anxiety attack and motorcycle were really nice touches. And the poem was fantastic too. Everyone in this white trash town really brought the crazy. But, like so many Lifetime movies, I needed something more.
HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 3
The very minor character of Nell is played by Cybill Shepherd. Jesse is played by Robert Forster who was nominated for an Oscar for Jackie Brown (never saw it).
But I will not be giving any points for Kate Capshaw's Becky. Capshaw was the female lead in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. That movie sucked hard. And she played one of the most annoying characters in the history of popcorn cinema. Actually, no. One bonus point.
HEY! IT'S THAT GUY! 4
That extra point is because this is Kate Capshaw's final movie. Fuck you, Kate Capshaw! I hope you got stung when you dipped your hand in that bug tunnel.
LIFETIMENESS: 4
It tries to be melodramatic. But, come on. Nothing of importance happens. A boy dies, a kid is born, and so what? The two bad guys, the principle and the uncle are bad, but they get like four minutes of screen time combined.
GRAND TOTAL: 20
Average score for an average movie. Probably worth it for the poem. But I just gave you the thing in its entirety. So I really just saved you two hours. You're welcome.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Perfect Romance
I'm sick and tired of babynappers and murderous ex-husbands. Why not settle in with a nice romantic comedy from the nice people at Lifetime?
Which brings us to Perfect Romance, a story about one of the more twisted love triangles I've seen on the small screen.
Jenny, a ceramics maker with a fondness for brash colors, is a recently divorced single mom living with her mom. Her mom, Tess, is single herself after her husband turned out to be gay and moved to my hometown of Yarmouth, Massachusetts (seriously) to open a store with his partner called Mantiques (seriously).
Then there's Peter, the British literature professor who moved to America to be with his one true soulmate. They met on vacation. She dumps him immediately.
Peter's luck starts to turn around when he finds Jenny's profile on an Internet dating site. They trade correspondence and fall deeply into Inter-love. After two months, Jenny invites Peter to spend the weekend at the house where they can get to know each other in person. Not as lovers, but first as friends.
The twist? It was Tess's writing that Peter fell in love with! She put up Jenny's ad (and picture) to find her daughter a new man. Jenny was still having trouble getting over her rock star ex-husband (seriously) and it was time for drastic action. That's right. Tess is a Grade-A meddler.
And, yes, when Peter drives to Jenny and Tess's place, he does indeed try to get in the passenger door and briefly drives on the left side of the road. because British people are different! Get it!?
So Jenny, at first horrified by her mother's deceit, she tries to make it work when she realizes that Peter is in fact handsome. This of course doesn't work. Tess and Peter like Keats. Jenny likes Kerouac. And Jenny is a little behind the 8-ball considering she doesn't really have an idea of what her mom was writing to this British mystery man.
Oh, what the Hell is with inviting some weird man you've never seen before into a house where your four-year-old son sleeps? That is bad parenting.
Actually, we don't really ever get to see Jenny spend any time with her son. She's too busy trying to deceive Peter. The son spends all of his time with some family friend named Miles who is handsome and ambitious and do you see where I am going with this?
It becomes increasingly obvious that Jenny and Peter aren't working out. Tess and Peter? They're a match made in heaven. Jenny realizes this and pulls a reverse. She decides to sabotage her shot at Peter and attempt to set him up with her mom. Instead of being nice about it, Jenny decides the best strategy here is to set up an elaborate scheme where Peter walks in on Jenny fake-kissing Miles. This breaks Peter's heart and Jenny celebrates her success by eating chocolate.
Jenny's rocker ex-husband also walks in on the fake kiss and he is filled with so much jealousy that he decides to re-propose to Jenny. (Are you getting all this?) Jenny, like a moron, accepts because she wants a father for her child.
Since being an asshole has worked out so well for everyone so far, Miles's reaction to all this is to try to bribe the ex-husband with $31,000 to leave Jess alone. Miles wants Jenny for himself. Naturally, the ex tattles on Miles. But Jenny decides that the gesture of buying a man's fiancee is in fact romantic and breaks off the re-engagement.
Oh, and Tess admits that she really wrote all those love letters and she makes out with Peter. Jenny makes out with Miles. Both icky couples do this in front of that poor four-year-old kid. The film ends with the tyke asking the family if he has to call Peter "Grampy" now. Everyone shares a good laugh and a happy ending.
What. The. Hell.
AWESOMENESS: 11
There are no words to describe how evil and conniving every character was. Except for Peter. He wasn't conniving. Just a moron.
I'll admit my biases. I don't care for romantic comedies that much. And even for a romantic comedy, the jokes fell awfully flat here. The joy in this film is waiting for a character to go ahead and do something awful to a family member or friend in the name of love. And then for the film to treat it like a grand romantic gesture.
In the interest of fairness, I should show you the entirety of "Pvaslinda's" IMDB review of the film. Three out of three people found it helpful!
OK ,so I saw it for the first time about 2 weeks ago,but I have watched it at least 4 times since. What a romantic movie,if only real life was this good. I guess you can see how it is going just by watching the Peter character looking at Tess ,almost from the minute they meet. The fact that she knows the poetry,the sports,everything. The younger couple was interesting as well,I have seen many people blind to what is right in front of them,so it was nice how they resolved their storyline,but,alas,the movie belongs to Peter and Tess. They just do not make enough movies that have that age group(my age group) having any kind of love life,its like life ends at 30 in Hollywood.Too bad they are missing out. I can only hope that it comes out on DVD some day,I would definitely buy it,but for right now I will be happy to play my VHS copy.
So, if you're an old lady who is easily impressed, you might like this movie.
HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 10
A solid, solid ten. The star, Tess, was played by Oscar nominee Kathleen Quinlan. She's exactly the type of "lady of a certain age" you expect to be the star of a Lifetime movie. But she's been in more than enough films to warrant a high score.
But Jenny and Peter really won the most "Hey! It's That Guy!" kudos. Peter is Desmond from Lost. Jenny is played by Lori Heuring. Who? Who cares!? All that matters is that Heuring was the star of one of the most awesomely forgotten movies that have come out in my lifetime. The In-Crowd. Has anyone else seen this awesome movie? Has anyone else seen this movie in theaters. I did. No regrets. Everyone, please see The In-Crowd.
The ex-husband wins points for being in all sorts of crap, and Miles is in some show called Battlestar Gallactica that I'm not that familiar with.
(I have no idea if I spelled "Gallactica" correctly. Please do not correct me.)
LIFETIMENESS: 4
I mean, eh. This was pretty screwy even for Lifetime. This was weird bad, which is always appreciated, but not Lifetime bad.
GRAND TOTAL: 25
Top notch cast, second rate movie.
Which brings us to Perfect Romance, a story about one of the more twisted love triangles I've seen on the small screen.
Jenny, a ceramics maker with a fondness for brash colors, is a recently divorced single mom living with her mom. Her mom, Tess, is single herself after her husband turned out to be gay and moved to my hometown of Yarmouth, Massachusetts (seriously) to open a store with his partner called Mantiques (seriously).
Then there's Peter, the British literature professor who moved to America to be with his one true soulmate. They met on vacation. She dumps him immediately.
Peter's luck starts to turn around when he finds Jenny's profile on an Internet dating site. They trade correspondence and fall deeply into Inter-love. After two months, Jenny invites Peter to spend the weekend at the house where they can get to know each other in person. Not as lovers, but first as friends.
The twist? It was Tess's writing that Peter fell in love with! She put up Jenny's ad (and picture) to find her daughter a new man. Jenny was still having trouble getting over her rock star ex-husband (seriously) and it was time for drastic action. That's right. Tess is a Grade-A meddler.
And, yes, when Peter drives to Jenny and Tess's place, he does indeed try to get in the passenger door and briefly drives on the left side of the road. because British people are different! Get it!?
So Jenny, at first horrified by her mother's deceit, she tries to make it work when she realizes that Peter is in fact handsome. This of course doesn't work. Tess and Peter like Keats. Jenny likes Kerouac. And Jenny is a little behind the 8-ball considering she doesn't really have an idea of what her mom was writing to this British mystery man.
Oh, what the Hell is with inviting some weird man you've never seen before into a house where your four-year-old son sleeps? That is bad parenting.
Actually, we don't really ever get to see Jenny spend any time with her son. She's too busy trying to deceive Peter. The son spends all of his time with some family friend named Miles who is handsome and ambitious and do you see where I am going with this?
It becomes increasingly obvious that Jenny and Peter aren't working out. Tess and Peter? They're a match made in heaven. Jenny realizes this and pulls a reverse. She decides to sabotage her shot at Peter and attempt to set him up with her mom. Instead of being nice about it, Jenny decides the best strategy here is to set up an elaborate scheme where Peter walks in on Jenny fake-kissing Miles. This breaks Peter's heart and Jenny celebrates her success by eating chocolate.
Jenny's rocker ex-husband also walks in on the fake kiss and he is filled with so much jealousy that he decides to re-propose to Jenny. (Are you getting all this?) Jenny, like a moron, accepts because she wants a father for her child.
Since being an asshole has worked out so well for everyone so far, Miles's reaction to all this is to try to bribe the ex-husband with $31,000 to leave Jess alone. Miles wants Jenny for himself. Naturally, the ex tattles on Miles. But Jenny decides that the gesture of buying a man's fiancee is in fact romantic and breaks off the re-engagement.
Oh, and Tess admits that she really wrote all those love letters and she makes out with Peter. Jenny makes out with Miles. Both icky couples do this in front of that poor four-year-old kid. The film ends with the tyke asking the family if he has to call Peter "Grampy" now. Everyone shares a good laugh and a happy ending.
What. The. Hell.
AWESOMENESS: 11
There are no words to describe how evil and conniving every character was. Except for Peter. He wasn't conniving. Just a moron.
I'll admit my biases. I don't care for romantic comedies that much. And even for a romantic comedy, the jokes fell awfully flat here. The joy in this film is waiting for a character to go ahead and do something awful to a family member or friend in the name of love. And then for the film to treat it like a grand romantic gesture.
In the interest of fairness, I should show you the entirety of "Pvaslinda's" IMDB review of the film. Three out of three people found it helpful!
OK ,so I saw it for the first time about 2 weeks ago,but I have watched it at least 4 times since. What a romantic movie,if only real life was this good. I guess you can see how it is going just by watching the Peter character looking at Tess ,almost from the minute they meet. The fact that she knows the poetry,the sports,everything. The younger couple was interesting as well,I have seen many people blind to what is right in front of them,so it was nice how they resolved their storyline,but,alas,the movie belongs to Peter and Tess. They just do not make enough movies that have that age group(my age group) having any kind of love life,its like life ends at 30 in Hollywood.Too bad they are missing out. I can only hope that it comes out on DVD some day,I would definitely buy it,but for right now I will be happy to play my VHS copy.
So, if you're an old lady who is easily impressed, you might like this movie.
HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 10
A solid, solid ten. The star, Tess, was played by Oscar nominee Kathleen Quinlan. She's exactly the type of "lady of a certain age" you expect to be the star of a Lifetime movie. But she's been in more than enough films to warrant a high score.
But Jenny and Peter really won the most "Hey! It's That Guy!" kudos. Peter is Desmond from Lost. Jenny is played by Lori Heuring. Who? Who cares!? All that matters is that Heuring was the star of one of the most awesomely forgotten movies that have come out in my lifetime. The In-Crowd. Has anyone else seen this awesome movie? Has anyone else seen this movie in theaters. I did. No regrets. Everyone, please see The In-Crowd.
The ex-husband wins points for being in all sorts of crap, and Miles is in some show called Battlestar Gallactica that I'm not that familiar with.
(I have no idea if I spelled "Gallactica" correctly. Please do not correct me.)
LIFETIMENESS: 4
I mean, eh. This was pretty screwy even for Lifetime. This was weird bad, which is always appreciated, but not Lifetime bad.
GRAND TOTAL: 25
Top notch cast, second rate movie.
Friday, September 26, 2008
My Daughter's Secret Life (Updated)
aka Lucky Girl. Hmmmm, another movie with two titles. That's a good sign, right?
The film opens with Katlin, played by Elisha Cuthbert, scratching lottery tickets in the middle of her honors physics class. She wins $10 and screams. Her outburst catches everyone's attention and she is asked to answer a difficult question. She nails it.
See? Katlin is super smart, but she still has a problem.
Katlin is excited about the ten bucks because that's halfway to a night in a European hostel. Katlin and her sensible best friend, Cheryl, are saving up for a big trip across the Atlantic. Every cent helps.
So why is Katlin playing scratch tickets? That's a game where you have, at best, a 4:1 chance of merely breaking even. Any honors students would know to play games with much higher odds of success.
Katlin is hosting Cheryl's birthday party. She invites the popular girls. Why? Because she wants to fleece them in poker. We're also introduced to Katlin's mom. She provides a bottle of wine for the party of teenagers. Bad mom alert!
Katlin does indeed play poker -- if you can call Five Card Draw poker -- with the popular girls and fleeces them out of $185. Of course, they're playing with fake money. Oh, did I say "fake"? I meant "Canadian." This is one of the movies where it's actually set in Canada instead of fake America. Which is fantastic. The accents are out in full force!
(Since this film was made in 2001, I can make fun of Katlin's wins and losses. I mean, it's only Canadian money. Practically worthless in 2001.)
Katlin's victory over the cheerleaders attracts the attention of some football players who are running a sports book out of their high school. Katlin bets $60 on two games and nails them both. The next week she goes to the sports book run by the black kids at the school. She wins money there too. The next week, she, with the help of Cheryl's capital, starts her own book. For two weeks, it's a success. They make $1,700 in loonies. Of course, the next week, she loses everything when all the bets go the other way.
Ok, so Katlin is an honor student who loves gambling, right? Then how can she lose that much money in one week running a sports book!? That's insane! Sports books only work if 50% of the bettors gamble on one team, and the other half gambles on the other. You take the money from the losers and pay out less than 100% to the winners. (The actual percentages vary on how many bets are being made. Vegas and online gambling gets a ton of bets, so they have better payouts since the volume of betting means they'll still make coin. A school pool like this should probably pay out 90%). This is, over time, guaranteed to make money! So why monkey with the lines and risk everything!
And, yeah, I know she's supposed to be an impulsive addict, always looking for an edge. But, Christ, GAMBLING ADDICTS SHOULD HAVE AN IDEA OF HOW GAMBLING WORKS.
Katlin doesn't have enough cash to pay the football players, so she makes a double-or-nothing bet on a basketball game. She takes the underdog straight up. The boys eagerly accept the bet. What they don't know, is that, duh duh duhhhhh, Katlin uses the Internet for sports research! The favorite's star player is injured! Well, clearly Katlin hadn't heard of something called the Ewing Theory. She loses the bet.
(When they show the basketball game, the score is tied 93-93. Then the favorite makes a last-second miracle heave from half court to win the game 95-93. But, wait. The shot was from half court. The score should have been 96-93. Jesus, Lifetime. Even the WNBA has a three point line.)
Now Katlin is in way over her head. She tries to make her money back via Internet roulette. This turns out just as badly as expected. She's $2,000 in the hole to the football players and $2,600 in the hole on her credit card.
For some reason or another, the Queen Bee of the popular girls asks Katlin to cut class with her and hang out with her older brother to do ecstasy. The older brother, Ron, and Katlin pass on the E but decide to have a high stakes poker game. Because, why not?
Katlin's little girl lost routine nets her two grand. She celebrates by making out with Ron. Ron, by the way, is supposed to be 22. 22? Bullshit.
The next day, the football players demand their money. She says she doesn't have it. They drag her into the men's room, punch her, and take the $1,000 in her wallet. Katlin is still over her head in debts so she starts stealing from her Mom.
*UPDATE*
I just realized that Katlin's high school had at least three different sports books with the transfer of thousands of dollars as well and girls getting beaten up in men's rooms. And that's nothing compared to the high school in the Degrassi series.
So, my question is, what the Hell is wrong with Canadian schools?
*END UPDATE*
Ron takes Katlin to a creepy loan shark who lends Katlin three grand. He wants the money back in a week. The interest and the punishment for not paying the money back on time are not specified.
So Katlin has enough to pay everyone back. So Ron takes her to an underground casino. Of course! Katlin gets hooked on blackjack. Her first hand she splits on aces and hits two blackjacks! That's a huge win! Congrats, Katlin!
Things go down hill from there.
Now, follow me through this. This may be one of my favorite Lifetime montages ever. Ron is beating up some guy outside who owes him money. Katlin is losing a ton of money because she is betting on instinct instead of on the cards (stop hitting on 16!). And, the proprietor of this illegal establishment, obviously an Asian man, is singing Asia's hit single "Heat of the Moment" on karaoke. In full blown Engrish. Holy smokes.
Katlin lost all of her money. So, she does what any smart addict would do. She and Ron burgle her parents' mansion.
The plan was for her and Ron to split the profits. But Ron is a smart man, and he has his own debts to the creepy loan shark. So he rips Katlin off. And the loan shark still wants his money tomorrow.
Katlin goes back to the casino with only $100, a lot of it coming from her younger brother's piggy bank (he lets her borrow it). After some initial bad luck, she starts winning. When she comes home, her mom is awake and waiting. She knows Katlin has been stealing from her. Katlin is forced to take her substantial winnings and give them to her mom. The creepy loan shark awaits.
What will the loan shark do to repay the loan? Why, film a porno with him and his creepy wife of course. "Let's start with kissing." Yuck. Katlin says she can't go through with it. The loan shark says she has to.
At the last second, Ron shows up at Katlin's house and tells Mom what's up. Mom barges into the loan shark's house, but it's too late. The porno is good and filmed.
The loan shark tries to intimidate Mom by saying that if she goes to the police, he will tear her family apart. Kaitlin then lets slip that she orchestrated the break-in.
"Tell me something I don't know!" Ha!
Mom and Katlin storm off to the car. Mom takes her Club, goes back to the house, and beats the shit out of the loan shark with it. Wow. Did not see that coming.
The family goes to the police and the loan shark, the wife, and Ron are all sent to jail. How does Katlin not get arrested? Oh well, she gets sent to rehab instead. Since she's not allowed to hold money, Cheryl, who is Europe bound, buys Katlin a scooter to give to her brother for his birthday. Awww.
Katlin promptly returns the scooter for cash and heads straight to a bar with one of those coin-op games.
But...YOU CAN'T EVEN GAMBLE ON THOSE!!! PLAYING PHOTO HUNT IS NOT GAMBLING!!!
It figures Lifetime would botch a twist ending.
AWESOMENESS: 20.
That's right. The first full 20. Nothing in the film, other than maybe the sports scenes, was so bad as to distract from the viewing experience. Everything was done relatively competently.
And that montage. Oh my God, that montage.
I never meant to be so bad to you
One thing I said that I would never do
One rook from you and I would farr from glace
And that would wipe this smire light from my face
It was the heat of the moment
Terring me what your heart meant
Heat of the moment shone in your eyes
HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 4
I refuse to get that jazzed up about Elisha Cuthbert. Her career is dead. But, oh, we'll all remember the range she showed when she got chased by that mountain lion on 24. That was some quality acting.
Other people? No.
LIFETIMENESS: 7
Let me be clear about one thing. The mother figuring everything out is not a case of women's intuition. It was remarkably clear that Katlin had a problem and she ignored it until the signs were glaringly clear.
This film earned its points because it maintained an atmosphere of ridiculous melodrama for the entire two hours. That can't be easy.
GRAND TOTAL: 31
One of the highest rated films in the history of this blog. I hope my write-up makes it clear why My Daughter's Secret Life has earned such distinction.
The movie was so good that I immediately went out and bought two scratch tickets (seriously).
I didn't win.
The film opens with Katlin, played by Elisha Cuthbert, scratching lottery tickets in the middle of her honors physics class. She wins $10 and screams. Her outburst catches everyone's attention and she is asked to answer a difficult question. She nails it.
See? Katlin is super smart, but she still has a problem.
Katlin is excited about the ten bucks because that's halfway to a night in a European hostel. Katlin and her sensible best friend, Cheryl, are saving up for a big trip across the Atlantic. Every cent helps.
So why is Katlin playing scratch tickets? That's a game where you have, at best, a 4:1 chance of merely breaking even. Any honors students would know to play games with much higher odds of success.
Katlin is hosting Cheryl's birthday party. She invites the popular girls. Why? Because she wants to fleece them in poker. We're also introduced to Katlin's mom. She provides a bottle of wine for the party of teenagers. Bad mom alert!
Katlin does indeed play poker -- if you can call Five Card Draw poker -- with the popular girls and fleeces them out of $185. Of course, they're playing with fake money. Oh, did I say "fake"? I meant "Canadian." This is one of the movies where it's actually set in Canada instead of fake America. Which is fantastic. The accents are out in full force!
(Since this film was made in 2001, I can make fun of Katlin's wins and losses. I mean, it's only Canadian money. Practically worthless in 2001.)
Katlin's victory over the cheerleaders attracts the attention of some football players who are running a sports book out of their high school. Katlin bets $60 on two games and nails them both. The next week she goes to the sports book run by the black kids at the school. She wins money there too. The next week, she, with the help of Cheryl's capital, starts her own book. For two weeks, it's a success. They make $1,700 in loonies. Of course, the next week, she loses everything when all the bets go the other way.
Ok, so Katlin is an honor student who loves gambling, right? Then how can she lose that much money in one week running a sports book!? That's insane! Sports books only work if 50% of the bettors gamble on one team, and the other half gambles on the other. You take the money from the losers and pay out less than 100% to the winners. (The actual percentages vary on how many bets are being made. Vegas and online gambling gets a ton of bets, so they have better payouts since the volume of betting means they'll still make coin. A school pool like this should probably pay out 90%). This is, over time, guaranteed to make money! So why monkey with the lines and risk everything!
And, yeah, I know she's supposed to be an impulsive addict, always looking for an edge. But, Christ, GAMBLING ADDICTS SHOULD HAVE AN IDEA OF HOW GAMBLING WORKS.
Katlin doesn't have enough cash to pay the football players, so she makes a double-or-nothing bet on a basketball game. She takes the underdog straight up. The boys eagerly accept the bet. What they don't know, is that, duh duh duhhhhh, Katlin uses the Internet for sports research! The favorite's star player is injured! Well, clearly Katlin hadn't heard of something called the Ewing Theory. She loses the bet.
(When they show the basketball game, the score is tied 93-93. Then the favorite makes a last-second miracle heave from half court to win the game 95-93. But, wait. The shot was from half court. The score should have been 96-93. Jesus, Lifetime. Even the WNBA has a three point line.)
Now Katlin is in way over her head. She tries to make her money back via Internet roulette. This turns out just as badly as expected. She's $2,000 in the hole to the football players and $2,600 in the hole on her credit card.
For some reason or another, the Queen Bee of the popular girls asks Katlin to cut class with her and hang out with her older brother to do ecstasy. The older brother, Ron, and Katlin pass on the E but decide to have a high stakes poker game. Because, why not?
Katlin's little girl lost routine nets her two grand. She celebrates by making out with Ron. Ron, by the way, is supposed to be 22. 22? Bullshit.
The next day, the football players demand their money. She says she doesn't have it. They drag her into the men's room, punch her, and take the $1,000 in her wallet. Katlin is still over her head in debts so she starts stealing from her Mom.
*UPDATE*
I just realized that Katlin's high school had at least three different sports books with the transfer of thousands of dollars as well and girls getting beaten up in men's rooms. And that's nothing compared to the high school in the Degrassi series.
So, my question is, what the Hell is wrong with Canadian schools?
*END UPDATE*
Ron takes Katlin to a creepy loan shark who lends Katlin three grand. He wants the money back in a week. The interest and the punishment for not paying the money back on time are not specified.
So Katlin has enough to pay everyone back. So Ron takes her to an underground casino. Of course! Katlin gets hooked on blackjack. Her first hand she splits on aces and hits two blackjacks! That's a huge win! Congrats, Katlin!
Things go down hill from there.
Now, follow me through this. This may be one of my favorite Lifetime montages ever. Ron is beating up some guy outside who owes him money. Katlin is losing a ton of money because she is betting on instinct instead of on the cards (stop hitting on 16!). And, the proprietor of this illegal establishment, obviously an Asian man, is singing Asia's hit single "Heat of the Moment" on karaoke. In full blown Engrish. Holy smokes.
Katlin lost all of her money. So, she does what any smart addict would do. She and Ron burgle her parents' mansion.
The plan was for her and Ron to split the profits. But Ron is a smart man, and he has his own debts to the creepy loan shark. So he rips Katlin off. And the loan shark still wants his money tomorrow.
Katlin goes back to the casino with only $100, a lot of it coming from her younger brother's piggy bank (he lets her borrow it). After some initial bad luck, she starts winning. When she comes home, her mom is awake and waiting. She knows Katlin has been stealing from her. Katlin is forced to take her substantial winnings and give them to her mom. The creepy loan shark awaits.
What will the loan shark do to repay the loan? Why, film a porno with him and his creepy wife of course. "Let's start with kissing." Yuck. Katlin says she can't go through with it. The loan shark says she has to.
At the last second, Ron shows up at Katlin's house and tells Mom what's up. Mom barges into the loan shark's house, but it's too late. The porno is good and filmed.
The loan shark tries to intimidate Mom by saying that if she goes to the police, he will tear her family apart. Kaitlin then lets slip that she orchestrated the break-in.
"Tell me something I don't know!" Ha!
Mom and Katlin storm off to the car. Mom takes her Club, goes back to the house, and beats the shit out of the loan shark with it. Wow. Did not see that coming.
The family goes to the police and the loan shark, the wife, and Ron are all sent to jail. How does Katlin not get arrested? Oh well, she gets sent to rehab instead. Since she's not allowed to hold money, Cheryl, who is Europe bound, buys Katlin a scooter to give to her brother for his birthday. Awww.
Katlin promptly returns the scooter for cash and heads straight to a bar with one of those coin-op games.
But...YOU CAN'T EVEN GAMBLE ON THOSE!!! PLAYING PHOTO HUNT IS NOT GAMBLING!!!
It figures Lifetime would botch a twist ending.
AWESOMENESS: 20.
That's right. The first full 20. Nothing in the film, other than maybe the sports scenes, was so bad as to distract from the viewing experience. Everything was done relatively competently.
And that montage. Oh my God, that montage.
I never meant to be so bad to you
One thing I said that I would never do
One rook from you and I would farr from glace
And that would wipe this smire light from my face
It was the heat of the moment
Terring me what your heart meant
Heat of the moment shone in your eyes
HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 4
I refuse to get that jazzed up about Elisha Cuthbert. Her career is dead. But, oh, we'll all remember the range she showed when she got chased by that mountain lion on 24. That was some quality acting.
Other people? No.
LIFETIMENESS: 7
Let me be clear about one thing. The mother figuring everything out is not a case of women's intuition. It was remarkably clear that Katlin had a problem and she ignored it until the signs were glaringly clear.
This film earned its points because it maintained an atmosphere of ridiculous melodrama for the entire two hours. That can't be easy.
GRAND TOTAL: 31
One of the highest rated films in the history of this blog. I hope my write-up makes it clear why My Daughter's Secret Life has earned such distinction.
The movie was so good that I immediately went out and bought two scratch tickets (seriously).
I didn't win.
Monday, September 22, 2008
When Friendship Kills
When Friendship Kills was presented as A Secret Between Friends on my DVR. Apparently this movie is so legendary that no one title can contain it.
And make no mistake, this movie is indeed legendary. It was the first Lifetime movie I ever saw. Everyone in junior year health class had to watch it. And I wasn't alone. When people find out that I author a blog about Lifetime movies, this is the movie people are most likely to ask about.
I hadn't seen this since high school. That was long before I became obsessed with these films. I was excited to revisit this movie and find out that it was everything I could have hoped for.
The film opens at a sweet beach party in Seattle. There's drinking and dancing. And fighting. A spat between two former best friends gets heated and when one of them runs away, she is promptly hit by a car.
We flash back to one year earlier. Newly divorced single mom, Kathyrn, has just moved from Chicago to Seattle with her two daughters, Lexi and Jill. Lexi, the older daughter, is nervous about starting anew in high school. She hopes her volleyball experience will make her some new friends. She also wants to reinvent herself, and what better way to do that than to lose a few pounds?
Lexi quickly befriends the alpha female at the school. Jennifer is from a rich family. She is gorgeous. She is a straight-A student, the star of all of the school's theater productions, and is the star of the varsity volleyball team to boot. When Jennifer and Lexi meet at tryouts, the sparks start to fly.
"I like the way you spike," says Lexi.
"I like the way you set," says Jennifer.
Oh, Jesus Christ, just make out already and be done with it.
In all seriousness, and I don't know if this is intentional or not, there really is a weird sexual tension that is present whenever these two are together. Why are Jen and Lexi always giving each other the eyes?
The two bee-effs-effs have their first slumber party and totally gorge out on all sorts of food. Jen decides to purge those Calories out.
Now, these two have known each other for what, a week? Bulimia is often very secretive. But Jen almost falls over herself to let Lexi in on her dietary habits. The vomiting scene is punctuated by Jen making deep eye contact with Lexi and cooing, "I've been waiting for a friend like you."
Lexi makes the executive decision that being thin and popular is more important than avoiding crazies. And when the volleyball coach tells her that she would be a better athlete if she lost a few pounds, well, then that seals it. Let the crash dieting begin!
Lexi's diet consists of fruit in the morning, a single cracker and some carrots for lunch, and white rice for dinner. Her snacks? Gum. And she is topping this off by running 10 miles a day. If she's been bad and digs into those cookies stashed under her bed, she throws them up.
The moral of the story? A little bit of anorexia goes a long way! Lexi loses some weight and the boys are falling over themselves for her. She serves a perfect game in volleyball. (I am pretty sure that is close to impossible?) She looks glowing and everyone tells her how much better she looks without the extra weight.
Oh my God do I wish that Lifetime had the balls to end the movie right here.
But, no, of course not, Lexi has to take it too far. She starves and starves and starves. And when she meets her father's new girlfriend, then she really goes nuts. The film offers us extra-tight close-ups of her father and his new lady eating chicken wings and mozzarella sticks. I guess the point is, Lexi is truly disgusted by food.
Lexi's period stops and her concerned mother makes her see a OBGYN. Lexi hides weights under her clothes and scales in at a respectable 115 (she is really closer to 100). When Lexi's mom asks what's up, the gyno replies that her period stopped because of the trauma from the divorce. Gyno FTW!
Things go from bad to worse when a photographer invites Jen to model. Lexi thinks she is offered the same invitation and gets her hopes all up. She prepares for the modeling by putting on a ridiculous amount of lip-liner. Like, a finger snapping amount of lip liner.
When Jen and Lexi show up to the studio, the photographer makes it very clear that Lexi is too thin to model. Now that's saying something. This movie was made during the heroin-chic craze. To be too thin to model? Sheesh. Lexi storms off and Jen plays good friend and follows her.
The anorexia gets worse and worse and finally Lexi collapses during a volleyball game. Her heart couldn't handle pumping blood to her atrophied muscles. Lexi is diagnosed with the 'rexia and now it's time for recovery.
Except Lexi doesn't want to recover. The film goes as far as to show Lexi in front of a mirror wearing a fat suit. See!? That's what the 'rexia makes her see!
Finally, Lexi's father, a man of action so desirable that he can cheat on Wonder Woman and know that there'll be younger tail down the line, decides to show Mom and Lexi what's what. He signs an order permitting the hospital to get all Terri Schiavo on Lexi and install a feeding tube. The Mom is furious. Her parental authority just got shat on. Fuck that shit. Men of action don't wait for results. They create results. Am I right, fellas?
As Lexi is getting better, Jen pays a visit. Jen gives Lexi a bracelet that says "Soul Sister" in French. Awww. Lexi tells Jen that she can get better too. Jen wants no part of it. She doesn't want to get better. She is quite happy being thin and pretty, thank you very much.
Lexi is allowed to leave the hospital and start summer school. She is delighted to find out that her friends are glad to have her back and no one is getting too judgmental. Lexi also totally narcs out Jen. Lexi's mom confronts Jen's mom and the latter refuses to believe. She even throws in a zinger about knowing what her daughter is up to because she is a stay-at-home mom.
Jen is betrayed. She it makes clear that she and Lexi are no longer friends.
Which brings us to the party. Lexi shows up and she and Jen get into it. Jen runs away and is plowed over by a car. We then get to the hospital. Jen is dead. But not from being hit by a car. Oh no, Jen died from a broken heart. Whether the hear was broken by bulimia or by Lexi, well, that's for the doctors to determine.
Lexi, probably correctly, blames herself for Jen's passing. So the anorexia comes back. Don't you see!? Food is the only thing she can control!
Ugh, there's still half an hour left in this movie? Why?
Quick summation: Lexi is sick but refuses to go to the hospital. Her mom is fine with this. Her dad, a Man of Action, sees through this bullshit and gets a court order forcing Lexi to the hospital. Just before the police come to take her away, Lexi realizes her mother's love can make it all better. She agrees to go to the hospital without the police escort.
Lexi makes a full recovery and even gets to play volleyball again. Her entire family, father included, is in the stands to see her play. Also in the stands: Jen's ghost.
AWESOMENESS: 11
The movie is obviously melodramatic. But there are fewer joys than seeing a movie about eating disorders take that strange turn into teenage drinking and car accidents. It's a shame that the accident was shown in the first minute of the film. If that happened an hour in with no advance warning, oh man. As is, eh.
And there is no excuse for having a film paced that poorly. Audiences don't want to see long drawn out relapses. We know that anorexia is bad. We saw what Lexi went through. Why go through it again?
HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 9
Any film starring Wonder Woman is going to get a high score. But the real treats aren't cameos. The treats are seeing movies featuring people before they were famous. Stolen Miracle is probably the best example of this with its pre-pubescent Michael Cera. When Friendship Kills has Ryan Reynolds, the Former Mr. Alanis himself, as a friendly jock who takes Lexi to the winter formal and welcomes her back to summer school with open arms.
Question: How is Ryan Reynolds famous? Take a look at his resume. It is nothing but shit. He's like a rich man's Dane Cook.
LIFETIMENESS: 8
There is a slight penalty for only having one evil male character. And that character, the father, his evilness is kind of overshadowed by always being right. However, the message is clear. If you cheat on your spouse and there's a divorce, your children will probably feel unloved and die.
The rest is just about what you'd expect from a Lifetime movie from the mid-90s.
GRAND TOTAL: 28
Oh how I wish the film either ended after Lexi's 'rexia was successful or after Jen became roadkill. Of course, you the viewer can make that decision on your own. If you're going to DVR this, stop watching as soon as Jen dies. That way you have a classic.
And make no mistake, this movie is indeed legendary. It was the first Lifetime movie I ever saw. Everyone in junior year health class had to watch it. And I wasn't alone. When people find out that I author a blog about Lifetime movies, this is the movie people are most likely to ask about.
I hadn't seen this since high school. That was long before I became obsessed with these films. I was excited to revisit this movie and find out that it was everything I could have hoped for.
The film opens at a sweet beach party in Seattle. There's drinking and dancing. And fighting. A spat between two former best friends gets heated and when one of them runs away, she is promptly hit by a car.
We flash back to one year earlier. Newly divorced single mom, Kathyrn, has just moved from Chicago to Seattle with her two daughters, Lexi and Jill. Lexi, the older daughter, is nervous about starting anew in high school. She hopes her volleyball experience will make her some new friends. She also wants to reinvent herself, and what better way to do that than to lose a few pounds?
Lexi quickly befriends the alpha female at the school. Jennifer is from a rich family. She is gorgeous. She is a straight-A student, the star of all of the school's theater productions, and is the star of the varsity volleyball team to boot. When Jennifer and Lexi meet at tryouts, the sparks start to fly.
"I like the way you spike," says Lexi.
"I like the way you set," says Jennifer.
Oh, Jesus Christ, just make out already and be done with it.
In all seriousness, and I don't know if this is intentional or not, there really is a weird sexual tension that is present whenever these two are together. Why are Jen and Lexi always giving each other the eyes?
The two bee-effs-effs have their first slumber party and totally gorge out on all sorts of food. Jen decides to purge those Calories out.
Now, these two have known each other for what, a week? Bulimia is often very secretive. But Jen almost falls over herself to let Lexi in on her dietary habits. The vomiting scene is punctuated by Jen making deep eye contact with Lexi and cooing, "I've been waiting for a friend like you."
Lexi makes the executive decision that being thin and popular is more important than avoiding crazies. And when the volleyball coach tells her that she would be a better athlete if she lost a few pounds, well, then that seals it. Let the crash dieting begin!
Lexi's diet consists of fruit in the morning, a single cracker and some carrots for lunch, and white rice for dinner. Her snacks? Gum. And she is topping this off by running 10 miles a day. If she's been bad and digs into those cookies stashed under her bed, she throws them up.
The moral of the story? A little bit of anorexia goes a long way! Lexi loses some weight and the boys are falling over themselves for her. She serves a perfect game in volleyball. (I am pretty sure that is close to impossible?) She looks glowing and everyone tells her how much better she looks without the extra weight.
Oh my God do I wish that Lifetime had the balls to end the movie right here.
But, no, of course not, Lexi has to take it too far. She starves and starves and starves. And when she meets her father's new girlfriend, then she really goes nuts. The film offers us extra-tight close-ups of her father and his new lady eating chicken wings and mozzarella sticks. I guess the point is, Lexi is truly disgusted by food.
Lexi's period stops and her concerned mother makes her see a OBGYN. Lexi hides weights under her clothes and scales in at a respectable 115 (she is really closer to 100). When Lexi's mom asks what's up, the gyno replies that her period stopped because of the trauma from the divorce. Gyno FTW!
Things go from bad to worse when a photographer invites Jen to model. Lexi thinks she is offered the same invitation and gets her hopes all up. She prepares for the modeling by putting on a ridiculous amount of lip-liner. Like, a finger snapping amount of lip liner.
When Jen and Lexi show up to the studio, the photographer makes it very clear that Lexi is too thin to model. Now that's saying something. This movie was made during the heroin-chic craze. To be too thin to model? Sheesh. Lexi storms off and Jen plays good friend and follows her.
The anorexia gets worse and worse and finally Lexi collapses during a volleyball game. Her heart couldn't handle pumping blood to her atrophied muscles. Lexi is diagnosed with the 'rexia and now it's time for recovery.
Except Lexi doesn't want to recover. The film goes as far as to show Lexi in front of a mirror wearing a fat suit. See!? That's what the 'rexia makes her see!
Finally, Lexi's father, a man of action so desirable that he can cheat on Wonder Woman and know that there'll be younger tail down the line, decides to show Mom and Lexi what's what. He signs an order permitting the hospital to get all Terri Schiavo on Lexi and install a feeding tube. The Mom is furious. Her parental authority just got shat on. Fuck that shit. Men of action don't wait for results. They create results. Am I right, fellas?
As Lexi is getting better, Jen pays a visit. Jen gives Lexi a bracelet that says "Soul Sister" in French. Awww. Lexi tells Jen that she can get better too. Jen wants no part of it. She doesn't want to get better. She is quite happy being thin and pretty, thank you very much.
Lexi is allowed to leave the hospital and start summer school. She is delighted to find out that her friends are glad to have her back and no one is getting too judgmental. Lexi also totally narcs out Jen. Lexi's mom confronts Jen's mom and the latter refuses to believe. She even throws in a zinger about knowing what her daughter is up to because she is a stay-at-home mom.
Jen is betrayed. She it makes clear that she and Lexi are no longer friends.
Which brings us to the party. Lexi shows up and she and Jen get into it. Jen runs away and is plowed over by a car. We then get to the hospital. Jen is dead. But not from being hit by a car. Oh no, Jen died from a broken heart. Whether the hear was broken by bulimia or by Lexi, well, that's for the doctors to determine.
Lexi, probably correctly, blames herself for Jen's passing. So the anorexia comes back. Don't you see!? Food is the only thing she can control!
Ugh, there's still half an hour left in this movie? Why?
Quick summation: Lexi is sick but refuses to go to the hospital. Her mom is fine with this. Her dad, a Man of Action, sees through this bullshit and gets a court order forcing Lexi to the hospital. Just before the police come to take her away, Lexi realizes her mother's love can make it all better. She agrees to go to the hospital without the police escort.
Lexi makes a full recovery and even gets to play volleyball again. Her entire family, father included, is in the stands to see her play. Also in the stands: Jen's ghost.
AWESOMENESS: 11
The movie is obviously melodramatic. But there are fewer joys than seeing a movie about eating disorders take that strange turn into teenage drinking and car accidents. It's a shame that the accident was shown in the first minute of the film. If that happened an hour in with no advance warning, oh man. As is, eh.
And there is no excuse for having a film paced that poorly. Audiences don't want to see long drawn out relapses. We know that anorexia is bad. We saw what Lexi went through. Why go through it again?
HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 9
Any film starring Wonder Woman is going to get a high score. But the real treats aren't cameos. The treats are seeing movies featuring people before they were famous. Stolen Miracle is probably the best example of this with its pre-pubescent Michael Cera. When Friendship Kills has Ryan Reynolds, the Former Mr. Alanis himself, as a friendly jock who takes Lexi to the winter formal and welcomes her back to summer school with open arms.
Question: How is Ryan Reynolds famous? Take a look at his resume. It is nothing but shit. He's like a rich man's Dane Cook.
LIFETIMENESS: 8
There is a slight penalty for only having one evil male character. And that character, the father, his evilness is kind of overshadowed by always being right. However, the message is clear. If you cheat on your spouse and there's a divorce, your children will probably feel unloved and die.
The rest is just about what you'd expect from a Lifetime movie from the mid-90s.
GRAND TOTAL: 28
Oh how I wish the film either ended after Lexi's 'rexia was successful or after Jen became roadkill. Of course, you the viewer can make that decision on your own. If you're going to DVR this, stop watching as soon as Jen dies. That way you have a classic.
Friday, September 19, 2008
I am Alive!
I haven't watched any Lifetime this week since I lost power in a so-called "windstorm." Wind gusts of 50mph are apparently enough to knock out power in half of Columbus. There are 96,000 still without power.
What a joke.
But! But I have a Lifetime movie in the DVR and it's an all-time classic. Expect a post soon.
What a joke.
But! But I have a Lifetime movie in the DVR and it's an all-time classic. Expect a post soon.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Someone is Watching
Boy oh boy! A Lifetime horror movie! This is promising.
Someone is Watching opens with a costume party. The hosts announce that they're engaged. As the scene is inter cut with the opening credits, we see someone (presumably the male fiancee, but that would be too easy) attack the lady fiancee, throw her down some stairs, and then murder her with a fire poker. We flash forward to the kindly old landlord washing the blood out and repainting the walls. A year later, DNA scientist (yes, really) and single mom Michelle moves into the home with her six-year-old son.
For what it's worth, Michelle looks eerily like the murder victim.
Michelle has a controlling and angry ex-boyfriend named Charles who still hangs out around the family. When someone starts stalking Michelle and calling her and hanging up, we're supposed to think it's Chuck. Again, that's just too easy.
There's another creepy dude in the mix. The landlord's handyman son is a total creep who may or may not be 'tarded. He's clever enough to strike up a conversation with Michelle at a playground and pretend that one of her son's playmates is his daughter. But he's not clever enough to not get caught snooping in Michelle's kitchen window.
The landlord reads his son a mean-spirited riot act and the son pulls a Lenny routine. "I just wanted to touch the pretty girl, Pa." The son goes downstairs and hangs himself. Fun!
Michelle starts up a relationship with the detective assigned to her case where it's revealed that Michelle was a home invasion victim years ago and she didn't have the guts to shoot the intruder. This is portrayed as some kind of weakness, but, really? She scared the robber away with a gun. How does that leave her any worse off than if she shot the poor bastard?
Michelle's son, meanwhile, strikes up a relationship with an imaginary friend in his closet. How imaginary? Well, if you throw a ball into the closet, the imaginary friend, BJ, will throw it back out. So it's either a psycho or a ghost.
Michelle's nosy next door neighbor (Margot Kidder!), thinks ghost so she hires a psychic. The psychic is deaf because, well, deaf people are creepy. The best part of this whole exchange is the psychic's translator awesome line readings. Anyways, the psychic frantically waves her hands around and informs Michelle that someone fell down those stairs, that a man with the letter "J" in his name is evil, and that there's a diary hidden in an old bookcase.
The "J" red herring is especially galling when considering "J" is, like, the most common letter in dude names. Hell, they make Charles' last name begin with "J" just for good measure.
Anyways, the diary. The diary is all sorts of happy and there's no evidence of acrimony between the betrothed couple. There is a picture where the murder victim is wearing a broach....a broach that someone gave to Michelle a few days ago. She assumed it was an unsolicited gift from Charles, but now she can't be so sure.
Charles and Michelle get into an argument about it at her place. When he leaves in a huff, he notices someone painted the word "loser" on his Mercedes. He goes to the landlord, who I should have mentioned lives next door, (hint), and asks if he saw the vandal. The landlord...who remains unseen, (hint), says he saw the perp and invites Charles in.
Oh, somewhere in there, while reading the diary in the bath, Michelle has some kind of hallucinatory fever dream. Why not?
Michelle goes to prison to visit the male fiancee who has been convicted of killing his lady. He proclaims his innocence. Michelle calls her boyfriend detective and asks about the landlord's son's suicide. It turns out the son didn't die at all! It was the landlord who has been dead this entire time!
Meanwhile, the babysitter/nosy neighbor investigates the son's closet to show him there is no imaginary friend. Instead she finds a secret passage to next door. She follows the passage and is murdered by the land lord's son with a hammer. The son sees this and freaks out so the murderer, BJ, locks him in a basement room.
Michelle gets home and magically figures out what's going on. She discovers Charles's body and confronts BJ with her gun. He disarms her by, no joke, pointing the other way and distracting her.
BJ's deal is that he is obsessed with the pretty ladies and wants to start a family with them. When the last renter got engaged, he got enraged. So Michelle is careful not to upset the murderous BJ. Her son throws a baseball at him and BJ falls down those same stairs. Then Michelle shoots him.
The film ends with Michelle honoring her neighbor's memory by having a showing of her watercolor paintings of angels. Again, not a joke.
ACTUAL AWESOMENESS: 4
I admit it took me longer than it should have to figure out what going on. So, kudos for that, Lifetime. But...this film didn't make a lot of sense.
I still don't know if BJ was supposed to be disabled or not.
IRONIC AWESOMENESS: 9
Here's an example of how great this movie could be. When Michelle was at a shooting range, she still couldn't get over her fear of killing that home intruder. So the screen starts vibrating, and then shaking, and the camera spins around Michelle's head while she freaks out. This happens in the movie three different times. And it does not get old.
HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 3
Say you're Margot Kidder, Lois Lane herself, and a few years ago you had an, uh, an incident where you were hiding in some shrubbery and had shaved your head because you were convinced computer viruses were trying to kill you. You get therapy, medications, and make the long road back to being a working actress. Wouldn't you go out of your way to not play a character like a raving loon?
LIFETIMENESS: 10
Female intuition, pushy ex-boyfriends, a child in danger, a police officer love interest. Just because it's a horror movie doesn't mean that it can't paint by the numbers.
GRAND TOTAL: 26
This is one of the weirdest movies I've seen on the network, so it deserves the high score. Recommended.
Someone is Watching opens with a costume party. The hosts announce that they're engaged. As the scene is inter cut with the opening credits, we see someone (presumably the male fiancee, but that would be too easy) attack the lady fiancee, throw her down some stairs, and then murder her with a fire poker. We flash forward to the kindly old landlord washing the blood out and repainting the walls. A year later, DNA scientist (yes, really) and single mom Michelle moves into the home with her six-year-old son.
For what it's worth, Michelle looks eerily like the murder victim.
Michelle has a controlling and angry ex-boyfriend named Charles who still hangs out around the family. When someone starts stalking Michelle and calling her and hanging up, we're supposed to think it's Chuck. Again, that's just too easy.
There's another creepy dude in the mix. The landlord's handyman son is a total creep who may or may not be 'tarded. He's clever enough to strike up a conversation with Michelle at a playground and pretend that one of her son's playmates is his daughter. But he's not clever enough to not get caught snooping in Michelle's kitchen window.
The landlord reads his son a mean-spirited riot act and the son pulls a Lenny routine. "I just wanted to touch the pretty girl, Pa." The son goes downstairs and hangs himself. Fun!
Michelle starts up a relationship with the detective assigned to her case where it's revealed that Michelle was a home invasion victim years ago and she didn't have the guts to shoot the intruder. This is portrayed as some kind of weakness, but, really? She scared the robber away with a gun. How does that leave her any worse off than if she shot the poor bastard?
Michelle's son, meanwhile, strikes up a relationship with an imaginary friend in his closet. How imaginary? Well, if you throw a ball into the closet, the imaginary friend, BJ, will throw it back out. So it's either a psycho or a ghost.
Michelle's nosy next door neighbor (Margot Kidder!), thinks ghost so she hires a psychic. The psychic is deaf because, well, deaf people are creepy. The best part of this whole exchange is the psychic's translator awesome line readings. Anyways, the psychic frantically waves her hands around and informs Michelle that someone fell down those stairs, that a man with the letter "J" in his name is evil, and that there's a diary hidden in an old bookcase.
The "J" red herring is especially galling when considering "J" is, like, the most common letter in dude names. Hell, they make Charles' last name begin with "J" just for good measure.
Anyways, the diary. The diary is all sorts of happy and there's no evidence of acrimony between the betrothed couple. There is a picture where the murder victim is wearing a broach....a broach that someone gave to Michelle a few days ago. She assumed it was an unsolicited gift from Charles, but now she can't be so sure.
Charles and Michelle get into an argument about it at her place. When he leaves in a huff, he notices someone painted the word "loser" on his Mercedes. He goes to the landlord, who I should have mentioned lives next door, (hint), and asks if he saw the vandal. The landlord...who remains unseen, (hint), says he saw the perp and invites Charles in.
Oh, somewhere in there, while reading the diary in the bath, Michelle has some kind of hallucinatory fever dream. Why not?
Michelle goes to prison to visit the male fiancee who has been convicted of killing his lady. He proclaims his innocence. Michelle calls her boyfriend detective and asks about the landlord's son's suicide. It turns out the son didn't die at all! It was the landlord who has been dead this entire time!
Meanwhile, the babysitter/nosy neighbor investigates the son's closet to show him there is no imaginary friend. Instead she finds a secret passage to next door. She follows the passage and is murdered by the land lord's son with a hammer. The son sees this and freaks out so the murderer, BJ, locks him in a basement room.
Michelle gets home and magically figures out what's going on. She discovers Charles's body and confronts BJ with her gun. He disarms her by, no joke, pointing the other way and distracting her.
BJ's deal is that he is obsessed with the pretty ladies and wants to start a family with them. When the last renter got engaged, he got enraged. So Michelle is careful not to upset the murderous BJ. Her son throws a baseball at him and BJ falls down those same stairs. Then Michelle shoots him.
The film ends with Michelle honoring her neighbor's memory by having a showing of her watercolor paintings of angels. Again, not a joke.
ACTUAL AWESOMENESS: 4
I admit it took me longer than it should have to figure out what going on. So, kudos for that, Lifetime. But...this film didn't make a lot of sense.
I still don't know if BJ was supposed to be disabled or not.
IRONIC AWESOMENESS: 9
Here's an example of how great this movie could be. When Michelle was at a shooting range, she still couldn't get over her fear of killing that home intruder. So the screen starts vibrating, and then shaking, and the camera spins around Michelle's head while she freaks out. This happens in the movie three different times. And it does not get old.
HEY! IT'S THAT GUY!: 3
Say you're Margot Kidder, Lois Lane herself, and a few years ago you had an, uh, an incident where you were hiding in some shrubbery and had shaved your head because you were convinced computer viruses were trying to kill you. You get therapy, medications, and make the long road back to being a working actress. Wouldn't you go out of your way to not play a character like a raving loon?
LIFETIMENESS: 10
Female intuition, pushy ex-boyfriends, a child in danger, a police officer love interest. Just because it's a horror movie doesn't mean that it can't paint by the numbers.
GRAND TOTAL: 26
This is one of the weirdest movies I've seen on the network, so it deserves the high score. Recommended.
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